A Gay Athlete's Life

New Year, New Feeling

2012-01-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

Random Dudes

My life has changed tremendously. One of the things I am very happy about is how awesome I feel. No more watching what I say when I am out with friends. No more worrying that I am going to be shunned by my family. I honestly feel the best I've ever felt.

What sucks is that I wish I felt like this in my prime playing shape. I needed to experience everything that I went through in order to get to the point I am at right now and I know that. I embrace it.

I spent New Year's with a bunch of friends at a bar downtown. Of course Reid came with me. This was the first time I had someone with me that I really cared about on New Years Eve.

Why should I care about the event of New Years? It's a reset button for a lot of people. It's a time to reflect back on life and think about what you want in the coming year.

Every NYE I try to set goals and accomplish them to the best of my ability. This year I looked at my life which was filled with a lot of ups and downs. My year ended on the upside which was fantastic. Looking ahead to 2012 was an amazing feeling. I am in love with a guy and have a huge promotion coming down the pike. Plus I am heading to Vegas with Reid to celebrate a friends birthday... it's a big gay birthday so that should be fun and a new experience.

As far as NYE goes this bar downtown that we went to is straight. No big deal. We got drinking and as it got closer to midnight a buddy of mine asked me if I was going to kiss Reid at midnight and shock most of the people in the bar if they noticed...

I am at a point where I don't care what anyone else thinks of me when I kiss Reid in public. I knew I wanted to make out with the man I loved when that clock struck midnight. I wanted to close out the year and start the new one connected in an embrace with the man I love with all my heart.

This wasn't going to be a random kiss... I planned on putting a lot of emotion and build up into this kiss. A kiss I have been waiting for my entire life. That sounds stupid and corny and a bunch of bullshit but I meant it and I still do.

Leading up to midnight I started whispering in Reid's ear that he was mine at midnight. He likes when i get aggressive. When I leaned in to tell him that I made sure to lick his earlobe a little bit. The minutes ticked down and turned into seconds... at 30 seconds I looked into his eyes and my emotion built up.

The kiss I gave him at midnight was fucking fantastic. For those of you reading and rolling your eyes I'm sorry. I can't help but gush about this guy.

After the celebration was over and everyone in the bar started doing shots and dancing to LMFAO a buddy of mine pulled me aside and told me that he expected nothing less of me that night. If I had not kissed Reid at midnight my buddy was going to give me a bunch of shit for being a pussy and not kissing my boyfriend. Granted the guys I was with could have taken the entire bar plus the bouncers by themselves... it was nice to have the support.

I am incredibly blessed and happy that I have friends that have been supportive and amazing. Not everyone has that kind of support and I have been incredibly lucky to have guys have my back.

Hope all of you had an amazing New Years Eve. Here's to 2012.

A lot of you in the comments have been asking how to get in touch with me... you can hit me up here.

Support

2011-12-15T15:01:00.000-08:00

It's amazing to get an overwhelming amount of support from people in real life and from guys like you who read the blog and have been coming back to read about my life even though I take long breaks from posting on the site. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to comment or send me an email.

The support I have received has been amazing. First and foremost... Reid has been by my side since I returned and endured a lot from me over the last few weeks.

What I left out of the stories below is that Reid and I had a conversation on the phone when I was home where I yelled at him for not being there for me. I wasn't clear in what I meant and he took what I said wrong and was incredibly angry at me. In any relationship it takes time for someone to settle down and realize what was going on in the situation.

When I returned home from NY, Reid was at the airport waiting for me. I did not know how he was going to react. If he was still mad at me for our conversation (argument) that we had a few days prior. He came up to me and gave me a huge hug and held me. It's one of those moments where you in the middle of an embrace and it just feels so incredibly right and so incredibly comforting that you just don't want it to end.

That night he made dinner for me at his place and watched some Netflix on his couch. We cuddled on the couch and just held each other.

In the time since that night I have needed some space to just reflect over what happened. Then my dad came to visit. After he left Reid would drop by my office to just say hi, take me to lunch and just be around to talk about anything and everything I ever needed. He's incredibly thoughtful and don't know what I did in a past life to deserve such a caring and amazing individual.

Telling my Family pt 2

2011-12-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things I regret in life. One of them is the story I am about to write. I have had some time to reflect on what happened after I told my parents. Time I really needed. I'm not proud of myself but this is what happened.

Saturday rolled around and I knew I needed to tell my parents. I just couldn't do it. I thought a shot of Jack Daniels would calm my nerves. After a *few* shots I decided to head down and talk to my mom. She was in the kitchen... I think writing out Christmas cards. My father was not home. I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and sat down at the counter opposite of her.

I started with small talk which led to her question "So, are you dating anyone? You know I would love grandchildren..."

Me: Yes, I am dating someone... (long awkward pause...)

Mom: So, what's her name?

Me: His name is Reid... .

FUCKKKKKKKK. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my back... When I looked up at my mother she had a look of DEATH on her face.

I will spare you the insane conversation that followed. My mother broke down and started to cry. I started to cry... which led me to pound my beer. This made me angry that I made my mother cry. What also upset me is that in those moments she did not say, "I Love You"

An hour or so later my father came home. I was upstairs... crying on the phone to Reid. My mother told me that she needed some time. I heard them conversing and my father coming up the stairs...

What happened next is also a blur. My father was upset that I had made my mother cry and wanted to know what I could have done to make her feel awful. In my tears I explained what happened and told my dad that I was gay... had a boyfriend and wanted to tell them because for the first time in my life I was truly happy with who I am.

My father took a swing at me. He had been out watching football with some buddies and was a little drunk. His swing missed so I tackled him to the ground. Realizing what I did I quickly got up and ran out of the house.

I didn't go home for a few hours. Wanted them to cool down. I texted my cousin and had him pick me up where I went to a bar with him to talk. We grabbed some food at a diner and I headed back to the house to talk. Things were still tense but I had a heart to heart with my family and showed them pictures of Reid and I together.

It's obviously been a few weeks since Thanksgiving and my dad made a surprise visit to see me. He gave me a few hours notice. He came down because he wanted to spend some time with me and talk. And boy did we ever. He felt so guilty about what had happened between us and wanted to talk with me and wanted to meet Reid.

Everything is fine now. I think the visit helped him see that I was happy and he was able to get a lot of things off of his chest. I've been putting off writing this blog because I really didn't want to reopen my feelings of that weekend.

I just know that there are people out there that don't want to come out to their family because they fear that the same thing will happen to them. It's totally been worth it.

