Thursday, December 10, 2009


Back in 2005 I thought it would be cool to vent and talk about my frustrations, thoughts, feelings and a slice of my life.

It's almost 2010 and my life has been all over the country. I've had an amazing time living my life and I am on to another facet of that life.

I never thought that a blog like this would start so much. I had a blogger (who asked to remain namless) say in an e-mail that he thinks that I am the catalyst of a lot of the gay blogspots out there. Talking about being gay, dating and showing some hot eye candy in the process.

I feel as though it's only natural for someone to express their feelings about being lonely, falling in love and dealing with a breakup. Some people journal for hours on end and never share those feelings with anyone.

I decided to go this route.

Over the last two months I have got so much e-mail from readers saying that they loved reading my blog from start to finish. I decided to do so as well. Looked back and remembered all of my emotions and feelings from over the last (almost) 5 years.

My first post had 1 comment. My last one had 22 (plus or minus some spam)

I've shared a lot on this blog. I'm not saying goodbye.

A reader sent an e-mail saying that he had dated a guy who played in the CFL and Arena Football League. When he realized that his playing days were over a little part of him on the inside died. I felt that and continue to deal with it.

I'm staying in baseball. In what capacity I am keeping private.

There has been much debate to who I am. People calling me a fraud. Others reaching out for help and advice when I am in no where near any authority to be giving advice. All I can do is relate to the stories that several guys have told me over the course of the years.

Some of you have guessed who I am. Some were really outlandish. Some were of guys that I actually know of in the minor league system. One guy wrote me a love letter using very personal details of an affair he had with a player from a certain team. Those guesses and letters will never be revealed. There are 2 or 3 people who read this who actually know who I am. I like being anonymous.

I was asked by a friend about the blog and if I was going to keep doing it. I am going to keep it up and let you know everything that is going on in my life... to a point.

Wow this post got emotional. I'll write you guys an update on life in a few days but wanted to let you guys know that I am thankful and appreciate everyone the reads and reaches out.


Cincinnati NAMjA said...

I have to say that this is one of your better posts.

I have been struggling with staying annonymous as well. And its true, your posts do spur a lot of other blogs (including mine).

Whether you are fake or real is not the point, you tell great stories and draw the reader in to your world (while posting some hot pics).

Keep up the good work and I will continue to read your blog!

jlo said...

Thanks for staying with us. I am always glad to read one of your posts. I believe that you are what you say that you are, and I will not even try to guess your true identity Just remember that blog world will always be here waiting for you. LOVE AND HUGS

X66 said...

Have always enjoyed reading your blog. No need for you to reveal who you are. That's totally your personal decision. That's great you're staying in baseball in some capacity. Looking forward to reading any new posts you have!

dan said...

dude, I think it's awesome you're still with us... the whole thing is step by step, at least you've had a few cool relationships along the way. keep it up and good luck with everything ahead of ya.

drew said...

Thanks for including us in your life journey. I would assume most of your readers are gay and can related to your comments. You don't have to prove anything on your blog so I would just post what you wish and we will continue following along. Good luck with your baseball transition.

thejjman said...

Glad to hear you will keep your thoughts online. You have every right to remain private & we all respect that. What it special about your blog is not only do you say it well, but gay athletes all over the globe has faced some sort of discrimination or had to hear all the ugly comments that some straight guys make in a locker room about us. I was always ashamed to be in the locker room when I was younger & it stopped me from pursuing my love of certain sports. We all wait for the day that both gay and straight athletes are just accepted for being good in their respective sports and not what they do within their personal life. I think it is getting better and better & we all hope one day it is a non issue. In the meantime, guys like you are paving the wave. Even by "staying in the closet", the fact you are who you are and can proudly compete keeps doors open for all. If you ever decide to come out, it will even have a bigger impact. Your teammates will realize it wasn't a big deal and more fans will become more accepting. But if never come out, that is fine too because just being there & writing about it is positive enough! Love ya & wish you well!


Grand said...

your blog is one of my favorite to read and im glad you're continuing with it. no one knows about me and its hard some times. its nice to read about your good times...and bad. keep us in the loop =)

JUSTIN said...

You're the reason I started blogging.

Larry said...

I continue to value your blog, your spirits being cast here and there. for the past 6 years, I've been on staff of a very liberal Episcopal parish in a very conservative Episcopal diocese. I've just been part time, but due to budgetary constraints, my little job (and me) have apparently been cut. I said apparently because I've found out by a mistakenly forwarded email. Feels like crap. But I continue to receive, read, and value your blog and everyone's responses. Keep the faith, as they say!

