Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Life change

I haven't signed into my e-mail much since my last post. Sorry to the guys that sent me e-mails. I have been trying to respond to you guys.

I have had a rough few weeks. Without saying too much I think my playing days are over. It's a lot to handle for someone who has played this game for such a long time.

While I was going through this Brett Favre was getting ready to come back for another season in the NFL.

While my situation is not on the level of being a hall of fame player I know what it's like to hear that it's past your time.

I have been a great ball player. Most guys would give their left nut to be able to say they played at the major league level. I have played in the bigs and spent plenty of time on farm teams. Looking back at what I have done, I can say that I achieved my goal of being a professional baseball player.

I am very proud.

For those who have been following the blog... in 2006 I was injured and nursed myself back into playing and have built up a great track record since then. Well, the last half of my season has been spent nursing pretty much the same injury and I have been told that it's pretty doubtful that I will be able to play on a high level and stay competitive.

It's heartbreaking. It really is.

My life is not over though. I have an opportunity to keep my life on track and still belong in the game. Nothing is set in stone yet. What I do know is that I have some time to think about it.

I can't go into a lot of specifics but right now I am taking everything as they come to me and have a big choice to make very soon.

70 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your disappointment. Good luck making your decision and keep us posted.

RJ

Doug said...

aw Slugger, I'm sorry to hear of this. I hope everything works out for you. keep us updated when you can.

Kelly said...

Sorry to hear about this... I know it is rough. But from what you are saying you seem to have a good grip around what is going on and I am sure you will be just as successful in a different aspect of the sports life... just keep us posted...

Anonymous said...

I would focus on the positive. You are just one of a very few who can saw they had the opportunity to play in the big leagues. You will always be the center of attention for it. I am sure you will make the decision that works for you. Good luck with it. We readers are happy to offer you support!!
Andy

Anonymous said...

Know that there are a lot of people out here thinking about you. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I hope that you find the right path for yourself and can be happy. I hope you can continue to play. HUGS, Michael

mikeinbama said...

I'm so sorry that your baseball career may be coming to an end. I know you've worked hard to get to where you are in the game. Stay strong, buddy.

Anonymous said...

I like your attitude in the face of your loss, and the uncertainty of your future. I think the happiest people I have ever met are the ones that adapt to change without remorse, without looking back obsessively.

Hemingway said it best, "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."

I hope you are strong at your broken places.

Anonymous said...

great that you share this with us on your blog. just do what your heart tells you. if your heart says i love this game and i can do better, your body will follow. i can personally refer you to great practitioner who can help with your injury and restore you to your original state.
your body is an amazing machine, dun give it up what u love!!!

Jay said...

sorry to hear that. Good luck!

jlo said...

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope every thing works out the way you want it to. LOVE AND HUGS

Anonymous said...

Take your time with the thinking about it' part. But, grab both your butt cheeks off the ground and be strong, bubba :P

conman123 said...

Sorry to hear about what may be the end of your playing days. But that's just one chapter of your life. Another one is about to begin.

Stay strong!

VASURF said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Sorry Man, Have 3 slumpbusters on the D-L. Seriously though, I'm saddened by your predicament and hope that someway, somehow you can squeeze another season or two out of your body!

--Randy

Anonymous said...

Slugger, I don't think it's a bad thing that "this" career is coming to end. Just think about the rest of your life. You may stumble upon another career. That's the beauty of life! People do this all the time. You may consider commentary, acting, a clothing line, gay poster child, etc.

enjoy your second coming!!!

by
Mike Jones

Mike said...

Sorry to hear about that! That really sucks! Sounds like you have a plan on where to go next and how to get there! Stay positive!

randalfspeaks said...

I have fallen in love with your writing. I think you are wonderful for keeping a positive attitude. Thank you for all the great words and allowing us into your world. Keep writing.

Roland said...

Slugger - if you do retire don't think of it as an ending; think of it more as a beginning. You've stated that you've achieved your goal of being a pro ball player. I'm sure there are other goals that you've thought about. Here's that chance to go after them! Wishing you the very best always and all ways!

ClosetCoach said...

Hey Slugger. I have read your blog for the past few months and it inspired me to start my own. I am a closeted high school hoops coach and always torn about coming out. I hope my blog will attratc people the way yous did Check it out if you get a chance. http://closetedcoach.blogspot.com/

GomezPatchouly said...

