Do you read Salon? I don't. Today, a friend of the blog sent along this article where Salon editor Steve Kornacki comes out of the closet. If you haven't read it yet take a read and come back when you're done.
Yes... I just gave you homework. I'll wait...
I can remember days like Steve had... scared. Wanting more but constantly in denial. There was a switch that went off in my head one day when I was with Reid where I knew I wanted to be more than just a fuck buddy with him... but was too scared to tell him that too his face... he was the one who told me he was in love with me and I was relieved.
Steve is not alone out there. I am one of millions of guys out there that has gone through something similar.
Since I told you guys about my new boyfriend things have been amazing. Reid and I took a gigantic step out amongst friends of mine currently not living in my city. I took him as my date to a wedding in Boston a few weeks ago.
I've almost known Reid for a full year and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could ever bring a guy around some of my best friends from growing up. My buddy - TJ - invited me to his wedding and I remember checking off yes for my +1 and I was nervous as fuck. I called him and the conversation was predictable but I had this long nightmare built up in my head.
(paraphrased)
Me: Hey Teeej can I talk to you about something?
TJ: What up? Who's your +1 for the wedding? Bet she's hot...
(pause)
Me: Well... it's my boyfriend Reid...
TJ: Are you fucking with me?
My heart sank when he said that. I went on to explain how we met and how long he had been together and what he meant to me. TJ is a guy that I have known since middle school. Calling each other gay, cock suckers and every other slur in the book has always been a part of who we are.
Paraphrased
TJ: Holy shit! I didn't know you were serious I shouldn't have said that... I love you bro.
Coming out to friends has been easier than with family. Coming out to my family is looming over my head. I have the same fears as every one else does. Friends it seems like something different. This heart to heart with TJ was an hour on the phone. That's an eternity when it comes to guys talking on the phone. I broke down and cried a little bit with him... which he told me to stop being a little bitch... jokingly. The real reason I wanted to ask him is because I did not want to create a scene... something bigger than the wedding. Sure it would be nice to ease into it by introducing Reid at a bar or social event.
TJ's parents picked up and left my home town for Arizona after high school. He currently lives in Boston with his now wife where she is from. I was worried about bringing a dude to his wedding before telling my parents... but this was something I wanted to do and think I needed to do before telling my parents. Every one is different.
The weekend was fantastic. I had some comp days that I had to use in 2011 so I decided to make a trip to NYC before heading to Boston. I was lucky enough to stay with friends and even met up with my friend JP. Reid met me in NYC for a night out. It was his first time in the city and wanted to have a huge night out.
The rest of the wedding was a blur. 3 of my buddies from high school reached out to me. TJ spilled the beans and they wrote me incredible e-mails to me as friends. My entire life I have been worried about what my friends would think. That they would be disgusted with me and never want to hang out with me ever again. Like I would have AIDS and cooties at the same time.
These guys were my high school jock buddies. Fucking the prom queen... extremely masculine. I wasn't too thrilled with TJ telling these guys and not letting me do it on my own terms. Regardless the wedding was amazing.
I decided that Thanksgiving is going to be my time to come out of the closet to my parents. Not at dinner but during the weekend. I fucking nervous as hell and let's hope that this goes well.
13 comments:
When you tell someone a dark secret that you don't want anyone to know, it's like releasing a titan of pure goodness free. If you're scared to tell your parents of who you are, then think of the positives of what will come of it.
It's difficult, like many things in life, but you'll feel something let off your shoulders once everything is said with honesty and love.
Remember that you're not alone and there are other people out there feeling the same way you are feeling too.
Best of luck to you this weekend. I know it is tough, but when it is done, you will be so much better... Happy Thanksgiving!
i was 35 when i fell in love for the very first time. i had lived with two women and liked them very much. but it wasn't until i met "doc" that i truly fell in love.
i've lived in the closet all my life mostly because that life "worked" for me. i needed a reason to tell my friends and family. "doc" was the reason i needed. a gay pal said to me, "get ready for a lot of love." he was right.
i finally told me rugby pals, friends and family just a few months ago. i finally had a reason. i was dumbfounded by the love and support i received from everyone. my parents are deceased. i never had the nerve to tell them. i regret that now. i think i undervalued their love for me.
good luck, god bless and you're making the right decision because you're doing it out of love for Reid.
pax tibi frater!
Wow. You are making great steps forward.