Club-Player said...

I just found your blog the other day and started to read it. I want to say good for you. I too have a blog I post alot of eye candy. I sometime post what I am going thru, but find it hard sometimes to be that open with everyone. Again great blog keep it up.

BigE said...

Hey slugger, glad to hear you are not leaving us. I love reading your blog as it makes me reflect on my life playing sports (all school amateur) and then dating my pro football guy, which completely changed the way I look at the sports world. No need to reveal who you are, just blog honest and we will follow. Cheers!

John B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John B said...

I'm glad to hear that you'll still be working in professional baseball and I totally agree that you've inspired other closeted bloggers. Almost all of the other anonymous gay blogs I see follow your format. You're a closeted gay icon!

john said...

Nearly every openly gay guy I’ve met, I’ve liked. If someone asks if it bothers me that XYZ is gay, I answer honestly that it doesn’t. Not only does it not bother me, it doesn’t change what I think of them even a tiny bit. I wonder, but don’t claim to know if the gay community and the straight community would completely drop “gay” and “str8” as the only two choices. In fact being 100% of either would be incredibly rare YET it is generally accepted that we have those two choices plus “Bi”. Do you and other readers think that is the basis for the angst from the straight community? Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to come out because we’re expected to chose a side or claim “bi” – yet anyone I’ve come to know very well has admitted to some experimentation at different points in their lives, none of them regret it and would be willing again if the right person and circumstance occurred [came together –gigidy]
The typical jocks I’ve known casually quickly use the word fag, gay etc if someone mentions the topic of a mutual JO. They run screaming. Me? I say I’ve done it a couple of times in my life. I quickly get asked if I’m gay and say no. Days or weeks go by.
The guys using the word faggot or accused me of being gay eventually quietly ask me what it was like, how did it happen, who was it etc. etc. I don’t say who it was with, but I tell them: it was a pretty neat experience, I don’t regret it, I’m not embarrassed by it, I learned a ton about myself and about other guys and it gave me some amount of self confidence from it.
I’m attempting to point out that nearly every str8 guy is curious at some point and some act on it and some don’t. What if the first 10 girls a guy was with were just horrible experiences and the first two guys he messed around with worked out great. He’s leaning gay, but maybe luck and circumstance helped define him. It’s not a big push in either direction assuming we aren’t 100% gay or Str8.
Girl #11 could be the one, but the guy may have given up on girl 10 and started only looking for guy #3.
All guys crave acceptance of his peer group. That’s part of male bonding and fraternity. If that guy is between 15-30, something sexual is bound to happen. Any thoughts on this???

john said...

Continued... or that guy went ahead with girl 11 and she was the one.

Most people won't even admit to jerking off, much less admit to doing something gay or gay-ish. Until experimenting is accepted I think there will be many more people like Slugger who can't live an out life style and that's a shame.

Funny how "faggot" gets thrown around the locker room so readily, yet it's been my experience that guys check me out in the locker room and some have hit on me. Some guys who say faggot are the same ones who went into the shower completely flaccid, but don't leave exactly the same way. I think those people just aren't comfortable in their own bodies and project their frustration on others.

DruggyBear said...

have you ever considered that the reason it's so hard to come out as a gay athlete is because of you cowards who won't come out and show everyone how normal we really are?

Smartypants said...

DruggyBear, your comment that "the reason it's so hard to come out as a gay athlete is because of you cowards who won't come out and show everyone how normal we really are" strikes me as a misguided version of blaming the victim.

Yes, it would be great if professional athletes came out during their carriers, but when you weigh the risks of coming out against their short window of opportunity to make a living doing what they love -- I can understand the decision to stay in the closet.

Ultimately, the decision to come out should be a personal decision based on where an individual is in their life and their relationships with loved ones. The only exception is when someone is actively homophobic in their public life while getting off in the gay community in private. But that's not the case here.

I really appreciate the inside view and personal perspective our ballplayer shares. As a former rightfielder in T-ball who was always the last one chosen to play any team sport, I've learned a lot reading these posts about the love of sports and the passion to play. And the eye candy. That's really nice too.

Athens GA Poz Guy said...

Please don't stop posting. You have been an inspiration to many Athlete's both gay and straight to follow your heart and your dreams.

the pictures you post are amazing! If you ever come out, do it on your own terms.

Zach said...

Just recently came across your blog and just wanted to say that you are doing an awesome job, even inspired me to start one myself, if I can do even half as good as you i'd be proud, check it out if you get a chance :)

C said...

