Thanks!

I would like to thank everyone who has sent an e-mail or left a comment on my last entry. It really means a lot to me.

A very big thank you to Jim over at Outsports for linking to me. I started this as a way to vent and tell my story. It's turned into something I never thought possible.

To those who have sent e-mails please know that I will be getting back to you soon. I have had a crazy few weeks. I have a lot of time to think about where I want my career to go. My mind is all over the fucking place.

Watching the World Series has made me want to play so bad.

For now... enjoy some eye candy from pics sent in from guys.

Life change

I haven't signed into my e-mail much since my last post. Sorry to the guys that sent me e-mails. I have been trying to respond to you guys.

I have had a rough few weeks. Without saying too much I think my playing days are over. It's a lot to handle for someone who has played this game for such a long time.

While I was going through this Brett Favre was getting ready to come back for another season in the NFL.

While my situation is not on the level of being a hall of fame player I know what it's like to hear that it's past your time.

I have been a great ball player. Most guys would give their left nut to be able to say they played at the major league level. I have played in the bigs and spent plenty of time on farm teams. Looking back at what I have done, I can say that I achieved my goal of being a professional baseball player.

I am very proud.

For those who have been following the blog... in 2006 I was injured and nursed myself back into playing and have built up a great track record since then. Well, the last half of my season has been spent nursing pretty much the same injury and I have been told that it's pretty doubtful that I will be able to play on a high level and stay competitive.

It's heartbreaking. It really is.

My life is not over though. I have an opportunity to keep my life on track and still belong in the game. Nothing is set in stone yet. What I do know is that I have some time to think about it.

I can't go into a lot of specifics but right now I am taking everything as they come to me and have a big choice to make very soon.

Oh Summer

Summer time is amazing. What makes it so great for me is that I usually get a lot of pictures sent to me by you guys the readers.

You guys never let me down with the hottness you find.

I'm not fucking a porn star

Well that was fun. A quick post before I have to bounce outa here for a few days. I did not and did not plan to take this porn star up on his offer of sex in Southern California. It would be career suicide for me Who knows if he has a camera set up somewhere in that hotel room.

He could be a guy just looking to out a baseball player. Thank you all for the comments.

Fact of the matter is, when he asked me to meet up and fuck the idea was appealing. Here is a guy who was straight as could be... with a girlfriend... who got wrangled into doing porn for extra cash and found his bisexual side he wanted to explore.

As much fun as it would be to fuck a porn star I wouldn't risk what I have going on right now. Read into it any way you want. I have a lot going for me right now and I am loving it.

If this guy had come to me a few days after my heart was broken, you bet your ass I would have been stupid enough to fall for this guy and go spend a weekend fucking him. As TMZ waits for me at the hotel to try and catch me banging a gay porn star.

At the end of the day, I am happy that you guys (my readers) responded the way you did. I got a lot of e-mail from you guys asking me if I was crazy and actually thinking of going through with it.

Truth of the matter is; when I get an e-mail from someone who says something like; "Well if you are ever in the INSERT CITY HERE area let me know I'd love to buy you a beer." Just so you know; I won't be taking you up on the beer.

The Porn Star and All Star

Happy All Star Break! This is a great time of year. Not only do ball players get a few days off to relax, go see family and recharge... lucky few get to go play in All Star games.

Now, most of you know about the MLB All Star Game. There is also a Futures game that features some of the up-and-coming all stars in the minor leagues.

One of the perks of making an all star roster is that everything is paid for. You have obligations to go and do press and fan events but for the most part you get paid to hang out with family and friends.

I won't exactly tell you guys what I will be doing for my all star break but I thought I would tell a story that has been brewing the last few months.

A few months ago I was contacted by a porn star. He is a reader of this blog. He e-mailed me to tell me how much he loved the blog. It started off as just an e-mail. As we got to chatting I found out that he is an amateur porn star.

He started off with a few "solo" films and gradually moved into being a top on camera. The way he described it brought me back to my first time. How nervous you are but the rush and thrill of it.