It's hard to know this now, but your parents will no doubt surprise you with their love and support. If not immediately, then no doubt soon.
I pray this is true, and if it be, your feelings will be like that first crack in your inner self that has been so carefully crafted and maintained. Think of a butterfly breaking free of the chysalis, kinda dramatic but you get my point.
Godspeed.
When you get a good reception, like from your high school buddies, of course it encourages you to be more open and not live the lie. Life in the closet can be very stifling. Once you shed those fears, you can be free and honest and most important, no longer ashamed.
For your parents, if you speak from your heart and if they are anyway decent people, which I'm guessing they are, they will find a way to love their son. If they are a little shocked, don't feel angry or disappointed but instead give them some time to absorb the news. After all you had your own struggle accepting yourself and it took time and the love of a guy to make to realize what you really want.
Good luck.
I'm still struggling to come out to high school mates, a post like this really helps, thanks :)
Happy Thanksgiving and all the best for this weekend.
Good luck. Three years ago I was exactly where you are (minus the athletic skill . . .). You've started to pull the band-aid off, and it hasn't hurt as much as you thought it would. Time to rip it the rest of the way off.
I bet it will go fine. And, even if it has rocky parts, you're so much better off going forward.
Good luck, and well done.
Having been married to a woman for 30 years, then realizing it wasn't working for a variety of reasons, I got a divorce and came out. With the exception of 1 snotty comment on Facebook, I have had nothing but support from family and friends. In the last 3 years, I found the man of my dreams who made me unspeakably happy...unfortunately he died suddenly in the last few months, but he showed me what real love can be. Don't wait to follow your heart... life is too short to waste it on fear. I wish my partner and I had found each other 30 years ago, but am so thankful that we had our 3 years together.
hey slugger, thinking of you at Thanksgiving. wishing the you the best with the weekend conversation. later.
Wow, this is great to read. I wish you the best of luck. I'm from a family where you're expected to conquer the best girls around. I spent four years doing this and a few years with guys as a side dish that I thought I could keep hidden from everyone except my self.
I was feeling a mental black out when I was thinking of telling my family. But I started telling some of my friends and they were the ones, together with one of my ex girlfriends, who convinced me that I had to tell my family so that I could start living a life as myself. So I did when I was around twenty and they were surprised as fuck but as my dad said, 'You must have balls telling me this. I love you no matter what'. And that was that. The men in my family are like that, we are very macho and full of bullshit. Before coming out I thought I was gonna hate it but now I love as I did when I was a kid. I'm so grateful for the five years I have had since coming out to them, full of much more fun experiences than those I had from 15 to 20. Now I'm happilly in love and couldn't dream of being together with someone else. All I can say, Slugger, is go
for it. You will never regret it.
Have you seen Advocate's list of 21 Notable Comings Out? There you find Rick Welts, NBA executive, and a very hot quartet of soccer player Anton Hysen, US airman Randy Phillips, actor Zachary Quinto and former soccer player David Testo. How about posting pics of them in your blog? It's hard to keep up the bad mood looking at those guys :]
http://www.advocate.com/Print_Issue/Features/21_Notable_Comings_Out/
Your story about your friend TJ had me laughing big-time (and tearing a bit at the same time)...I totally understand the fear, anxiety, and ultimately, the relief!! THANKS for sharing that.
Can't wait to hear how the family thing turns out.
Hope all goes well. Happy Thxgiving.
Your blog is new to me. I like it very much & will be looking forward to following it.
Re Salon's Steven Karnacki being out, Yes, I read thingumabob's interview of him in which he said that he's gay. I googled him & was disappointed to find him only on Twitter & Facebook (not even a whisper on either of his sexuality!). No trace of a blog. No hint of an e-mail address * or of any means to contact him as a gay & proud public persona. I'm saying that it's not enough to be out. In practical terms, Karnacki is mute & invisible in cyberspace. Things would be way better were he not only out but also
...proud of it
,,,activist
...visible
...vocal
...actively championing GLBT
...vigorously antihomophobic
jst sAyn
Thanks for listening!
*Have you considered disclosing one?
Hey just wanted to say I've been reading your blog since like 1-2 years ago and it's great. I've been too lazy to create a google account to comment on blogs up until now. Now that I have one though just wanted to say thanks for writing about your experiences and I know it's personally helped and inspired me a lot.
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