My one piece of advice is to not drink alcohol before you come out because as you can see... shit hits the fan and everything escalates. I really wish Reid had been with me when I did this. My dad told me that after he saw Reid and I at dinner together he "understood" what I had been talking about.

Everyone does things at their own speed. Everyone knows the time when they should come out to their folks and close friends. I thought I picked the right time and wish I could have done it in a different way. I'm out. My dad has met my boyfriend and it has made my relationship with Reid even stronger.

Telling My Family

2011-12-02T12:07:00.000-08:00

I remember watching the video above when it first hit YouTube.I cried my eyes out. I wanted to throw him in bed and cuddle with him. Here is this macho guy, a lot like myself, coming out to his dad on the phone and his dad loves him. I was incredibly happy for him.

My trip home to New York was hell. My flight was delayed getting into JFK and my cousin was stuck in traffic. I asked my cousin to pick me up for one reason... I wanted him to be the first family member I told. He's been like a brother to me all these years. Of course it did not go the way I planned. It never does. This entire weekend did not go as planned.

My cousin shows up late. I'm sweating. He asked me what I was up to on Wednesday night... the biggest night of the year to go out and get shitfaced. I had made plans to meet up with my buddies I saw at TJ's wedding.

(Awkward Silence)

Cousin: So are you fucking a lot of hot chicks in (city)?

I stared out the window at the passing cars on I-95.I thought I was going to puke.

I finally knew I needed to just rip the band-aid right off and I said this...

"No...not at all. I have a boyfriend..."

I fought back tears. I couldn't look at him in the face.

He started laughing like I was telling a joke and said something a long the lines of 'funny joke' or whatever... all I know is that I just let loose everything I have ever wanted to tell my cousin about being gay.

While I was talking a mile a minute my cousin pulled off of 95 and into a gas station. I really had not noticed because tears were coming out of me and my heart was racing a mile a minute. I honestly have no idea what I was saying to my cousin. Looking back I am trying to remember but all I can remember is me being a crying mess and my cousin looking at me.

He reached over and gave me a huge hug. Longer than a usual bro hug. This was a cry I had not had since I lost my Grandfather to cancer. For those of you out there who have gone through something similar I hope you know what I mean.

Again... the blur kicked in and my cousin and I talked about a lot of stuff. We stopped and grabbed a drink at a bar and just talked. Honestly.

He was shocked. At first he did not believe that I was being serious but when I started to cry my eyes out he was just in shock and didn't know how to react or what to do so he just listened to me.

While at the bar I showed him pictures of Reid. Talked about how we met. I didn't hold anything back and told him that we had started off as friends of friends, then fuck buddies and now a guy that I am absolutly in love with.

From there... the weekend went downhill... fast.

More on that later.

A Beautiful Story

2011-11-16T23:22:00.001-08:00

Do you read Salon? I don't. Today, a friend of the blog sent along this article where Salon editor Steve Kornacki comes out of the closet. If you haven't read it yet take a read and come back when you're done.

Yes... I just gave you homework. I'll wait...

I can remember days like Steve had... scared. Wanting more but constantly in denial. There was a switch that went off in my head one day when I was with Reid where I knew I wanted to be more than just a fuck buddy with him... but was too scared to tell him that too his face... he was the one who told me he was in love with me and I was relieved.

Steve is not alone out there. I am one of millions of guys out there that has gone through something similar.

Since I told you guys about my new boyfriend things have been amazing. Reid and I took a gigantic step out amongst friends of mine currently not living in my city. I took him as my date to a wedding in Boston a few weeks ago.

I've almost known Reid for a full year and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could ever bring a guy around some of my best friends from growing up. My buddy - TJ - invited me to his wedding and I remember checking off yes for my +1 and I was nervous as fuck. I called him and the conversation was predictable but I had this long nightmare built up in my head.

(paraphrased)

Me: Hey Teeej can I talk to you about something?

TJ: What up? Who's your +1 for the wedding? Bet she's hot...

(pause)

Me: Well... it's my boyfriend Reid...

TJ: Are you fucking with me?

My heart sank when he said that. I went on to explain how we met and how long he had been together and what he meant to me. TJ is a guy that I have known since middle school. Calling each other gay, cock suckers and every other slur in the book has always been a part of who we are.

Paraphrased

TJ: Holy shit! I didn't know you were serious I shouldn't have said that... I love you bro.

Coming out to friends has been easier than with family. Coming out to my family is looming over my head. I have the same fears as every one else does. Friends it seems like something different. This heart to heart with TJ was an hour on the phone. That's an eternity when it comes to guys talking on the phone. I broke down and cried a little bit with him... which he told me to stop being a little bitch... jokingly. The real reason I wanted to ask him is because I did not want to create a scene... something bigger than the wedding. Sure it would be nice to ease into it by introducing Reid at a bar or social event.

TJ's parents picked up and left my home town for Arizona after high school. He currently lives in Boston with his now wife where she is from. I was worried about bringing a dude to his wedding before telling my parents... but this was something I wanted to do and think I needed to do before telling my parents. Every one is different.

The weekend was fantastic. I had some comp days that I had to use in 2011 so I decided to make a trip to NYC before heading to Boston. I was lucky enough to stay with friends and even met up with my friend JP. Reid met me in NYC for a night out. It was his first time in the city and wanted to have a huge night out.

The rest of the wedding was a blur. 3 of my buddies from high school reached out to me. TJ spilled the beans and they wrote me incredible e-mails to me as friends. My entire life I have been worried about what my friends would think. That they would be disgusted with me and never want to hang out with me ever again. Like I would have AIDS and cooties at the same time.

These guys were my high school jock buddies. Fucking the prom queen... extremely masculine. I wasn't too thrilled with TJ telling these guys and not letting me do it on my own terms. Regardless the wedding was amazing.

I decided that Thanksgiving is going to be my time to come out of the closet to my parents. Not at dinner but during the weekend. I fucking nervous as hell and let's hope that this goes well.

Relationships take work

2011-09-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

The day after I told my buddy Steve that I had a boyfriend I had a very wide range of emotions. Confusion, pride, happiness and I was scared. I texted Reid to thank him for the beer and to tell him how awesome he was.

He asked me to come over to his place that night after work to just hang out. Something was different. Reid had made some pasta, salad and meatballs for us to eat and watch TV.

There was a time while I was in college where I wrote down in a journal what I wanted in a boyfriend. Well, I had written it as "girlfriend" as a just in case someone found it. I wanted someone I could cuddle on a couch with and watch a ball game. I wanted someone who would let me go out with my friends and not feel jealous.

That night I thought about that journal entry and what I had in Reid. Over the summer our relationship has got stronger.

