Friday, December 09, 2011

Telling my Family pt 2

There are a lot of things I regret in life. One of them is the story I am about to write. I have had some time to reflect on what happened after I told my parents. Time I really needed. I'm not proud of myself but this is what happened. 

Saturday rolled around and I knew I needed to tell my parents. I just couldn't do it. I thought a shot of Jack Daniels would calm my nerves. After a *few* shots I decided to head down and talk to my mom. She was in the kitchen... I think writing out Christmas cards. My father was not home. I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and sat down at the counter opposite of her. 

I started with small talk which led to her question "So, are you dating anyone? You know I would love grandchildren..."

Me: Yes, I am dating someone... (long awkward pause...)

Mom: So, what's her name?

Me: His name is Reid... .

FUCKKKKKKKK. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my back... When I looked up at my mother she had a look of DEATH on her face.

I will spare you the insane conversation that followed. My mother broke down and started to cry. I started to cry... which led me to pound my beer. This made me angry that I made my mother cry. What also upset me is that in those moments she did not say, "I Love You"

An hour or so later my father came home. I was upstairs... crying on the phone to Reid. My mother told me that she needed some time. I heard them conversing and my father coming up the stairs... 

What happened next is also a blur. My father was upset that I had made my mother cry and wanted to know what I could have done to make her feel awful. In my tears I explained what happened and told my dad that I was gay... had a boyfriend and wanted to tell them because for the first time in my life I was truly happy with who I am. 

My father took a swing at me. He had been out watching football with some buddies and was a little drunk. His swing missed so I tackled him to the ground. Realizing what I did I quickly got up and ran out of the house.

I didn't go home for a few hours. Wanted them to cool down. I texted my cousin and had him pick me up where I went to a bar with him to talk. We grabbed some food at a diner and I headed back to the house to talk. Things were still tense but I had a heart to heart with my family and showed them pictures of Reid and I together. 

It's obviously been a few weeks since Thanksgiving and my dad made a surprise visit to see me. He gave me a few hours notice. He came down because he wanted to spend some time with me and talk. And boy did we ever. He felt so guilty about what had happened between us and wanted to talk with me and wanted to meet Reid. 

Everything is fine now. I think the visit helped him see that I was happy and he was able to get a lot of things off of his chest. I've been putting off writing this blog because I really didn't want to reopen my feelings of that weekend. 

I just know that there are people out there that don't want to come out to their family because they fear that the same thing will happen to them. It's totally been worth it.

My one piece of advice is to not drink alcohol before you come out because as you can see... shit hits the fan and everything escalates. I really wish Reid had been with me when I did this. My dad told me that after he saw Reid and I at dinner together he "understood" what I had been talking about. 

Everyone does things at their own speed. Everyone knows the time when they should come out to their folks and close friends. I thought I picked the right time and wish I could have done it in a different way. I'm out. My dad has met my boyfriend and it has made my relationship with Reid even stronger. 

22 comments:

rugbysex said...

congratulations slugger.i'm sorry you had to endure all the pain. i believe w/ all my heart that you will never have to do anything quite so difficult again. you've crossed your rubicon and your relationship w/ reid is all the stronger for it. i know the expression, "it gets better" is everywhere these days. but it's true. there are no guarantees and any relationship takes effort and committment, but the worst is behind you. good luck and god bless as you celebrate the holidays with the person you love and who loves you in return in equal measure.

cheers!

Tiger Blue said...

Whew!

GDUSA (Originally BDNY) said...

Congrats! I couldn't believe you had to go through that. I'm happy for you that your dad now realizes. That must be a huge relief off your shoulders. Thanks for sharing your story.

-GDUSA

Dan Dunn said...

Congratulations. You did the right thing for yourself. I'm glad your family is coming down in the right place. Even if they didn't - it was still the right thing to do.

I hope every gay out there reads your blog, start to finish, and finds the strength to do what you have done.

Immanuel said...

Congratulations! All the best to you and Reid.

RADICALJOE said...

I have been following you for several years, and have read all
your blog postings. I had questions, and know what you have
gone through for quite sometime.
Hope that you find all the HAPPINESS that you can find with Reid. You more than deserve all
that life gives, then even more....
Hope your mom has stabalized, with
your father and his understanding,
you will have a relaxed Christmas,
I think the first one for you in
many years. Thanks for letting me
talk. I more than appreciate your
kindness. I hope that you have many years with Reid, and your Happiness will last, and last.

voretaq7 said...