@ john, in 1948, Alfred Kinsey wrote a ground breaking book about male sexuality, and in that book he guessed that hetero- and homosexuality are not totally separate but exist along a continuum.

You've described the state of mind of men who are closer to the middle of the scale than those who are at either end of it.

I, for one, have been thoroughly and exclusively homosexual throughout my life. There wasn't any "tipping point" for me. I've only met a few guys who are in the middle as you've described. How many of those men exist is anyone's guess.

ClwGymJock said...

I really like reading your blog. Did you read about Gareth Thomas the Rugby Player? He came out...

NCALSam said...

Ever since OUTsports linked to you, I've enjoyed reading what you have to say and wish you luck as you transition from playing to "something else" in baseball.

Keep in mind that even this blog is making a difference in many lives.

Enjoy the holidays too!

Anonymous said...

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All pictures from my blog ( are changed to:

I messaged you before re linking and if you'd like to link with these new blogs let me know and I will reciprocate.

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Goodguy2k2 said...

Merry Christmas Mr. Baseball :)

Sam In Real Life said...

I just wanted to say thanks, I'm just confronting my identity and blogs like are really comforting, please don't stop.

much love

rcLoy said...

Merry Christmas!

QuakerJono said...

I'm terribly late to this party, but I just wanted to say this is a fascinating blog. I don't know if you're who you claim to be or if this is all sham and frankly, I don't care. Either way is interesting. If you're real, it's fantastically brave and honest. If it's fiction, then it's very effective character creation and interesting literary technique.

Either way, I'm enjoying reading through the posts and hope they continue in some aspect.

Jim said...

Kudos Mr. Baseball. I've heard about your blog but hadn't come upon it and tonight I did. Congratulations on your accomplishments.

I've had a similar tug-o-war with myself about the sexuality identity in sports. I've worked in professional and college sports for years. My favorite was with the Pirates in Pittsburgh. You are right -- stay in baseball and stay true to your passions. You may feel like an outsider at times when people bring their wives and girlfriends to the Christmas Party or the Opening Day Banquet, but you get through. I did.

I am working now in college athletics in a high-level administrator position and coming out and being myself would help my career. But I love sports. I love my work in our business.

I have great faith that you will find your way.

Jason_M said...

Glad to hear that you're staying in baseball and that you're going to continue writing. Your writing is a mitzvah!

Anonymous said...

I think I've spent the past 4 or so hours ready your blog from 2005 till this post, once it was linked from out sports. I'm also from the north east. I am a lesbian was a varsity in soccer and softball in high school. I'm extremely hesitant about playing college soccer, not because of my skill set but because of the "stigma" of out athletes. But back to you, I love your blog, parts of it are gritty, in a macho way emotional, raw, and just an amazing read. I look forward to your next post.

-Kara from jersey.

ps. your taste in men is great, gotta love those varsity wrestlers.
pss. that red head way way way way back in your blog the one from nj...I can swear up and down I've seen him at one point of my life.

Placeholder said...

I think the way for "active duty" gay major league athletes to come out would be as a group. Get 20 of them in one sport who are currently playing, and hold a press conference to announce that they are gay.

The Jackie Robinson model worked for black people, but that doesn't mean it's the only way to skin the cat. Gay people have tended to make their progress as a group, because the baggage is often just too heavy for one person to carry alone.

I think this is especially the case with respect to iconic American team sports like major league baseball and football. They are too wrapped up in masculine mythology to expect one guy to take all of it on.

But 20 guys? I think that could work.

kevin57 said...

I love baseball--Chicago White Sox fan--and I am gay. I appreciate and respect your reticence about coming out. It would take enormous courage...maybe even foolhardy insanity. But I do hope that one day you will experience that "call" inside every gay man to be authentically pretensions, deceptions, or shame. I am out and it took me a helluva long time with searing internal conflicts to do so, but I feel so liberated now. I realize that SO much energy went into hiding. Now, it's peace.

mikeyz7 said...

I just discovered your blog and spent the last few hours reading from the beginning. I must say it made for gripping reading. Rarely does someone open his heart as you have. I have struggled all my much-longer life and, for better or worse I do not know, have remained in the closet. I wish you well in your future. Hopefully you will continue to post thereby helping many others on this journey.

TGD said...

Wow, have to say that was an emotional post. You do you dude. TGD

jmg said...

I've really enjoyed your posts and your blog.

I completely understand your situation, and am hopeful, that at some point, things will become easier for all of us to be who were are both in private as well as public.