Well, my heart goes out to you, Slugger. Maybe now's a good time to come out to all your friends and any family still left wondering. There's no better time to show what you are made of than when things look stacked against you. You may think this is a bad idea, but you will never "heal" completely as long as you play this other game in the closet. If you are faced with giving up the player aspect of baseball, then don't you think it's time to be true to yourself and to your fans? But whatever you decide, keep up the blog. As one of your most loyal fans, I look forward to hearing more from you soon.

Anonymous said...

out of lies to make up, you fraud?

Zac said...

well I've been fallowing this blog for quite a while but this is the first time that I replied. There is an article that I recently read from GQ magazine would be really helpful to you. It is about the brain trauma and rugby sport research. maybe right now it's not the right time to say, but I still hope that u can read it.

JUSTIN said...

Sucks man. At least you seem upbeat! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Slugger, you do what you feel is the right thing in your heart for you to do for yourself, to enhance the security of your own life.

The thrill of being a professional athlete, is intoxicating, I'm sure, and if you can make some coin, get yourself the pension by rehabbing, then go for it. You deserve it.

But if your journey's over, know that you've lived the dream, and you've got stories to share with the man of your dreams to last a lifetime.

Dusty said...

Sorry, but this sounds like a big steamy load of crap. A lot of guys have spent their lives fighting for equal rights. You've chosen not to. You have every right to be in the closet. It's not society's fault that you're in the closet. It's your choice. Stop whining about it.

Anonymous said...

hey, who moved your cheese?

Anonymous said...

Having been on both sides of the closet, I know how hard it must be for you.

I just wish we had more people come out so the young gay people have some one to look up to.

For me it was Dave Pallone. But whatever you decide about your future, good luck with it.

John B said...

Wow, that's devastating Slugger and I'm so sorry to hear that. You've faced adversity with your sexuality and injury and I'm sorry to hear if either keeps you from following your dreams. I'm an artist and always worry about losing my sight or dexterity to draw so I can't imagine what a physical setback could do to you and your career.

Even if you can't play ball you can try and find a sports related career and maybe it will be even better than you imaged. Perhaps you could even be out of the closet in a different area of the sports industry.

I wish you the best during this difficult time and hope it all works out in your favor. There's always a silver lining and I hope you find yours. Best.

JB said...

can i just tell you, i read through your blog today because it was linked on outsports. Your story is one so many people can relate to, and it really sucks that you might have to end your career now. all the best wishes,
JB

Hanna said...

Awwwwwww. No. I am so sorry to hear that. I truly am. But keep your chin up, kid. And let us know what you decide to do. We all care.

Tommy said...

I loved when you played for the Blue Jays.

Cincinnati NAMjA said...

Without the pressure of being a ball player, maybe you can focus on other aspects of your life...good luck!

Anonymous said...

i think I've solved the puzzle.....

Anonymous said...

i am sorry that your life has come to this crossroad. i wish you the best.

sportsnmen said...

Slugger......makes no difference who you are..only important to follow your heart and do what you love. I am former college ballplayer who screwed it all up and now am involved in Gay softball in So Cal..great outlet and fun as hell for us beat up ex athletes. Best to you....

rcLoy said...

Hey Slugger,
My 1st visit here and it's already a sad post. :( I hope you are feeling way better now. Everything happened for a reason. I guess you just gotta look at the bright side of life. Wish you all the best! Can't wait for more stories. =)
Loy

sportsnmen said...

Hey Slugger, by the way check out my blog..just thoughts and stuff about being gay and loving sports..
http://sportsnmen-gaysportsfan.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Dear RT,
I am sorry for the stress you are going thru.
Did you have a boyfriend in high school or college?
I was in Omaha when we won the CWS.
It was rumored in BR that you were gay and nobody cared.
I watch most of your games on TV.
Good luck and do not quit!!
Big fan of yours.

DG312 said...

I just stumbled upon this blog and I totally feel your angst. I have just started coming out to a few close friends. I probably resemble you in the sense that I don't scream "gay". Your story is an inspiration to me and I am so sorry to hear that you are leaving the big leagues. I wish you nothing but the best in all your future endeavours. I would definitely by you a beer if you visited my part of town but you've made it abundantly clear for your reasons not to accept the offer(which I completely understand). I hope you find your happiness and the courage to be yourself. I know how hard it is but I do feel better and I take each day as new opportunity to better myself.
Thank you for sharing so much with us and more importantly thank you for helping me feel normal. Although I may never know your true identity it has been a pleasure getting to know a side that probably few know. I hope you find love and happiness.