The next hurdle is going to be my family. I am terrified of how they will take their macho baseball player son as having a girlfriend. Part of me doesn't care because I love Reid so much and know that my parents will be loving and accepting of who I really am no matter what. There is still that terror in the pit of my stomach that comes in shockwaves when I lay awake at night thinking about telling them.

Something I do know is that before Christmas I will be coming out to my parents.

Over the last few weeks, with extra time on my hands, I've spent a lot of time online and on the road. Which has meant time away from my man and more time to kill in hotel rooms.

I caught up with a bunch of e-mail and started talking with two separate people who live in New York City. One is a varsity athlete at a NYC college. The other is an investment banker in his mid-20's trying to come to terms with liking guys, being gay and is terrified of having his friends find out that he likes dudes.

I was once in both of their shoes.To me, it's crazy to think about how much I have changed in the last year. I've found myself. I'm comfortable with who I am and not afraid to be who I am when I am around old college buddies or new people I meet.

I know a lot of you come here to the blog for my sexy stories and possibly the pictures I post. I have one that I have been working on from my pre-Reid days which I will post soon. Just wanted to share with you guys that the summer has been fantastic and that the fall is going to be even better.

"This is my boyfriend Reid"

2011-06-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

I uttered those words for the first time to a friend of mine last week. That night, while home alone I sobbed in bed. Part of me was scared to death of what was going to happen after I made that introduction. Part of me was crying to be so happily in love with someone and finally being able to tell someone about it.

A few months ago I told you about Reid, how we met and more recently about how we were just fuck buds. Something happened.

Most gay guys are seeking perfection in a boyfriend. Some just want a hole to fuck and don't mind jumping from guy to guy. A little after I wrote that blog post about how Reid and I were just fuck buddies he wanted to go and grab dinner.

After I got out of work I drove out to his place, picked him up and we went to this place about 30 minutes away. We sat at a table near the bar mostly to watch a game that was on TV. After usual bullshit small talk he looked at me and fell silent.

"I think I'm in love with you." he said.

I didn't know how to respond. I knew that I really liked him. I knew that I enjoyed having sex with him. I knew that I liked being around him any chance I could. I was silent.

Our food came right after he uttered those words. You could cut the tension with the steak knife I had in front of me. Not to let the moment linger I told him that I really liked him too and didn't know how to respond right now to the L-Bomb.

After that I felt like every set of eyes in the place were judging me.

I told him that i wanted to talk to him but did not want to talk about it at the table. We finished up and headed outside to take a walk in a nearby park. It was getting close to dusk and ironically we stopped and sat on a set of bleachers and an empty baseball diamond. I apologized to him about not wanting to talk about "us" at the place and for my reaction to him dropping the L-bomb.

I looked into Reid's eyes and he just unloaded everything that he has wanted to say to me over the last few months. He never wanted to define anything between us because he was scared of how I would react. With our late night meetings and being covert about everything that we were doing he thought that's all I wanted. In the beginning he was fine with it because he thought I was hot and didn't want to ruin what we had.

My emotions got the best of me and everything played out like a movie. He kept talking and I moved up a row to sit directly next to him as he kept talking. At one point he stopped and looked me dead in the eyes. I leaned in and kissed him. In front of an empty baseball field I kissed my new boyfriend and felt those fireworks that everyone talks about when talking about falling in love.

I've had butterflies before and been in lust with a few guys before. This was different.

What started as being fuck buddies has turned into something more. It's turned into something that I could never have even dreamed of.

Yes, I am gushing and it's sort of obnoxious. I hate when friends of mine on Facebook do this.

This takes me to last week when a buddy of mine from college was in town and wanted to grab drinks. Steve is one of the coolest guys you will ever meet. He was a crazy guy when we were in school and in my opinion as liberal as you can get being from South Carolina.

We met at a bar downtown and when I saw Steve he gave me a huge bear hug as only Steve could do. Maybe it's because I had been out with a few gay friends the night before and introduced Reid as my boyfriend. Maybe I subconsciously needed to get it out. I have no idea why I blurted those words out loud to Steve.

It took him a few seconds to process what I had said. He reached out and gave him a big bear hug as well. The rest of the night was like hanging out with Steve back in the day.

At the end of the night as we were leaving Steve pulled me aside and asked me if I was fucking with him and joking around about Reid being a boyfriend. I said no, that we had just started dating after knowing each other for a while and that it felt right and that I was happy.

Being the epic bro that he is Steve said this to me, "Listen, you know me and I'm not that kind of guy that's going to go around and tell people 'guess who loves the cock...' I'm happy for you and want you to know that you are one of my best friends no matter what. I don't know if you want me broadcasting it to the world so I'll let you tell people on your own terms."

I told Reid this when he dropped me off at home. He wanted to stay but I asked him to give me some time alone which he was totally cool with. I wish he had stayed so he could have held me while I sobbed.

The next morning I had a six pack of my favorite summer ale sitting on my doorstep with a card from Reid saying "I'm proud of you"

If things continue to develop the way they are this I think that my parents may be the next to know. I feel like nothing in this world can stop me right now.

Ok.. we are back...

2011-05-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

Ok.. apparently Google took my blog down for a little while. No need to fear... I am still here.

It was apparently removed because I post naked pictures on my blog and talk about "adult themes"but had not listed it as an "Adult themed site"

In other words... I need to list my site as an "Adult" site because I have posted pictures of naked men and someone was offended and reported the site as porn.

I fixed the problem and I seem to be back up and running now.

I'd like to post more "hardcore" pictures but... there are people that like to use Google reader at work and that would totally not make it by a sensor. So I don't know what I am going to do now.

Self reflection about the blog but lot's going on in my life.

I'm still here. Keep reading.

Reid

2011-05-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

So a lot of you guys wanna know about Reid and want to know about my sex life. One of the NUMBER 1 questions was if we are still "together"...

Well... I guess you could say that's complicated.

Reid and I are still fucking. I guess the best way we can describe each other is as fuck buds. I am ok with that.

I can never sleep next to someone when I'm sober. It's weird for me. On the road I was fine because it wasn't anything sexual with the guys. When I have someone stay in my bed I usually can only sleep about an hour or so and then WHAM I wake up, realize that someone is next too me and then I can possibly fall back asleep.

I usually have a boner when that happens.

Our sex life consists mostly of late night texting, sexting and meeting at my apartment to fuck at some point after midnight. It's loose. It's fun. It's exactly what I need right now.

Summer is here and I have a little more free time than usual. Now that I do have the time maybe I'll start thinking about treating this thing what ever it is right now more like a relationship.

Sure, I'd love to have a boyfriend but honestly I don't think I'm ready and love that I don't have to define what we have right now.

