Sup Ladies? Happy New Year! Heh... It's been a LONG ass time since I have updated. There are many reasons for this. I know. I start too many of my recent entries like this, but there is a lot to talk about in the world of Slugger.I don't know where to begin really, so I'll just ramble on like I always do.
I haven't been myself in a VERY long time. Always hiding, always trying to figure out who I am. Dodging questions over girlfriends, sleeping with random girls just to keep up the image that I am this "Straight Baseball Jock Stud God." I found myself at a crossroads.
My last post, someone called Joey asked me, "Do you ever think about going to California getting a regular job, perhaps coaching baseball, and being with Joe on a full time basis?" At first I thought it might have been my actual Joe and that he had found my blog. I was crazy. I decided that I needed to just get away from a lot of what was bothering and driving me crazy and stayed away from being online and just thinking about who I am and where I am going.
A true quarterlife crisis. Apparently they are all the rage right now. Friends of mine, recently out of college and now in the workforce have them and are thinking of grad school... living in London for a year "just because" and thinking of all these crazy ideas just because they don't feel right.
I started to fall for someone that I had met on this blog. It's true. He was in a "relationship" with a guy that was in my situation and wanted advice and somene to talk to. Our conversations led to flirting and I found myself falling for him, online. I found myself attracted to his confidence, wanting to hold him and console him when he was upset and down. I felt for him. I realized that I needed a break and told him that I might disappear for a while, and I did.
This guy, who is awesome, helped me take time and reflect on what the fuck I was doing in life.
June 17, 2005 I wrote these first two entries. Many of you started reading my blog from the beginning and have commented on how much you identify with me and how I have helped you understand more about yourself and how you also love my rants.
I decided that during this time I would go back and read my blog, from the beginning and reflect back on life. I realized that my last few posts have been really flakey and not like myself at all. Something I need to change...
So I am in the process of changing, further accepting myself. It's my baby steps to eventually be "OUT" for lack of a better word. JP linked to a guys blog that I really found thought provoking... His name is Zach. He played basketball in college and now wants to play in the NFL. He likes both guys and girls. Fucking amazing. He has no problem talking about it, he is who he is.
I wish I had the BALLS to do what this guy is doing. I am left to ponder.
2008 is going to be a season of change. I am playing at a level that is very competitive. I am going to be living in the area of the country that I don't really know that well and have a really good chance of being called up to a Major League team.
I have been busting my ass, working out with a personal trainer and working on mechanics and other skills that will help me advance to the next level. There has also been this Joe Hangover that has really fucked with my mind and my emotions. I recently got over him by meeting a new guy.
Where I am living now is near a rather large University and has it's fill of "Straight" boys. I was having a weak moment and decided to log on to Gay.com and chat with guys in the area. I have a picture that you would expect to find on there, a bare chested shot of myself, no face and some mystery. I was getting hit up by older men, who, at this point in my life I am not interested in.
A 5th year senior sent me a private message, I will call him Ryan.
Ryan and I got to talking. He is a former college athlete and after an injury that caused him to "retire" became president of his frat. Now, he is enjoying his second senior year and letting loose.
Of course we did not talk about that online, it was more of:
Me: I'm Horny and don't do this often...
Him: Blah Blah, Neither do I... discreet... blah blah insert keywords here
We met up that night and something sparked between us. Here I am, getting over Joe, reflecting back on life and having a tiny crisis and I spend an ENTIRE weekend with a guy I met on the internet. Fucking crazy. My new location, I am living by myself, so it is easier to have this friendship become more and not have to worry about roommates.
Ryan and I spent the weekend together, got to know eachother and I felt very safe with him. The holidays crept up and I returned to the New York area to see family while he stayed behind. He called me every night to see how I was doing. We would talk at all hours, trade text messages and naughty picture messages.
It happened. I found someone that I could be myself around and not have to worry about walls. I returned and he was there art the airport to pick me up.
He's fucking incredible. Some of you I have talked to over the last month or so, I down played my relationship with Ryan to be just a "frat boy I plow"
It's turning into something more and it makes me happy.
2008 is turning out to be my year. I was at a low point in 2007 where I almost gave up on baseball. I didn't want to deal. Then, like always, I got out of my rutt and was doing better professionaly but was mentaly fucked up over Joe.
This is a new year, a better me, so far. I have also stopped smoking pot. I look back on some e-mails and see how fucked up I was.
Anyway, hit me up with questions for ask slugger. I am sure that a LOT of you have questions.
22 comments:
Hey, I'm glad that you updated your blog. I'm looking forward to reading about what is going on in your life. Thanks again for the update.
Good to hear that your 2008 is starting out right. Hope everything continues to get better for you.