Anonymous said...

Hey there. Sent you an e mail to an account you put in one post but perhaps that was incorrect. Went to Ohio State and great place to be a sportsfan. Bi here and have avery interesting story to share about a former MLB player who I believe is now hall of fame. If I had known then what I know now I could have had fun. You mention in one blog you go back to NY offten.Is that upstate or NYC area that you come back to? On Long Island here now.

Anonymous said...

Slugger,

I understand, sort of, what you are dealing with emotionally and mentally. I am retiring from the military (closeted) and am trying to come to terms at this time-20 plus years is a very long time. If you need to talk, send email to theoj1969@gmail.com and I will give you my real email. I still need to be cautious. Thanks for blogging.

Blake said...

This seems like a bad time but I'm sure you'll find a new career. I suggest that you move to a new city where they don't know you and don't care whether you're gay. You don't have to come out, but it would be nice to not feel threatened all the time. Pick another sport besides baseball. You're doing this for fun, not fame. Obviously, pick one that doesn't aggravate your injury. And when looking for a job (with your MBA) look for a business where they don't care whether you are gay. If you look at who advertises with HRC or The Advocate, for instance, you'll see plenty of companies who are supportive. Many of us go through big changes in our lives. Clearly you have the skills and talents to find your way through this challenge. Good luck and keep us posted.

bub said...

I just came out a couple of years ago after a bout with a brain tumor that destroyed my pituitary gland. So, I am going to say something you may not like. Bat-shit crazy love doesn't happen often. And nothing else is important. I would kill for a guy to say hi was bat shit crazy in love with me. And waiting while he did the most important job would be difficult, but so worth it. Afer all I have been going through, I know only love to be truth. Ryan, if you read these, life is too short for anything less that bat shit crazy kind of love.

You are more than just a baseball player.

Jim said...

Your site was a pleasant surprise to find, thanks to a good friend of mine. I look forward to reading more in the months to come. Wishing you all the success and happiness that life can bring you! Cheers...

Pack said...

Oh BB, hope you get better. Hard choices to make, but still, one decision always lead to something new and maybe better. Get well, nurse that injury well, and come back to the game stronger than ever !

BigWoody said...

Dear Slugger,
I found your blog thru Outsports and am now a fan. You are very brave to share your life. Your pride is well deserved having achieved your goal to play in the "bigs" and I hope u can rehab to play again at the same level next spring. Think of Billy Bean as an inspiration for your future... u will find love (like Billy) and a partner again after u retire. You are young and have plenty of time to find "him". And, by the way G, u seem so sweet and handsome. If you play next year, and if you decide to come out for the remaining time you have to play, I will be one of many new gay fans to be buying your jersey. (I know, you're not a martyr, a guy can dream though can't he?)

Sam said...

Dear Slugger,

Know that if you come out you will be overwhelmed by more support than you can imagine. Regardless of what your future holds, please keep posting.

Best regards

vglathlmascman said...

hey man NCAA-I head coach here
love reading your thoughts man very insightful
gay here as well and NOT out
football player here just came out to me
he's a top prospect and a great kid
gonna refer your blog to him
would love to talk with you more
u can email me at my username at gmail dot com

gaycollegecoach said...

just started my blog man
gaycollegecoach
have many stories to relate

Anonymous said...

Where is your blog, gaycollegecoach? Google search came up empty.

Anonymous said...

Its funny, life is always full of choices, some easy, some hard ... but choices nonetheless ...

Goodluck with whatever choice you make.

Anonymous said...

Recent advancements in medicine are allowing athletes to recover from what would have been career-ending injuries as recently as 2006 or 2007. Make sure you've exhausted the latest options for treatment before making a decision.

thejjman said...

slugger, just stumbled onto your blog. i tried to read as many of your posts as i could from inception. i always knew their were active gay baseball players playing & never understood what the big deal was (i.e. just being yourself). but i guess it is still backwards in many cities. anyhow, i wish you the best and for sure will keep following your thoughts. i hope to read one day you came out.

the best, joe.

eb925guy said...

wow, great to find your blog and at least know you have an outlet for expressing yourself. I didn't come out until a year or so ago at 50 and I hope some day you can do the same. Hang in there. Sorry about your playing days. My neighbor went through the same thing, was with the A's then traded and eventually had to give it up do to injuries also.

Good luck Slugger!

/d

Duma said...