At the time he had a girlfriend and was looking to make some extra cash on the side. The more he did videos and more he was with a guy the more he loved it.

This made him nervous that he was becoming gay and stopped doing porn for a while but found himself looking at gay porn when he wasn't with his girlfriend. That's when he found my blog. Looking for pics.

He dumped his girlfriend and decided to try and date a guy. He started dating another pornstar but found himself jealous when he was with other guys on and off screen.

He e-mailed me to tell me his story. We got to chatting and the guy is really cool. He was an athlete growing up all the way through college. Once he graduated he became a personal trainer and was "discovered" via his Myspace page.

As we kept chatting I found myself drawn to him. He would talk about college and all of that.

Then he offered me a trip to Southern California to "hang out with him" I politely said no. He said we could have some fun.

He is willing to pay for the trip and the thought of banging a porn star for 3 days is enticing. Thoughts?

Porn on the Road

One of the best things for me on the road is porn. It's pretty much fact that every guy jerks off. I know guys that have girlfriends and wives and they still jerk off. They are guaranteed a fuck or blow job everyday... yet still jerk off.

The guy I currently share a room with on the road and I talked about jerking off at the beginning of the season. At the time, I had a boyfriend... but told him it was a girlfriend back in New York. Just like my freshman year of college we set some ground rules.

No matter where we were, we would always order pizza to the room. If one of us were fucking we would leave the pizza box outside the door. We would try and give the guy a time frame but sometimes he would take longer than expected.

Most pizza deliveries come with menus. If one of us were gunna jerk off to porn we would leave the menu in front of the door.

Well, guys on the team caught on... that led to banging on doors and all of that.

Now, I am guessing that you guys want to hear that this led to he and I jerking off in our jock straps every night on the road.... well... it doesn't happen that way with he and I.

I have woken up at night and saw the bathroom light on and just assumed he was either taking a dump or jerkin it.

The next morning I asked him point blank. He fessed up to jerkin off. When he would disappear with his laptop, I knew he was going to bust a load. He has a pretty amazing body but I really don't think of him like that.

There is one guy that i wanna talk about that is my crush of the season who is NOT on my team.

I would also like to thank the site guys with IPhones for helping me jerk off at night.

If any of these guys are you... I want to bust my load all over you.

Why it's not me

The last post about my slump buster, I had someone leave an article from a sports writer who is trying to get a MLB player to come out of the closet and become a spokesman for gay athletes. Here are my thoughts.

I did read it.
I am not a potential trailblazer
I am not the gay Jackie Robinson.

This dilemma has plagued my soul: Do I come out? Do I continue to hide?

This blog has been my release so to speak. When I first entered the minor league system I had endured 4 years of high school and 4 years of college where almost everyday I heard the word faggot being thrown around like the word "the"

It comes so freely and it scares the shit out of me.

I don't know who you are Jeff Pearlman. I don't even want to try and google you. Right now, as a gay-closeted MiLB player I do not want to come out. There are so many reasons why I won't come out and say who I am.

First, I have a feeling that my team would void my contract and then it's pretty much over for my career in baseball. I dream of being an everyday player at a Major league club. The fact that I sleep with men instead of women would end my career. In today's environment I want to make sure I can make the most money for my talent.

If I were an ARod and I were to come out that would be big news. SportsCenter wall-to-wall. If a utility player on the Royals were to come out I think it would be big news for a few days and then the player would quietly be sent down to the minors. The club would also try and let him out of his contract.

Those are the thoughts that go through my head when I think about coming out.

Stepping up to the plate and hearing "You're - a - faggot. clap clap clap clap clap" echo throughout every stadium I show up to. Its really tough to try and think of enduring that.

Do I think that one day it will happen? Yes. Am I going to be the one who comes out. Right now the answer is no.

You can read entries on this blog where I have hidden who I am from my teammates because I fear this.

It would start with talking to my agent about if this is the right move for me to take. I don't think any player out there would have their agent tell him "Yeah. Go For it!"

I respect what you want but I don't think that there is an easy way of doing this.