Not too long ago, I met up with Reid at a party he was at. Since we became friends through friends who now all hang out together at bars it's not uncommon for us to hang out at a party. I say that, because, what we have is pretty awesome. He's a guy that I connect with on so many levels. Sexually and personally. We have an attraction that is oddly kept at bay. When we do have a moment alone it's tender yet animalistic.

This party was at full swing. A friend of friends was having a kegger to celebrate graduating from law school and having one last hurrah before heading off to the wonderful world of corporate law. It was honestly like college again. We had dinner at a college bar, pregammed, and headed over.

We were waiting in line for the bathroom and when it opened up we were the only two in line. I waited till it was all clear and joined him in the bathroom. Locked the door and started grabbing each other. He pulled my tshirt up and started biting my nipples... then licking them softly. We made out for another few seconds and realized we couldn't spend that much time together.

I pissed all the while he was rubbing my back and saying what he wanted to do to me that night.

We went back to the party like nothing happened.

I got drunk and knew he would be over later. I asked Reid to send me a text when he got close by. As soon as I got it I stripped down and waited to hear him walk up to the door. I opened the door and thre him against the hallway wall and kissed him. He threw me back into the apartment and slammed the door.

What followed was a night I will never forget. I haven't been with a guy in a very long time where I felt very comfortable to have sex with. Now by have sex with I mean have him fuck me.

Up until now I had been the top. That night, wether it was liquid courage to bottom for him or it was my pure lust and complete trust and comfortable level with him I really don't know. I think I am trying to figure that out right now.

What I do know is that I am living in the moment and I have been incredibly happy.

Guys have been asking what he looks like and the best way I can describe him is this... He looks a lot like Max from FratPad.

I'll leave you with some hot pics for now. Some more stories coming soon.

Ask Slugger

2011-05-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

Ed Asks:

i have one question for you - did you ever get called up to play in the majors?

My career had up's and downs. While I was never an everyday Major League player I did get called up to play in the majors several times in my career.

Rambling...

2011-05-01T07:29:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in the last few months.

A soccer player in Europe, Anton Hysén, came out of the closet. When I first read about it on Outsports I was surprised.

He is the equivalent of a minor league baseball player coming out of the closet in the European soccer system.

I think the guy has some balls on him. Anton felt as though he could be openly gay in the locker room and in the public eye and not have it affect his paycheck.

Everyone's different. Time's are different. I have a handful of friends that know I'm gay No one in my family know's and I'm ok with that right now. I received several e-mails after this happened asking me about my thoughts on it and if I would be revealing myself since there is now an openly gay soccer player.

The answer is still no. I wrote almost 2 years ago (fuck, 2 years?! Really?) how I would not be the gay trailblazer in baseball. I didn't want the attention as a player. Now, that I am not playing but still in the professional baseball world I don't want my sexuality to be a topic of conversation behind my back or prevent me from a raise or promotion.

Am I being paranoid in a world that is becoming more open and accepting to gay's... perhaps. It's just my comfort level right now.

Other Shit
While I am not playing right now I am still involved in baseball. My new career path (post injury) has me traveling the U.S. which is pretty awesome. I still get to hang in the clubhouse, take batting practice every so often and I get to interact with some incredibly hot and good looking baseball players.

Now you would think that I would be catching a guys eye, shooting him a wink and then plowing him in the locker room after every one has gone home only to have the hot coach walk in and both teach us a lesson.

It couldn't be farther from the truth. When I'm in that environment I try and take some mental pictures for myself to use later on when I'm home.

Who I've been fucking

Right before Christmas I met this guy while out with friends. It was kind of in passing through random friends of mine from college. We exchanged phone numbers and started texting each other. We talked about the end of football season, college basketball and our hatred for Kobe Bryant.

On New Years Eve, Reid shot me a text asking what I was up too. I had been out with friends and made my way back to my place and was cruising Adam4Adam for a New Years hook up. I told him he should come over for some beers. He was at my place about 20 minutes later.

Our texts had been really flirty over the last few weeks. Talking about how sexually frustrating the holidays are with being around family and a terrible winter. We sat on the couch and just started talking with the TV playing in the background.

I was so nervous with him in front of me. I just wanted to jump on top of him, rip his clothes off and go to town on him. Then it happened.

He casually touched my knee while talking to me. A few minutes later while I did the same but a little bit higher on his thigh.

He stopped mid-sentence and smiled at me.

It's that moment where you don't know which way the situation is going to go. Well, I decided to take the initiative and lean in. I thought it was going to be some slow-motion make out where we take our time or have him yell, "I AINT NO FAGGOT!". He grabbed the back of my head and pulled me in for a long kiss.

There are times when I am hooking up with a guy where I don't want to kiss and I just wanna get my dick out, fuck and be done with it. Reid and I just made out for what seemed like hours. Grinding on each other, licking my neck grabbing me all over my body.

I could feel his raging hard on in his pants.

We ended up in my bedroom ripping our clothes off. We didn't take our time and hang out in our boxer briefs... we just got completely naked and kept going at it.

He stopped kissing me, leaned in and said... "I want you to dominate me."

That night we fucked for hours. The sun started to come up as I blasted my load on his chest.

It was a fantastic night and a fantastic next afternoon when I woke up next to him. I have plenty more stories to tell you about Reid.

Let me know if you like the detail in the story. I can get dirtier and give you guys some more details in my next post.

Writing a Book

2010-12-09T23:56:00.000-08:00

Something that sticks out to me is the amount of people who write in to say that they sit down and read the entire blog in one sitting. I have had this thing for years but in reality I haven't really written that much.

I received and e-mail about a year ago from a book editor looking to meet me and talk about a possible book deal. I had been approached before a long time ago asking for me to write a daily diary in hopes that it will be published one day.

I was skeptical of meeting this publisher/editor and kept everything via e-mail. He gave me his phone number just in case I wanted to give him a call or stop by his office to chat.

I've kept an in-depth diary that I don't keep under my pillow. It's actually in my safe next to my birth certificate and passport in case any of you break into my apartment. A friend of mine who really knows me wanted to write a screenplay about part of my life a few years ago. I freaked out on him for obvious reasons and barely talked to him for a year. Everything is fine now and I told him to write something and let me read it.

I don't know if this is something i wanna do but if it is I want to go all out and not do it half ass.

Ask Slugger

2010-10-07T19:18:00.000-07:00

Most of you hate when I take long breaks from the blog. One of the common emails I get from you guys is that you discover my blog and read it all in one sitting.