COngrats buddy--no questions here. Just tons of encouragement and throwing positive thoughts your way. Good luck!
M
Glad you're back - 2008 is going to be a big year for many of us.
First of all, let me say I'm really glad you're back! Secondly, your blog is awesome and I am REALLY glad that you are starting off 2008 with some GREAT things happening in your life. I've made some changes personally and can't wait to see how they pan out for me. Keep us posted! :)
Happy New Year! Looks like you're starting the year off on a good note. Glad that you've updated us on what's going on. We all want to be loved and accepted, so it's nice that you've found someone you have something in common with and can be yourself. Will this positive mood affect you professional life? Only you can do that but I'm sure there will be many benefits from a wholesome relationship. Keep us posted!
Hi, glad you are starting to see the bigger picture. Being in your early twenties and in a very hetro world your perception was skewed somewhat and that is bad for you and you alone. I hope that you find what you are looking for, and that you are proud enough of yourself that you can tell people who you are, and not who they think you should be.
It's really great you've found Ryan. I guess my question is, can you have "something more" with Ryan and still be the "Baseball Jock Stud God?" Do you have to be the BJSG, or can you just be Slugger, the baseball player? I'm sure it will help to have someone like Ryan to talk with about all of this, and I know you've mentioned talking to other bloggers, but I wonder if you've ever thought about talking to a professional therapist? It seems like a lot of major shit to work out by yourself. Just something to consider. Best of luck in 2008, with everything.
This is the first time I've read your blog and I have to say that I'm happy to hear that you are thinking about what it will take to be happy in the future.
Everyone will give you advice. Just keep thinking about what you want. Is it baseball and a boyfriend? That CAN happen. None of us are wired to know how to do it, but it CAN be done. It just takes a little work.
Keep at it man.
I'm really glad that your relationship with Ryan is turning is turning into something more. Jocks tend to be social creatures, at least the ones that play team sports, and need emotional support. Unfortunately, you can't get all the emotional support you need from your teammates due to being gay. Therefore you need the emotional support of a lover (as opposed to a fuck buddy) even more than the straight guys do. JP can help you out a lot. But a lover is your "rock". I hope it works out.
As long as you are happy, all my questions are answered.
damn lucky frat boy!
hey man good to see you blogging.
good luck in 2008, with training and everything else.and obviously you're having some fun in or out.
no POT! hell yeah dude. good call.
later.
I hope that ten years from now you look back and see you are free, fulfilled, and still a successful athlete. No reason they should be separate for you.
-Chris in Alaska
Slugger! Had just about given up on you, bro. So glad to know that the off season is treating you so well. Thanks for keeping us posted. Best of luck on your own Field of Dreams this season. (And as for your personal life, "Go The Distance.") Keep hitting with authority!
Good job keepting up the blog!
I just discovered your blog and I think it's great, kinda courageous. I am 52 and just coming to terms with being gay. Well, yes and no, I always knew, and most likely my family suspects -- never had a girlfriend. But I just never wanted to deal with it, and I was a newspaper sports writer, covered high schools and colleges, some pro football and baseball. Last summer a 21-year-old decided I was hot and just pulled me in, at a tanning salon. So now I'm exploring but not out, not yet (too much drama in my family right now, don't need more). I taught at a university and knew many gay students, they'd come out to me because they knew I would be fine with it. That included guys in fraternities. Anyway, keep on rockin' in college, have a good semester.
I recently moved from NC to Chicago. Its a big move for me and I'm really excited about it. Sounds like you are doing better and have a lot of exciting new things going on for you too. Good for you and here's hoping 2008 is a great year.
Are you still alive?
Here is my ask slugger question:
Your descriptions of sex always seem to indicate that you’re a top. Have you ever bottomed, if yes do you like it? If not would you?
I have a question myself, but i know you're busy with your own life, and it sounds like you have enough issues within your own head to deal with, but on the off chance you want to take on another.
Have you ever felt disgusted with yourself after doing it with one of your friends in high school, or in college? If so was it just morally?
I'm asking because it's happened to me. But the wierd thing is that everytime i crawl into bed all i can think about is doing it with my guy buddies.
thanks
Slugger, I am so happy about your relationship with Ryan. I met this guy on a site like gay.com - We emailed each other a bunch of times, just chatting about stuff that I could never talk to with my friends, before we decided to meet up.
The experience I had with him seemed very similar to yours and Ryan's. Something just felt right with him and I had a great night with him. And though I thought it would be like how you and Ryan IM and text each other, it didn't end up that way.
If you read my blog, it's all up there, but basically he lives across the country. It's just so tough to give up and move on because I felt like something had clicked that night between us... you probably know the feeling. I'm just hoping it works out and I can be as happy as you are with Ryan.
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