There have been plenty of gay players playing ball who have come out after the fact. A few years ago hen I got hurt I decided to get an MBA so once my time playing ball was over I had some kind of advanced degree to fall back on.

Right now. Where I am with myself and where I see the business of baseball, you will not see a gay player come out publicly.

The Slump Buster

I have been trying to get over the ex for a few weeks. It's hilarious that a commenter said that I needed a Slump Buster fuck.

When a guy posted that in the comments I laughed my ass off and then jumped into protective mode. Did he know who I am?

The obvious answer is no. But whoever you are Randy, you are obviously a baller.

In college, as I had said in an earlier post, a slump buster was brought into effect when a guy on the team was just playing like garbage. There were a number of girls who would hang at the "baseball house" that just wanted to fuck.

This story is not about that bitch but about my slump buster fuck that happened in the not so distant past.

I was sitting at my apartment. Distraught, sipping on a Miller Light just thinking of the ex and how he could go out a fuck another dude. Many guys here have said to put myself in his shoes and look at myself. With that I knew I needed to get out of this funk.

I decided to log into AIM and see what if anyone was online that I knew in the area. No one. I decided to check out Adam 4 Adam and Craigslist. I have always felt so dirty posting an ad on Criagslist back before I was a taken man.

The site is easy enough to find a guy to just fuck, no strings attached.

I wrote the text to my ad to make sure I had all the right keywords that guys look for. "Masc Straight Bi Top" Preppy Frat Boy. Ect...

I posted my ad and waited nervously. I got some great responses back from people but one caught my eye. He wasn't waht I would normally look for in a guy.

He was skinny but toned. Blonde hair and blue eyes and about 5'10" according to his email.

We chatted on AIM for a half hour talking about what we were looking to get into and he told me that he was new to the city and looking for guys to get to know. To me it sounded like he was looking for friends and a boyfriend. I made it clear that I was looking for a one time thing.

We agreed to meet up for a beer and take it from there.

When he walked in he was better than I expected. He had filled out from his pics he had sent me. We talked about life. I avoided talking about my "job" in finance. Luckily he had just graduated law school and was looking for work in the city closest to me. He is smart and a pretty cool guy. He then bluntly asked when we were going back to his place.

I drove back to his place. A 1 bedroom apartment that was very nicely decorated. He had pictures of him and his friends from college and law school partying on the walls. I really didn't get to look around much because he made the move first. He kissed me.

That led to an intense 20 minute make out session where our clothes kept getting thrown off followed by intense kissing.

I got him down to his boxers and he was hard as a rock and already leaking precum.

From there I pretty much got caught up in the moment. There was foreplay but then he wanted me to just fuck him.

For a cool guy that I would never pick out as gay in a straight bar, he took my cock like a champ.

This went on for about 2 hours or so. Off and on. Stopping to get some water make out and just relax before going for round 2. After round 2 he asked me to stay the night.

I told him that I did not want to stay the night. I hope he didn't take offense to that. It's hard looking for a one night thing with a guy. It's easy for me to pick and choose what kind of guy I want to bang. It's another trying not to be emotional about it and wanting more.

He has text me a few times in the last few days looking to fool around. I may do it again. I know what I am getting myself into and am setting myself up for something that I don't know I want to deal with.

I don't want a boyfriend. I just wanna have a good time.

As far as him being a slump buster, after we fucked I had one of the best games this year. The slump buster works. Especially when he is a hot blonde looking to fuck.

Double treat for you guys who scrolled all the way down. Some hot pix sent in from my readers just like you. Feel free to send some to me.

Thank You

Wow. I never thought I could have this much support from guys here. 22 comments and thank you to each of you who left one.

I also got some e-mails from you guys. I really like that you guys left a note wishing me all the best.

I think Randy had the best comment.

Sorry it didnt work out. Sounded like you had best of both worlds for awhile. Take care. You need a slump buster fuck alright.

-Randy

Haha... a slump buster. I really do need a slump buster fuck.