When I get down on myself about stupid bullshit usually log in to this e-mail address and see who has written in. When I see that a guy reads about my life it helped out and made them feel more normal it makes me happy. Sure it strokes my ego a little bit but at least something is getting stroked.

You guys have sent in some interesting questions which I thought I would answer for you.

To the mailbag! (I feel like Bill Simmons)

Have you seen the Duke Fuck List? Did you keep your own fuck list while in college?

For those who have not heard about the Duke Fuck List check out Deadspin. In short; a girl at Duke had sex with a bunch of Athletes at the school including some Baseball players. She ranked them on cock size and how they were in bed.

A buddy of mine that went to Duke sent this to me last week and I gotta say that when I read it I immediately got wood. I've done something similar here on my blog but with a major difference. None of you know the guys I have been sleeping with. I think that the project could have been done as a blog without the actual names of the guys and their pictures. I feel bad for the guys

Let's be honest though. The guy above is hot. I'm sure he's cocky and from reading about him he sounds like he does get a fair amount of tail. I'd fuck him.

Ed asks:

Do you wear a jock strap or compression shorts?

A lot of you want to know what kind of underwear I wear. It's one of the most popular e-mails I get from you guys. I answered that question 2 years ago.

To update you guys on the underwear situation... it's still the same.

Back

2010-09-20T19:14:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. I am back. Trying to figure out what to talk about besides my story below. Tell me what you want to know about. Email me.

It's Fall!

2010-09-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

Out of all the seasons Fall may be my favorite. Since Labor Day we have seen pennant races in baseball, the return of college football and the NFL and it's also back to school time.

I remember (and still kind of miss) going back to school. Even though it had only been a couple of months school seemed so new.

Don't get me wrong... I love summer. I had a great summer. I met a guy and dated over the summer.

It was my first dating experience while somewhat out of the closet in my new environment. Most gay guys are on ~~hookup~~ dating websites and I am the same. I decided to join a certain one and see what kind of guys were in the area. That's when I met Ben. In my profile I mentioned that I am into sports and am looking for another masculine guy who is also into sports. Ben responded.

We met up that night at a sports bar. I wasn't looking for just sex... I was looking for someone who was more than a hookup. When we met I found out that he was a senior in college and had just come out of the closet. In his pics he looked pretty masculine but in person he acted a little too feminine for what I was used too.

We still had beers and talked about college basketball, which he was a big fan of. He also liked the WNBA. Not that there is anything wrong with that but I mean come on... WNBA. I promised myself that I would be more open to guys that aren't exactly the quarterback next door who loves playing fantasy football.

We walked to our cars at the end of the night and he asked if I wanted to come back to his apartment. I did.

We were going to watch some TV but he had other plans and as soon as we sat on the couch he made his move and went right in for a kiss. It had been a little while since I had actually hooked up with a guy and it felt good to get back into it.

As we were making out I asserted myself and took control of the night. I started to feel up his body and felt a body that had been toned over the summer. He has a swimmer build with a little bit of meat on his bones. He is not skinny but he is athletic but not the built athletic jock guys that I am usually attracted to.

He went for my pants and took my cock out and gave me one of the best blow jobs I have had in a long time. I went home that night and thought about everything that happened that night and realized that this guy was pretty cool and not exactly what I wanted in a guy but we clicked in the bedroom.

For the rest of the summer we hooked up on and off. Mostly late night hookups after the bar. I last saw him before labor day. He took off for a semester in New York.

Just like me

2010-03-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of days I have had some awesome e-mails from guys. Through this blog I have learned that I am not alone. Not alone in the fact that there are guys out there who have gone through the same stuff as me.

In the years that I have been keeping this I'm amazed at how many people have such similar stories and experiences as I do.

A lot of people want to know what I have been up to. Well here is a little update on my life.

I am still in the world of professional baseball. I am still living in the USA.

I have adjusted to living in my new city and have a really awesome gay friend. I decided that with my new start I was going to come out of the closet a little bit.

I talked with a few bloggers that I keep in touch with; along with a few other ballers I have connected with over time and decided that my identity will be kept secret. It's better that way for right now.

Back to my life... I have a gay friend that I met at a gay bar. Not exactly a guy that I would want to fuck but a guy that I really got a long with. He has introduced me to a few guys in the area and I have a small network of gay friends that are pretty awesome.

I keep my work life separate and so far it's been great.

We'll see how it goes. Right now I am loving life and have been really busy. Sorry to those who I have yet to respond too. I promise that I will get back to you.

Revolution

2009-12-10T21:59:00.000-08:00

Back in 2005 I thought it would be cool to vent and talk about my frustrations, thoughts, feelings and a slice of my life.

It's almost 2010 and my life has been all over the country. I've had an amazing time living my life and I am on to another facet of that life.

I never thought that a blog like this would start so much. I had a blogger (who asked to remain namless) say in an e-mail that he thinks that I am the catalyst of a lot of the gay blogspots out there. Talking about being gay, dating and showing some hot eye candy in the process.

I feel as though it's only natural for someone to express their feelings about being lonely, falling in love and dealing with a breakup. Some people journal for hours on end and never share those feelings with anyone.

I decided to go this route.

Over the last two months I have got so much e-mail from readers saying that they loved reading my blog from start to finish. I decided to do so as well. Looked back and remembered all of my emotions and feelings from over the last (almost) 5 years.

My first post had 1 comment. My last one had 22 (plus or minus some spam)

I've shared a lot on this blog. I'm not saying goodbye.

A reader sent an e-mail saying that he had dated a guy who played in the CFL and Arena Football League. When he realized that his playing days were over a little part of him on the inside died. I felt that and continue to deal with it.

I'm staying in baseball. In what capacity I am keeping private.

There has been much debate to who I am. People calling me a fraud. Others reaching out for help and advice when I am in no where near any authority to be giving advice. All I can do is relate to the stories that several guys have told me over the course of the years.

Some of you have guessed who I am. Some were really outlandish. Some were of guys that I actually know of in the minor league system. One guy wrote me a love letter using very personal details of an affair he had with a player from a certain team. Those guesses and letters will never be revealed. There are 2 or 3 people who read this who actually know who I am. I like being anonymous.

I was asked by a friend about the blog and if I was going to keep doing it. I am going to keep it up and let you know everything that is going on in my life... to a point.

Wow this post got emotional. I'll write you guys an update on life in a few days but wanted to let you guys know that I am thankful and appreciate everyone the reads and reaches out.

Thanks!

2009-11-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank everyone who has sent an e-mail or left a comment on my last entry. It really means a lot to me.

A very big thank you to Jim over at Outsports for linking to me. I started this as a way to vent and tell my story. It's turned into something I never thought possible.

