Sup Ladies? Happy New Year! Heh... It's been a LONG ass time since I have updated. There are many reasons for this. I know. I start too many of my recent entries like this, but there is a lot to talk about in the world of Slugger.
I don't know where to begin really, so I'll just ramble on like I always do.
I haven't been myself in a VERY long time. Always hiding, always trying to figure out who I am. Dodging questions over girlfriends, sleeping with random girls just to keep up the image that I am this "Straight Baseball Jock Stud God." I found myself at a crossroads.
My last post, someone called Joey asked me, "Do you ever think about going to California getting a regular job, perhaps coaching baseball, and being with Joe on a full time basis?" At first I thought it might have been my actual Joe and that he had found my blog. I was crazy. I decided that I needed to just get away from a lot of what was bothering and driving me crazy and stayed away from being online and just thinking about who I am and where I am going.
A true quarterlife crisis. Apparently they are all the rage right now. Friends of mine, recently out of college and now in the workforce have them and are thinking of grad school... living in London for a year "just because" and thinking of all these crazy ideas just because they don't feel right.
I started to fall for someone that I had met on this blog. It's true. He was in a "relationship" with a guy that was in my situation and wanted advice and somene to talk to. Our conversations led to flirting and I found myself falling for him, online. I found myself attracted to his confidence, wanting to hold him and console him when he was upset and down. I felt for him. I realized that I needed a break and told him that I might disappear for a while, and I did.
This guy, who is awesome, helped me take time and reflect on what the fuck I was doing in life.
June 17, 2005 I wrote these first two entries. Many of you started reading my blog from the beginning and have commented on how much you identify with me and how I have helped you understand more about yourself and how you also love my rants.
I decided that during this time I would go back and read my blog, from the beginning and reflect back on life. I realized that my last few posts have been really flakey and not like myself at all. Something I need to change...
So I am in the process of changing, further accepting myself. It's my baby steps to eventually be "OUT" for lack of a better word. JP linked to a guys blog that I really found thought provoking... His name is Zach. He played basketball in college and now wants to play in the NFL. He likes both guys and girls. Fucking amazing. He has no problem talking about it, he is who he is.
I wish I had the BALLS to do what this guy is doing. I am left to ponder.
2008 is going to be a season of change. I am playing at a level that is very competitive. I am going to be living in the area of the country that I don't really know that well and have a really good chance of being called up to a Major League team.
I have been busting my ass, working out with a personal trainer and working on mechanics and other skills that will help me advance to the next level. There has also been this Joe Hangover that has really fucked with my mind and my emotions. I recently got over him by meeting a new guy.
Where I am living now is near a rather large University and has it's fill of "Straight" boys. I was having a weak moment and decided to log on to Gay.com and chat with guys in the area. I have a picture that you would expect to find on there, a bare chested shot of myself, no face and some mystery. I was getting hit up by older men, who, at this point in my life I am not interested in.
A 5th year senior sent me a private message, I will call him Ryan.
Ryan and I got to talking. He is a former college athlete and after an injury that caused him to "retire" became president of his frat. Now, he is enjoying his second senior year and letting loose.
Of course we did not talk about that online, it was more of:
Me: I'm Horny and don't do this often...
Him: Blah Blah, Neither do I... discreet... blah blah insert keywords here
We met up that night and something sparked between us. Here I am, getting over Joe, reflecting back on life and having a tiny crisis and I spend an ENTIRE weekend with a guy I met on the internet. Fucking crazy. My new location, I am living by myself, so it is easier to have this friendship become more and not have to worry about roommates.
Ryan and I spent the weekend together, got to know eachother and I felt very safe with him. The holidays crept up and I returned to the New York area to see family while he stayed behind. He called me every night to see how I was doing. We would talk at all hours, trade text messages and naughty picture messages.
It happened. I found someone that I could be myself around and not have to worry about walls. I returned and he was there art the airport to pick me up.
He's fucking incredible. Some of you I have talked to over the last month or so, I down played my relationship with Ryan to be just a "frat boy I plow"
It's turning into something more and it makes me happy.
2008 is turning out to be my year. I was at a low point in 2007 where I almost gave up on baseball. I didn't want to deal. Then, like always, I got out of my rutt and was doing better professionaly but was mentaly fucked up over Joe.
This is a new year, a better me, so far. I have also stopped smoking pot. I look back on some e-mails and see how fucked up I was.
Anyway, hit me up with questions for ask slugger. I am sure that a LOT of you have questions.