There is a part of me who wishes I knew who you are, so I could cheer you on and champion you, but please don't mistake that desire for admiration for a desire for you to be out. However, again, I do hope that at some point, you feel that it is there are others who are in the same position whether they are in sports or in other professions...and we do understand as all of us cannot be out.

My hope is that you continue to post and continue your blog, as it has been very enjoyable, for me at least, to follow and read...and I'd be sad to see it go.

Regardless, I do wish you the best and hope that despite the challenges, that you are successful in all of your endeavors in the future and that you find the happiness and success that I believe you deserve.

Take care...and again, thanks so much for that which you have provided and that which I hope you will provide in the future.


Evan said...

I'm pretty confident in saying that I'm not the only one dying to hear from you. It's been some time and I'm just hoping everything is okay... they say no news is good news, but you never know. I don't think I've commented before but I've definitely read through your whole blog and I hope you're able to find the time (and energy... I know it ain't easy) to give us a little update... even a couple sentences!

Mike said...

As a person that just barely came across this blog, I must say that I find it to be very inspiring, comforting, and most of all very revealing. It is revealing in the sense that it confirms that there are many of "us" out there that have to hide our true selves in order to not be discriminated against. It is a shame that many of us have to literally live a lie, but by reading this blog, it does make me feel better to know that there are more people like me. Hopefully the day will come when professional athletes don't have to worry about their sexual orientation determining the fate of their careers. With that said, I hope that Slugger does indeed continue with the blog, because it honestly does bring comfort to more people than he knows.

Anonymous said...

hi! all friends !! you update so quick !




Anonymous said...

hi! all friends !! you update so quick !




Anonymous said...

hi! all friends !! you update so quick !




Nick said...

hey I love the blog i really hope u come back. Blogging can be really healing.

Allan said...

wow, this is my first time ever coming across ur blog.... but can i just say wow, after i read the first post i called my BF and made him read it also.... im 18 and fresh out of high school, and while im not an athlete of major league level my BF is, he just got accepted to UCLA on a full ride scholarship in hopes of soon going to the pros, and honestly the things u talk about on this blog are pretty much the exact same thing he talks to me about. He tells me how its so hard to get closer and closer to people (as in his team mates ) everyday and feeling like he cant share his complete self and how he feels like he's hiding in plain sight. At this time its much easier on us than u seeing as he isn't in the majors yet and dosent really have to worry about things like TMZ or Perez Hilton. But reading your blog makes me pray more and more seeing as this is the life that i may one day have to lead, a life of secrecy and lies. But seeing as I love him more than life it's self im hoping its all worth it. I have no encouraging words to offer you seeing as im pretty much in ur same situation (hahahahahaha), but i know that in dew time u and my BF will come to a realization.......and i wish u all the luck in the world, and if you ever need someone to just chat with, hit me up...... maybe i can connect u and my BF since ur pretty much in the same boat!!!!!


radical joe
I sure hope you are ready for 2010, we sure looking forward to your wisdom, we need all that we can handle from all your success of bygone years. We need to give you all of hope to you and yours for your future to come. Peace.

scrumrob said...

You are not out publicly, but so what. I am also one who does not doubt that you are real. Your posts feel to authentic to be fraudulent. In some sense, an anonymous blog makes sense because it allows you to share inner, private thoughts without fearing violation of your identity; somewhat like a confessional where the priest cannot see you but hears your thoughts and feelings.

I am happy that you decided to stay with the blog, but even more excited you are staying in baseball in some capacity. It allows you to be there when you spot someone else struggling with inner turmoil and help in ways that might not reveal you as gay, but reassure him that he is still normal.

I will continue to check this blog from time to time to see where you take your future.

Juanne de Abreu said...

Peter said...

Hi mate. I read your blog with a happy heart, you sound in charge of yourself and that's the way to go. I sometimes deliberately don't identify myself as I reckon that a touch of anonymity enables me to really express myself as I truly feel it to be. Keep blogging and keep fit and happy.

I live in Melbourne, Australia so you have at least one Aussie fan mate.


Emily said...

If you're who I think you are on the verge of getting married. You broke up once've got to do it again. Dont be like the politicians who lie, then get caught, and watch a wife and family unravel. Do the right thing. Something tells me you will.

BigWoody said...

Thank goodness you left that gold digger. Did sleeping with the female sluts backfire on ya? U need to find a nice military boyfriend at the base, G.

Asp said...

Hey man, just recently came across your blog; it rocks. I love reading about the pro sports world from a gay perspective - I'm gay but I was just never one of those jock types. It's cool to see the wider spectrum of gays.