To those who have sent e-mails please know that I will be getting back to you soon. I have had a crazy few weeks. I have a lot of time to think about where I want my career to go. My mind is all over the fucking place.

Watching the World Series has made me want to play so bad.

For now... enjoy some eye candy from pics sent in from guys.

Life change

2009-09-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't signed into my e-mail much since my last post. Sorry to the guys that sent me e-mails. I have been trying to respond to you guys.

I have had a rough few weeks. Without saying too much I think my playing days are over. It's a lot to handle for someone who has played this game for such a long time.

While I was going through this Brett Favre was getting ready to come back for another season in the NFL.

While my situation is not on the level of being a hall of fame player I know what it's like to hear that it's past your time.

I have been a great ball player. Most guys would give their left nut to be able to say they played at the major league level. I have played in the bigs and spent plenty of time on farm teams. Looking back at what I have done, I can say that I achieved my goal of being a professional baseball player.

I am very proud.

For those who have been following the blog... in 2006 I was injured and nursed myself back into playing and have built up a great track record since then. Well, the last half of my season has been spent nursing pretty much the same injury and I have been told that it's pretty doubtful that I will be able to play on a high level and stay competitive.

It's heartbreaking. It really is.

My life is not over though. I have an opportunity to keep my life on track and still belong in the game. Nothing is set in stone yet. What I do know is that I have some time to think about it.

I can't go into a lot of specifics but right now I am taking everything as they come to me and have a big choice to make very soon.

Oh Summer

2009-08-18T00:11:00.000-07:00

Summer time is amazing. What makes it so great for me is that I usually get a lot of pictures sent to me by you guys the readers.

You guys never let me down with the hottness you find.

I'm not fucking a porn star

2009-07-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

Well that was fun. A quick post before I have to bounce outa here for a few days. I did not and did not plan to take this porn star up on his offer of sex in Southern California. It would be career suicide for me Who knows if he has a camera set up somewhere in that hotel room.

He could be a guy just looking to out a baseball player. Thank you all for the comments.

Fact of the matter is, when he asked me to meet up and fuck the idea was appealing. Here is a guy who was straight as could be... with a girlfriend... who got wrangled into doing porn for extra cash and found his bisexual side he wanted to explore.

As much fun as it would be to fuck a porn star I wouldn't risk what I have going on right now. Read into it any way you want. I have a lot going for me right now and I am loving it.

If this guy had come to me a few days after my heart was broken, you bet your ass I would have been stupid enough to fall for this guy and go spend a weekend fucking him. As TMZ waits for me at the hotel to try and catch me banging a gay porn star.

At the end of the day, I am happy that you guys (my readers) responded the way you did. I got a lot of e-mail from you guys asking me if I was crazy and actually thinking of going through with it.

Truth of the matter is; when I get an e-mail from someone who says something like; "Well if you are ever in the INSERT CITY HERE area let me know I'd love to buy you a beer." Just so you know; I won't be taking you up on the beer.

The Porn Star and All Star

2009-07-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

Happy All Star Break! This is a great time of year. Not only do ball players get a few days off to relax, go see family and recharge... lucky few get to go play in All Star games.

Now, most of you know about the MLB All Star Game. There is also a Futures game that features some of the up-and-coming all stars in the minor leagues.

One of the perks of making an all star roster is that everything is paid for. You have obligations to go and do press and fan events but for the most part you get paid to hang out with family and friends.

I won't exactly tell you guys what I will be doing for my all star break but I thought I would tell a story that has been brewing the last few months.

A few months ago I was contacted by a porn star. He is a reader of this blog. He e-mailed me to tell me how much he loved the blog. It started off as just an e-mail. As we got to chatting I found out that he is an amateur porn star.

He started off with a few "solo" films and gradually moved into being a top on camera. The way he described it brought me back to my first time. How nervous you are but the rush and thrill of it.

At the time he had a girlfriend and was looking to make some extra cash on the side. The more he did videos and more he was with a guy the more he loved it.

This made him nervous that he was becoming gay and stopped doing porn for a while but found himself looking at gay porn when he wasn't with his girlfriend. That's when he found my blog. Looking for pics.

He dumped his girlfriend and decided to try and date a guy. He started dating another pornstar but found himself jealous when he was with other guys on and off screen.

He e-mailed me to tell me his story. We got to chatting and the guy is really cool. He was an athlete growing up all the way through college. Once he graduated he became a personal trainer and was "discovered" via his Myspace page.

As we kept chatting I found myself drawn to him. He would talk about college and all of that.

Then he offered me a trip to Southern California to "hang out with him" I politely said no. He said we could have some fun.

He is willing to pay for the trip and the thought of banging a porn star for 3 days is enticing. Thoughts?

Porn on the Road

2009-06-25T01:23:00.000-07:00

One of the best things for me on the road is porn. It's pretty much fact that every guy jerks off. I know guys that have girlfriends and wives and they still jerk off. They are guaranteed a fuck or blow job everyday... yet still jerk off.

The guy I currently share a room with on the road and I talked about jerking off at the beginning of the season. At the time, I had a boyfriend... but told him it was a girlfriend back in New York. Just like my freshman year of college we set some ground rules.

No matter where we were, we would always order pizza to the room. If one of us were fucking we would leave the pizza box outside the door. We would try and give the guy a time frame but sometimes he would take longer than expected.

Most pizza deliveries come with menus. If one of us were gunna jerk off to porn we would leave the menu in front of the door.

Well, guys on the team caught on... that led to banging on doors and all of that.

Now, I am guessing that you guys want to hear that this led to he and I jerking off in our jock straps every night on the road.... well... it doesn't happen that way with he and I.

I have woken up at night and saw the bathroom light on and just assumed he was either taking a dump or jerkin it.

The next morning I asked him point blank. He fessed up to jerkin off. When he would disappear with his laptop, I knew he was going to bust a load. He has a pretty amazing body but I really don't think of him like that.

There is one guy that i wanna talk about that is my crush of the season who is NOT on my team.

I would also like to thank the site guys with IPhones for helping me jerk off at night.

If any of these guys are you... I want to bust my load all over you.

Why it's not me

2009-06-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

The last post about my slump buster, I had someone leave an article from a sports writer who is trying to get a MLB player to come out of the closet and become a spokesman for gay athletes. Here are my thoughts.

I did read it.
I am not a potential trailblazer
I am not the gay Jackie Robinson.

This dilemma has plagued my soul: Do I come out? Do I continue to hide?

This blog has been my release so to speak. When I first entered the minor league system I had endured 4 years of high school and 4 years of college where almost everyday I heard the word faggot being thrown around like the word "the"

It comes so freely and it scares the shit out of me.

