Friday, December 02, 2011

Telling My Family

I remember watching the video above when it first hit YouTube.I cried my eyes out. I wanted to throw him in bed and cuddle with him. Here is this macho guy, a lot like myself, coming out to his dad on the phone and his dad loves him. I was incredibly happy for him.

My trip home to New York was hell. My flight was delayed getting into JFK and my cousin was stuck in traffic. I asked my cousin to pick me up for one reason... I wanted him to be the first family member I told. He's been like a brother to me all these years. Of course it did not go the way I planned. It never does. This entire weekend did not go as planned.

My cousin shows up late. I'm sweating. He asked me what I was up to on Wednesday night... the biggest night of the year to go out and get shitfaced. I had made plans to meet up with my buddies I saw at TJ's wedding.

(Awkward Silence)

Cousin: So are you fucking a lot of hot chicks in (city)?

I stared out the window at the passing cars on I-95.I thought I was going to puke.

I finally knew I needed to just rip the band-aid right off and I said this...

"No...not at all. I have a boyfriend..."

I fought back tears. I couldn't look at him in the face.

He started laughing like I was telling a joke and said something a long the lines of 'funny joke' or whatever... all I know is that I just let loose everything I have ever wanted to tell my cousin about being gay.

While I was talking a mile a minute my cousin pulled off of 95 and into a gas station. I really had not noticed because tears were coming out of me and my heart was racing a mile a minute. I honestly have no idea what I was saying to my cousin. Looking back I am trying to remember but all I can remember is me being a crying mess and my cousin looking at me.

He reached over and gave me a huge hug. Longer than a usual bro hug. This was a cry I had not had since I lost my Grandfather to cancer. For those of you out there who have gone through something similar I hope you know what I mean.

Again... the blur kicked in and my cousin and I talked about a lot of stuff. We stopped and grabbed a drink at a bar and just talked. Honestly.

He was shocked. At first he did not believe that I was being serious but when I started to cry my eyes out he was just in shock and didn't know how to react or what to do so he just listened to me.

While at the bar I showed him pictures of Reid. Talked about how we met. I didn't hold anything back and told him that we had started off as friends of friends, then fuck buddies and now a guy that I am absolutly in love with.

From there... the weekend went downhill... fast.

More on that later.


Not Alone said...

I'm glad you are writing these down. Thanks.

GDUSA (Originally BDNY) said...

That must have been so tough to tell your cousin but I'm happy he listened to you. I'm proud of you man for sharing. I look forward to part 2 of you visit home!


Anonymous said...

give people time slugger. people, especially family, may need time to adjust, particularly if it comes as a shock to them. in the meaantime, hold onto Reid and the love you are receiving from close friends and some family. eventually, come what may, you'll be glad you did this.

Bill Dameron said...

It's a journey. It takes a while to get there, but it's worth it. I wish you the best of luck

dan said...

hang in there slugger... must have been a major move forward. wow. keep posting man. later

SpiritMountainGuy said...

I'm glad you sharing all this with us. Keep up the strength and keep sharing. I would hug you if you were near but that isn't the case so just imagine that I am. We hope to hear more! Take care!

- Volker

Jerry said...

I don't see how this description is "going downhill" -- your cousin sounds supportive of you.

Don't be embarrassed that you lost it emotionally -- while it may not be your normal state, it was and is an emotional event. And more so people can relate to your struggle when you show some emotion.

It is difficult at first, but it will get easier. I hope most of the ill feelings are just over-imagined in your own mind and your family demonstrates their love for you.

Marcus Adams said...

hey. well i dont know what im telling you prob just to tell people? ive been out to my family for a little while now. just had brain surgery to try and stop my epilepsy, and dont know how many people i have left. lol so just saying hey to people while i recover?

WJ03 said...

It takes a lot of guts to not only come out to your family, but share it with the 'world' as it unfolds. You are an inspiration to many and you may feel let down or disappointed right now, but I hope it gets better. I'm a bi closeted guy and have been contemplating doing what you're doing right now; finally being honest and living your life.

dalemidex said...

Hang in there, buddy. Time is an amazing healer when it comes to emotional stuff, and if things were rough (as I fear you're alluding to) you might need some time. But...if you can...try and focus on how good it feels to unburden yourself. To have the web of deception and lies and hiding pulled off of your shoulders is sooo much better. This is going to sound trite, but indeed it does get better.

Tiger Blue said...

And this too will pass!
I faced the same situations a couple of years ago - with very conservative parents.
But do write your story.
You are touching a lot of people and your story will live on over and over again (you could be saving someone' life!)
Thank you!

Immanuel said...

You don't know how brave you are.

You don't know how much what our right is inspiring others and giving them courage.

Hang in there. And even though things went downhill from there things will get better. It is better to live in truth than a lie.

nickdag said...

I feel like anything I'd say would be embarrassingly trite. In general, I think being out is 100x better than the alternative, but I guess I'll have to wait to see Part 2.

But, once you make it over the "wall" of coming out, it seems that the other obstacles in life are much more manageable. Hopefully, you'll come out of this stronger and better.

I look forward to your future posts. All my best and take care.

ribald said...

Thanks for the new entry. I love your blog so much that every time you post it's a treat. This latest one is more dramatic than most O_O. Glad you were able to get the gay secret of your chest. Sounded freaking intense! I haven't come out yet (but I sort of plan on doing so maybe within the next year or so) so your blogs are inspiring and also kind of a model for me to follow.

This entry was exciting for me to read...but at the same time I worry because the end of your entry sounds awfully foreboding...Hopefully you're doing well and that was just for cliffhanger purposes...but unfortunately I have a feeling things didn't go so smoothly for you...

Take care bro and thanks for sharing with us all as always.

Ivan Boxjock said...

I love to read your blog. I know how you feel, coming out of the closet to the first person is so hard, I can remember those feelings 11 years go.

But trust me, everything will be fine now that you are going to be open to the most important people in your life: your family. Hugs from México.

John D said...

I appreciate your sharing. Emotions are amazing...glad you were able to let it out and hope you are AOK.

The whole thing is a process. I am still going through it also, so totally can understand and relate.

Best of luck, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward!

Incredible job!


Jason_M said...

Well done. I admire you.

kapitan said...

congratulations!! i wish i have the same guts like you to speak up to my fam but unfortunately i'm not coz i know they are not ready n never will

i keep it inside