Not a "fairy tale" coming out story man, but it sounds like it worked out OK at least. And now you've done it -- the worst is pretty much over.

Hopefully a little time will make things smoother, and Christmas will be a little less stressful for you.

Pseudoblogger said...

You inspire me. My moment to spill the beans is coming soon, I know it. Your bravery and honesty about your experience helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. As drained as I'm sure you felt/ may still feel, I can tell that there's also peace. I look forward to that.

Jerry said...

I'm sorry that you didn't get an ideal reception from your parents. I hope your mom comes around like your dad did subsequently.

nickdag said...

Perhaps I'm a jerk for saying this, but that didn't sound so bad. Many people wait years for their father to come by. It certainly wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting from your comments leading up to the post.

Another positive way of seeing this is that maybe the extremity of your dad's reaction forced him to get his priorities straight - sooner instead of later. In the end, he chose you and not some abstract ideology. That's no small thing!

Was this the ideal way to come out? Who the hell knows. But, it's done, and your new life can begin. Congrats! I'm happy for you.

Keith said...

My congratulations as well! Enjoy your new life without having to carry around a secret from people you love. All my best!

JustAMike said...

Congratulaions. I'm happy that your Dad would rather gain a son than lose one. Hope your Mom feels that way soon too.

It's interesting. People always think that their father will be the most resistant but as you have shown, and as has been my personal experience, that ain't always the case. My Dad and his wife love my BF (Dad says he wants to adopt him)but my Mom refuses to meet him. Go figure.

There may still be hurdles and heartaches for you in the future but with the love and support of your Dad, you can conquer it all. It is so worth it!

Steven said...

No the best for sure, but better than last week when ten of us, after notifying the police, went to my former students home to confront his screaming parents to get his belongings after being kicked out of the house. Your Dad came to talk and met Reid. That is great. His father and mother called him every name you can think of and said they never want to see him again. Hold Reid tight and be thankful.

Dave and Llew said...

Hey man, well done.. it's a struggle, but the worst is over, and it's going to get a whole lot better from now. So glad you have your guy to be with you too.

NorcalSam said...

Congrats on getting thru the most difficult part of the coming out process, and it is a process. Going thru the telling with extended family and friends should get easier after taking the courageous steps you took. Sounds like it's gonna be alright. I'm so happy you started down the path.

There are a lot of folks following your posts and interested in your journey. Hope you provide updates along the way.

Take care.

ribald said...

HOLY SHIT! That's a pretty dramatic coming out O_o

It does sound like things are turning up at least by the end of your post and I was afraid when I was reading the middle that it was going to be 1 of those worst case scenario type ones.

Hopefully years from now, you'll all be able to look back and laugh about it and that can be a funny/cool story you guys can tell to tell people

Thanks for your courage. You continue to inspire me and I am feel like I will come out in the next year too so reading your posts have helped me a lot personally. Congrats!

zarlo77 said...

Your story brought tears to my eyes pal, and a few memories to mind. I came out to my parents, (both now sadly deceased), in the U.K. in 1978. It wasn't easy and I was dragged off for psychiatric testing and counselling when the doctor told my parents that I wasnt mentally ill and that they were fortunate to have such a well balanced son!! However they never really accepted my sexuality and it was never spoken of again....times, me and the world have now moved on but it was harrowing at the time. I wish you and Reid every happiness, and PLEASE remember you only get one mother and one father - cherish your relationship with them both....work at it....one day it will be too late for compromises.

SpiritMountainGuy said...

Sorry to hear about the rough start but it looks like everything is working out in the end. Good luck! Keep us posted. - V

RRB said...

I'm glad things between you and your father worked out. I hope things work out with your mother as well.

Crístian Viana said...

I wish you all the best! when I came out of the closet to my friends it was hard too, but now things are better. it DOES get better! :-)

mac said...

Congratulations! The rough start just stresses that this takes a good deal of courage. You can be proud of yourself. And maybe you are enjoying your love for your boyfriend even more. I hope things will cool down and everything move in the right direction. Best of luck with the next steps!

ddices said...

doing the same thing right now, former varisty athlete and best in the country in track and field. The story has helped me on my way. Good work man.