I don't know who you are Jeff Pearlman. I don't even want to try and google you. Right now, as a gay-closeted MiLB player I do not want to come out. There are so many reasons why I won't come out and say who I am.

First, I have a feeling that my team would void my contract and then it's pretty much over for my career in baseball. I dream of being an everyday player at a Major league club. The fact that I sleep with men instead of women would end my career. In today's environment I want to make sure I can make the most money for my talent.

If I were an ARod and I were to come out that would be big news. SportsCenter wall-to-wall. If a utility player on the Royals were to come out I think it would be big news for a few days and then the player would quietly be sent down to the minors. The club would also try and let him out of his contract.

Those are the thoughts that go through my head when I think about coming out.

Stepping up to the plate and hearing "You're - a - faggot. clap clap clap clap clap" echo throughout every stadium I show up to. Its really tough to try and think of enduring that.

Do I think that one day it will happen? Yes. Am I going to be the one who comes out. Right now the answer is no.

You can read entries on this blog where I have hidden who I am from my teammates because I fear this.

It would start with talking to my agent about if this is the right move for me to take. I don't think any player out there would have their agent tell him "Yeah. Go For it!"

I respect what you want but I don't think that there is an easy way of doing this.

There have been plenty of gay players playing ball who have come out after the fact. A few years ago hen I got hurt I decided to get an MBA so once my time playing ball was over I had some kind of advanced degree to fall back on.

Right now. Where I am with myself and where I see the business of baseball, you will not see a gay player come out publicly.

The Slump Buster

2009-06-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get over the ex for a few weeks. It's hilarious that a commenter said that I needed a Slump Buster fuck.

When a guy posted that in the comments I laughed my ass off and then jumped into protective mode. Did he know who I am?

The obvious answer is no. But whoever you are Randy, you are obviously a baller.

In college, as I had said in an earlier post, a slump buster was brought into effect when a guy on the team was just playing like garbage. There were a number of girls who would hang at the "baseball house" that just wanted to fuck.

This story is not about that bitch but about my slump buster fuck that happened in the not so distant past.

I was sitting at my apartment. Distraught, sipping on a Miller Light just thinking of the ex and how he could go out a fuck another dude. Many guys here have said to put myself in his shoes and look at myself. With that I knew I needed to get out of this funk.

I decided to log into AIM and see what if anyone was online that I knew in the area. No one. I decided to check out Adam 4 Adam and Craigslist. I have always felt so dirty posting an ad on Criagslist back before I was a taken man.

The site is easy enough to find a guy to just fuck, no strings attached.

I wrote the text to my ad to make sure I had all the right keywords that guys look for. "Masc Straight Bi Top" Preppy Frat Boy. Ect...

I posted my ad and waited nervously. I got some great responses back from people but one caught my eye. He wasn't waht I would normally look for in a guy.

He was skinny but toned. Blonde hair and blue eyes and about 5'10" according to his email.

We chatted on AIM for a half hour talking about what we were looking to get into and he told me that he was new to the city and looking for guys to get to know. To me it sounded like he was looking for friends and a boyfriend. I made it clear that I was looking for a one time thing.

We agreed to meet up for a beer and take it from there.

When he walked in he was better than I expected. He had filled out from his pics he had sent me. We talked about life. I avoided talking about my "job" in finance. Luckily he had just graduated law school and was looking for work in the city closest to me. He is smart and a pretty cool guy. He then bluntly asked when we were going back to his place.

I drove back to his place. A 1 bedroom apartment that was very nicely decorated. He had pictures of him and his friends from college and law school partying on the walls. I really didn't get to look around much because he made the move first. He kissed me.

That led to an intense 20 minute make out session where our clothes kept getting thrown off followed by intense kissing.

I got him down to his boxers and he was hard as a rock and already leaking precum.

From there I pretty much got caught up in the moment. There was foreplay but then he wanted me to just fuck him.

For a cool guy that I would never pick out as gay in a straight bar, he took my cock like a champ.

This went on for about 2 hours or so. Off and on. Stopping to get some water make out and just relax before going for round 2. After round 2 he asked me to stay the night.

I told him that I did not want to stay the night. I hope he didn't take offense to that. It's hard looking for a one night thing with a guy. It's easy for me to pick and choose what kind of guy I want to bang. It's another trying not to be emotional about it and wanting more.

He has text me a few times in the last few days looking to fool around. I may do it again. I know what I am getting myself into and am setting myself up for something that I don't know I want to deal with.

I don't want a boyfriend. I just wanna have a good time.

As far as him being a slump buster, after we fucked I had one of the best games this year. The slump buster works. Especially when he is a hot blonde looking to fuck.

Double treat for you guys who scrolled all the way down. Some hot pix sent in from my readers just like you. Feel free to send some to me.

Thank You

2009-06-02T23:31:00.000-07:00

Wow. I never thought I could have this much support from guys here. 22 comments and thank you to each of you who left one.

I also got some e-mails from you guys. I really like that you guys left a note wishing me all the best.

I think Randy had the best comment.

Sorry it didnt work out. Sounded like you had best of both worlds for awhile. Take care. You need a slump buster fuck alright.

-Randy

Haha... a slump buster. I really do need a slump buster fuck.

In college I had a few of those. Mostly with over weight girls just looking to fuck. Those can be pretty funny when you recount the story the next morning in the locker room.

For the most part I have been playing, working out and using my frustration and anger in the weight room and working on my game. It's paying off and I am playing a lot better. Guys are asking me why I am so angry. Tell them that some dumb cunt from home fucked me over. Doesn't know what she is missing.

Randy- shoot me an email. Clubhousecloset at g mail

(I don't want spam)

Here is a link: very not safe for work of a hot guys dressing in a locker room. Should help get your day started. I haven't been sleeping much so I'm up and awake.

Break Up

2009-05-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time but I wanted to let you guys know that Ryan and I broke up a few weeks ago.

We have been living a part from each other for the last few months and it's been tough. There are two sides to every story and this is mine.

As I said, Ryan (not Joe... fuckers... sorry for the mental slip) and I have been living a part for the last few months. It was rough for both of us. More on me mentally because I realized that I really couldn't always be me. There was me when I was with Ryan and 'baseball me'. That really started to get to him.

In March I hadn't seen him in a while and I went to see him. When I got to his place he was acting really weird. That was the first sign that I knew something was wrong. His phone calls had been brief and he just wasn't the same.