In college I had a few of those. Mostly with over weight girls just looking to fuck. Those can be pretty funny when you recount the story the next morning in the locker room.

For the most part I have been playing, working out and using my frustration and anger in the weight room and working on my game. It's paying off and I am playing a lot better. Guys are asking me why I am so angry. Tell them that some dumb cunt from home fucked me over. Doesn't know what she is missing.

Randy- shoot me an email. Clubhousecloset at g mail

(I don't want spam)

Here is a link: very not safe for work of a hot guys dressing in a locker room. Should help get your day started. I haven't been sleeping much so I'm up and awake.

Break Up

It's been a long time but I wanted to let you guys know that Ryan and I broke up a few weeks ago. 

We have been living a part from each other for the last few months and it's been tough. There are two sides to every story and this is mine. 

As I said, Ryan (not Joe... fuckers... sorry for the mental slip) and I have been living a part for the last few months. It was rough for both of us. More on me mentally because I realized that I really couldn't always be me. There was me when I was with Ryan and 'baseball me'. That really started to get to him. 

In March I hadn't seen him in a while and I went to see him. When I got to his place he was acting really weird. That was the first sign that I knew something was wrong. His phone calls had been brief and he just wasn't the same. 

Later on that night I asked him if he had been messing around with someone else. He said no and immediately got up to go to the bathroom. When he came back he told me that he hated not seeing me. He had been out one night and met a guy. They hit it off and ended up sleeping with each other. 

I'm furious at this point because I have been faithful to him. I really wanted the night to just end. I know couples go through this every day but I never thought it would be me. 

That night turned into another and into another. He didn't know how to tell me because he liked me as well but "needed the physical attention"

I tried to take the pain and frustration and anger out on the field but that failed miserably. I went into one of the worst slumps I have ever had. 

I'm not exactly over it. It has taken me a while to post this blog post because of how crazy, bat shit in love I was with this guy. I'm single and for now I am keeping it that way.

Who knows what is next down the road... I am looking forward to a rebound fuck in the next week or so. I am on the road so I am sure it will be a good one. 

Wow

I get a lot of shit for a mental slip.

I'm pretty tired right now and people are really fast to jump on me because I made a mistake with the pseudonym I gave my boyfriend.

I did mean Ryan and not Joe. You guys really pay attention to detail here.

Gabrielle Angel I really want to know how you KNOW who I am... or so you say.

Steevo - I am not 45. I am in the closet and I am a baseball player.

Anonymous' - Thanks for catching the mistake.

Yah know... I haven't posted on here regularly because with everything I was going through and wanted to say... I posted on here. I now have a boyfriend that I bitch a lot too.

It's strange that something I never thought I would have has come out of nowhere and become something so awesome and intricate to my life.

To all the haters out there: Go Fuck yourself :-)

To my supporters: Thanks!

Back to Spring

Welcome to Spring Training. Last Spring Training was a whirlwind for me. I was around a whole new bunch of guys. I had just fell hard for Joe and my game picked up and I got noticed by a lot of clubs.

That last part is important for me. Other clubs had noticed how well I had been playing and inquired about me. This caused my current club to freak out a little bit and lock me up into a deal that I liked. I'm developing and I like that.

Baseball is still a passion of mine. Joe is also still a passion of mine.

Yes... I am still dating Joe. It's crazy to me that we can still be so in tune with each other.

I am a pretty lucky guy. I was talking with a guy who has been down in the dumps recently. He's a really good looking guy.

He was getting pissed off at guys he meets and how they don't seem to want to date him. Now, I am possibly the worst person to talk to about relationships. I am a baseball player who has a boyfriend in the closet. I feel bad for this guy because I am pretty lucky.

I have this boyfriend who is just an amazing guy. He supports and loves me.

Sorry I can't be much help with the dating world, what I can answer are a bunch of questions that you guys may have. ASK SLUGGER. Hit me up fellas.

Merry Holidays!