I'm fascinated, this blogg has my full attention. Hope all is on the up and up. I'll be checking the blogg for updates regularly. Be well, be you.

Anonymous said...

Slugger: I just blundered across your blog today, via Twitter. Just a few thoughts:
1) Kudos to you for writing this journal, it is an excellent portrayal of how tough it is to be closeted, and also sometimes necessary to protect a career
2) Love reading your personal stories
3) Smart move to pass on the porn star's offer of a weekend hook up. Although he might not have intended to out you, there was no way of knowing; and sites like TMZ could be brutal to your career
4) Your site also shows how damaging homophobia is to us; I live in the most liberal city in Texas (some call it the blueberry floating in a bowl of tomato soup), but even here people can still be small minded, homophobic redneck haters. Sort of mind blowing, really... Anyhow, am enjoying your postings. I hope if your professional ball playing career tapers off, you phase into another lucrative path (sportscaster, etc). You can certainly write a book about your experiences. I'm currently trying to sell a book to agents/editors now myself (freelance writer/trainer/alternative health provider here).
Best to you, Slugger, & please keep posting. You can find my profile w photo on Twitter (with my web site posted) at:
http://twitter.com/MuscleJockTX
... Wade/Austin TX

Thirty3 Naked Laydies said...

So sorry to hear about the re-injury. But know that like you said -- you've played a good game with professionalism. Now, your life CONTINUES to lie in front of you. Lift your head up, smile, and let's get going. We're behind you.

Anonymous said...

Hey man, sorry to hear about your injury - I also just stumbled across your blog and can only imagine the angst of being in the closet and a professional athlete. You are in my thoughts - good luck with making a decision on your future.

Sean

athenshole said...

I just discovered your blog today and feel compelled to write. Just from scanning a few of your entries it is apparent your love of the game, your struggle and coming to terms with the possibility of retirement.

Whatever your decision it is evident you have a penchant to touch people on an emotional level so please keep writing. I look forward to reading your blog in detail.

chris said...

I just discovered this blog and my impression after 15 minutes of reading is that for someone so obsessed with remaining in the closet, you've given out WAY too much information that could make you easily identifiable.

We know you got injured in '06, came back and had a couple good years, spent the second half of '09 nursing an injury, and are now past your prime and ready to retire. You were a non roster invitee in 2008. And you were in a horrible slump in May of this year. I bet that by analyzing MLB stats I could narrow down a list of no more than 5 people who match those specific criteria.

Then there's that pizza box story, which would immediately make you identifiable if your teammates were to read it.

Are you subconsciously hoping to be identified? Maybe seeking a push out of the closet?

Publisher said...

I don't doubt that your postings are real. The only question is when will you be? Only then will you become you and find yourself as you would like to see yourself. But as a journalist and writer for many years, I know how homophobic the inner sanctum of sports can be. What do you after graduation though? When do you get to become who you are?

Hank said...

Who cares if you are gay. You are a great player and a credit to the game. Try to overcome your injury and the hell with the rest of it.
This from a straight rabid baseball fan.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog today, and just wanted to say, I wish you all the best. Keep the Faith, and from what I have seen here, know that you have supporters, and friends. For what it is worth, you have one more, me. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I hope whatever happens you keep this site going. Reggie

Anonymous said...

Hey, I've read your blog on and off for a bit, and I just want to say that a lot of us have been where you are - ending a career where being out is a problem, and pondering both our next career move and coming out.
I did decide to come out and I've been very successful in my second 'career.' Regardless of what you decide about coming out, I wish you the best of luck in both love and work.

Anonymous said...

chris, good post. I have been wondering the same thing.

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Ayjj La said...

You're a good guy! And good guy triumphs in the end. :D

Be happy, always!

Toby Fifrick said...

Hey that really sucks and as a semipro football player i feel what u r going through. Just remember the straight guys fear what is better then them. it would be cool to talk to u sometime, my email is ibdman75@yahoo.com.

Rob said...

I just spent my Sunday morning reading your blog all the way to the beginning from the most recent post. What an amazing ride you have had! I do hope you have continued success if you do retire, and I hope if you do come out; you let your readers know who you are. Thanks for the pleasure of your text :) -Rob, Diamondbacks fan-

Terry LeGrand said...

I have a gay radio show and would like to have you as my guest sometime. Go to my webpage Terrylegrand.com check it out and use the contact me section to let me know if we can work this out.

We can discuss the subject matter with dignity.

Regardless, Good Luck to you and your ventures.