Monday, November 12, 2007


I am waiting in the Terminal right now in Miami heading back to the New York area. I have been down here in Miami for about 2 weeks and have had a blast. As most of you noticed, I was not online and there is a reason for that. I wanted to relax, spend time with friends I don't get to see and just get my shit together.

I checked my blog e-mail for the first time on Friday and did not respond for a few reasons. I've just realized a lot about guys out there. The internet is a wonderful thing. It's helped me sort through a lot of stuff in my head and share my experiences as a gay athlete with people who never would get to experience it. I've also been able to connect with athletes across the US and ramble on about what is going on with me.

Miami was a lot of fun. It's kind of a gamble talking about the trip. But it was a lot of fun. Went out clubbing and to bars with the boys while I was down here, which was really nice. I went out with one buddy, who signed a pretty good major league deal. He lives in South Beach, has a great place and has the money to spend when we go out. He's single and loves to go out, meet women and have fun.

He kept wanting to hook me up with his girls that he knew. I would obviously talk with them, smile, flirt and made out with a few. All the while my mind went back to Joe out in California. I was all kinds of fucked up. I kept thinking of Joe and wanted to talk to him, so one night, while sitting on the patio overlooking the beach I went and called him and he picked up.

I shouldn't have called him but it made me feel good to talk to him. Even though he is a long way away, I still like him and I shouldn't.

I got to get on the plane. More when I get back to my parents.


footballplaya said...

Slugger; we can't help how we feel. This is the best part of the human experience 'cause it's REAL (even when it's painful.) Don't feel bad about calling "Joe." On the rare occasions in life when we truly connect with another human being, it's not something to take lightly. Keep on slugging. Take care buddy.

Anonymous said...

You can't beat yourself up over how you feel. That will happen and there is nothing you can do about it.

Being gay is not only about having sex with a person of the same gender, it is having a closeness and wanting a connection with that person. Wanting that connection is what drove me out of the closet.

You have to embrace those feelings, trying to stop them will drive you crazy.

Josh said...

Being in situations like you describe can be nuts. I was married for 8 years and then came out. I know what it is like to live a double life and make certain choices. Stay cool and just remember who you are.

Ricky Tyler said...

You could continue to aspire and work towards a great career, and truly seek to live out your dreams. And meet truly great people who share your struggles and love you for them and in spite of them.

Or you could just tell people your gay and let the cards fall where they may. Who sent you a memo telling you everything needs to be public knowledge? Privacy, and virtue, are still wondeful aspects of life.

Seems like a no brainer to me.

joey said...

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes when I read your blog I hope that you never make it to the Majors. Why would I think that? Because I know going to the Majors means a closeted life likely until you retire. You could not even risk random internet hook-ups because you would be a public figure.

It is one thing to lead a private life, but it is another to go out with straight friends chasing girls, and continue to fake date Kerry. I know from experience this will take a toll on a person’s psyche. Not to mention how unfair it is to Kerry if she doesn’t know that she is your beard, and instead is secretly hoping to get back together with you.

I know you still love Joe, and I can imagine how painful it must be to try and move on while he sees other people. Do you ever think about going to California getting a regular job, perhaps coaching baseball, and being with Joe on a full time basis?

JON said...

I'd be interested in the answer to Joey's question also.

A friend had the opportunity to play for the Bengal's, but the realization that it would break up his relationship with his partner of 4 years caused him to turn that down. He went to the camp for about four months to try it out, but in the end came home.

He has not regreted that decision, but each of us has to make hard choices.

j_francoisTX said...

I really wonder if Joey's comments are more about being jealous about your decisions in life and his own personal selfishness. When a bud of mine has a dream he is chasing, i believe you support him in his dream. If that means putting things on hold for a while, then so be it. I swear some guys think that being out is the ultimate pinnacle of existence. That is their opinion, but, I ask, what if that isn't every dude's idea of the pinnacle?

...just sayin'

joey said...

j_francoistx, I promise you that I am not speaking from a place of jealousy, but rather a place of experience. I don’t wish Slugger a lack of success and happiness at all. I am just saying that leading a double life takes its toll on a person, any person, and every person. It makes achieving intimacy extra difficult, because you train yourself to hold back and hide a part of yourself from others. That is not the same thing as saying one must announce their sexuality to the world. I am definitely not saying that coming out of the closet is the pinnacle, but I have never met a person that says they wish they could go back in the closet, although I am sure such a person exists somewhere out there.

You know Slugger doesn’t usually say much about his internal struggles, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

The Minors are full of guys that are almost good enough to move up to the Majors, and few of them make the transition. At some point a person has to look honestly at their ability vs. that required by the Majors and determine if they can reach that performance before their age removes the possibility altogether.

Most of us have multiple paths to happiness, I just hope Slugger has at least thought of other ways to achieve happiness and fulfillment in case the Majors don’t work out. I can tell you from experience that professional success and money are nice, great, and even extraordinary, BUT sometimes the price of admission is too high! I walked away from such a life, and I have regrets that I did not do it sooner, not to say that my decision is the right decision for everyone. My advice is to understand the price ahead of time (as much as possible), because time and lost loves are not replaceable, but money and success are.

dan said...

dang slugger getting some great comments. just keep hanging in there bud. you set your goals an go for it, in or out.

Anonymous said...

Slugger follow the link below and read the post about this guy who comes out at age 33 after divorcing his wife, the date of the post is 11/18/07. Really interesting.

Check this out

Lucas said...

Huh, all this is definately interesting and granted, some actually know what you're going through, but some definately don't. I think on the other hand I can attest to your dilemas. I'm in the military and for a stupid reason-to prove to myself, my parents, and my friends that I wasn't gay. No one ever really knew, but you could sense that if I told them they wouldn't have been suprised.

Now, I too am forced to lead a double life. I have a friend and she's my cover. I have to put my relationship in town on the backburner and make sure we're not seen on an intimate level. I put up with homophobes everyday. I have to "put up with" fucking amazing and beautiful men that I know I'll never be able to have. But worst of all, I have to put up with some pretty ugly women...ok, maybe that's not the worst. Seriously though, it was a choice I made and I'm gonna have to stick with it for a while.

I'm proud to serve my country...but on the other hand, I'm sorry to have lied and cheated myself in the end of it all.

mikeinbama said...

I really enjoy your blog. I was a athlete is college and had to hide who I was, but now I'm out. I'm a little older and I understand what you're going through. Be true to yourself and do everything on your timetable. You will find the happiness and a balance that you're looking for in life.

gay basher said...

hey fag,
Why havn't you posted anything in 3weeks? You busy sucking all that small cock.

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dan said...

merry Christmas slugger!

ROD said...

Unfortunately, or fortunately, or gay men sex is a great way to meet people. Normally you fool around first and then start to develop feelings. The feelings are what's so real and natural. You two gotta find time to get away alone. Brokeback Mountain would have been so much better if it had been about baseball players.

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