Merry Holidays to everyone! I have been blessed with so much to be grateful for this year. Ryan and I have been physically apart most of the holiday season but it's something we have got used to.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined having a boyfriend while playing ball. It's not all as happy as you may think it is. I still have to go through hoops to hide my true feelings for him while we are out with friends or he meets a guy on my team.

I have a feeling that this coming season will be a lot more trying for me. We won't be living close to each other, which will suck for any kind of physical contact. I want to make it work because I love the guy so much.

I hope all of you had an awesome holiday and the New Year is better than 2008!

Other Jocks

I have got some great e-mails over the last few weeks from other athletes at various levels thanking me for posting again.

It's no big deal. Thanks for reading and listening to me. What makes this whole thing pretty cool is that I have had some great conversations with guys over the years. I am talking, as I write this out, with a guy who is a knuckleballer shooting shit.

Anyway... thought I would post some of the hot pictures you guys have been sending me. Don't forget to keep them coming.

Boredom

Life without baseball is boring. Let's be serious folks. As you guys have seen, I was in a zone this past season and rarely came on here to vent or tell stories. I was incredibly focused. It was disgusting the routine I was in.

That is very important for an athlete. My routine was tight some days and light others. For the most part, I would work out in some form or another.

Ryan is also part of my routine and was there for me the entire season. We are definitely in a Bromance. Guys have asked me what our relationship is like and I really don't know how to describe it besides a Bromance with lots of sex.

I have had guys ask me if I was scared that a teammate would find porn or my blog on my computer... I am really not concerned with that because I am the only one who uses this laptop. I have a desktop out in my living room that I use to download music and do random shit on out there and only use my laptop for this kind of stuff.


With my free time I now have I have spent a lot more time with Ryan. We decided to have a "gay day"... his words, I swear. We decided to take an hour drive to a really nice mall and do some shopping and be ourselves where it was less likely we would run into someone we knew.


I was very relaxed with this and caught myself with my guard down. Nothing big, but had this over whelming "I don't give a fuck" moment where I wanted to go and make out with him in the middle of a Ruby Tuesdays or something... I also had this small fear that someone would see us trying on clothes and take my picture with a cell phone camera. You learn to live with it.


We did some clothes shopping and then headed to a movie. We had a bunch of stuff to choose from and he decided on High School Musical 3.

I was secretly happy that he decided on this movie because of my man crush on Zac Efron. If I were to ever meet him, I would want to bend him over and just fuck the shit outa him because of he's annoying. Muscular-twink annoying.

Anyway... we are watching the movie and there is a scene where Zac and the black dude head to the locker room for some reason and their replacements for the 4th installment are getting out of the shower.

There was a really built guy walking in the background and missed the premise of the scene but these two younger guys wanted to take over the lockers of Efron to show that they are the new leaders on the team. It's very high school. Zac says that they have to earn it, grab their clothes and run out of the locker room...

My heart started to pound because what happens for the next 2 minutes of the movie happened to me in real life, and it was in a Disney movie.

I have talked about what it was like back in high school and I remember telling a few guys, over e-mail, a story about hazing and what happened to me.

It was our first day in the locker room that we shared with the Varsity football team. As freshman, we had one small side of the locker room. From the start of our summer sessions we were told that we had to shower before we left the locker room to go home.

All of us were nervous 13, 14 year olds... we all started to shower and it got comfortable for everyone. One guy left the shower room and found that all of our towels had been taken. Turns our the seniors had decided to take them from us and we would have to run out to the middle of the gym to get them, during Vollyball practice. We grabbed our junk and made the run, like all the other freshman teams before us.

In the movie, these guys have towels on and Zac has their clothes. Still, it was weird watching it because I lived an entire scene years before it was filmed. I don't know if one of those guys I told the story to wrote it into the movie for me, but it was freaky.

I told Ryan the story at dinner that night and he was laughing. He has some fun hazing stories from being president of his fraternity and from high school too.

I am gearing up for a trip to NY in the next few weeks to see my family and hang out around Thanksgiving. I'll be away from Ryan for a while and it's making me sad thinking about it.

Fuck I am really into him.