Later on that night I asked him if he had been messing around with someone else. He said no and immediately got up to go to the bathroom. When he came back he told me that he hated not seeing me. He had been out one night and met a guy. They hit it off and ended up sleeping with each other.

I'm furious at this point because I have been faithful to him. I really wanted the night to just end. I know couples go through this every day but I never thought it would be me.

That night turned into another and into another. He didn't know how to tell me because he liked me as well but "needed the physical attention"

I tried to take the pain and frustration and anger out on the field but that failed miserably. I went into one of the worst slumps I have ever had.

I'm not exactly over it. It has taken me a while to post this blog post because of how crazy, bat shit in love I was with this guy. I'm single and for now I am keeping it that way.

Who knows what is next down the road... I am looking forward to a rebound fuck in the next week or so. I am on the road so I am sure it will be a good one.

Wow

2009-03-10T00:48:00.000-07:00

I get a lot of shit for a mental slip.

I'm pretty tired right now and people are really fast to jump on me because I made a mistake with the pseudonym I gave my boyfriend.

I did mean Ryan and not Joe. You guys really pay attention to detail here.

Gabrielle Angel I really want to know how you KNOW who I am... or so you say.

Steevo - I am not 45. I am in the closet and I am a baseball player.

Anonymous' - Thanks for catching the mistake.

Yah know... I haven't posted on here regularly because with everything I was going through and wanted to say... I posted on here. I now have a boyfriend that I bitch a lot too.

It's strange that something I never thought I would have has come out of nowhere and become something so awesome and intricate to my life.

To all the haters out there: Go Fuck yourself :-)

To my supporters: Thanks!

Back to Spring

2009-03-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Spring Training. Last Spring Training was a whirlwind for me. I was around a whole new bunch of guys. I had just fell hard for Joe and my game picked up and I got noticed by a lot of clubs.

That last part is important for me. Other clubs had noticed how well I had been playing and inquired about me. This caused my current club to freak out a little bit and lock me up into a deal that I liked. I'm developing and I like that.

Baseball is still a passion of mine. Joe is also still a passion of mine.

Yes... I am still dating Joe. It's crazy to me that we can still be so in tune with each other.

I am a pretty lucky guy. I was talking with a guy who has been down in the dumps recently. He's a really good looking guy.

He was getting pissed off at guys he meets and how they don't seem to want to date him. Now, I am possibly the worst person to talk to about relationships. I am a baseball player who has a boyfriend in the closet. I feel bad for this guy because I am pretty lucky.

I have this boyfriend who is just an amazing guy. He supports and loves me.

Sorry I can't be much help with the dating world, what I can answer are a bunch of questions that you guys may have. ASK SLUGGER. Hit me up fellas.

Merry Holidays!

2008-12-28T06:59:00.000-08:00

Merry Holidays to everyone! I have been blessed with so much to be grateful for this year. Ryan and I have been physically apart most of the holiday season but it's something we have got used to.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined having a boyfriend while playing ball. It's not all as happy as you may think it is. I still have to go through hoops to hide my true feelings for him while we are out with friends or he meets a guy on my team.

I have a feeling that this coming season will be a lot more trying for me. We won't be living close to each other, which will suck for any kind of physical contact. I want to make it work because I love the guy so much.

I hope all of you had an awesome holiday and the New Year is better than 2008!

Other Jocks

2008-11-17T17:40:00.000-08:00

I have got some great e-mails over the last few weeks from other athletes at various levels thanking me for posting again.

It's no big deal. Thanks for reading and listening to me. What makes this whole thing pretty cool is that I have had some great conversations with guys over the years. I am talking, as I write this out, with a guy who is a knuckleballer shooting shit.

Anyway... thought I would post some of the hot pictures you guys have been sending me. Don't forget to keep them coming.

Boredom

2008-11-03T18:23:00.000-08:00

Life without baseball is boring. Let's be serious folks. As you guys have seen, I was in a zone this past season and rarely came on here to vent or tell stories. I was incredibly focused. It was disgusting the routine I was in.

That is very important for an athlete. My routine was tight some days and light others. For the most part, I would work out in some form or another.

Ryan is also part of my routine and was there for me the entire season. We are definitely in a Bromance. Guys have asked me what our relationship is like and I really don't know how to describe it besides a Bromance with lots of sex.

I have had guys ask me if I was scared that a teammate would find porn or my blog on my computer... I am really not concerned with that because I am the only one who uses this laptop. I have a desktop out in my living room that I use to download music and do random shit on out there and only use my laptop for this kind of stuff.

With my free time I now have I have spent a lot more time with Ryan. We decided to have a "gay day"... his words, I swear. We decided to take an hour drive to a really nice mall and do some shopping and be ourselves where it was less likely we would run into someone we knew.

I was very relaxed with this and caught myself with my guard down. Nothing big, but had this over whelming "I don't give a fuck" moment where I wanted to go and make out with him in the middle of a Ruby Tuesdays or something... I also had this small fear that someone would see us trying on clothes and take my picture with a cell phone camera. You learn to live with it.

We did some clothes shopping and then headed to a movie. We had a bunch of stuff to choose from and he decided on High School Musical 3.

I was secretly happy that he decided on this movie because of my man crush on Zac Efron. If I were to ever meet him, I would want to bend him over and just fuck the shit outa him because of he's annoying. Muscular-twink annoying.

Anyway... we are watching the movie and there is a scene where Zac and the black dude head to the locker room for some reason and their replacements for the 4th installment are getting out of the shower.

There was a really built guy walking in the background and missed the premise of the scene but these two younger guys wanted to take over the lockers of Efron to show that they are the new leaders on the team. It's very high school. Zac says that they have to earn it, grab their clothes and run out of the locker room...

My heart started to pound because what happens for the next 2 minutes of the movie happened to me in real life, and it was in a Disney movie.

I have talked about what it was like back in high school and I remember telling a few guys, over e-mail, a story about hazing and what happened to me.

It was our first day in the locker room that we shared with the Varsity football team. As freshman, we had one small side of the locker room. From the start of our summer sessions we were told that we had to shower before we left the locker room to go home.

All of us were nervous 13, 14 year olds... we all started to shower and it got comfortable for everyone. One guy left the shower room and found that all of our towels had been taken. Turns our the seniors had decided to take them from us and we would have to run out to the middle of the gym to get them, during Vollyball practice. We grabbed our junk and made the run, like all the other freshman teams before us.

In the movie, these guys have towels on and Zac has their clothes. Still, it was weird watching it because I lived an entire scene years before it was filmed. I don't know if one of those guys I told the story to wrote it into the movie for me, but it was freaky.

I told Ryan the story at dinner that night and he was laughing. He has some fun hazing stories from being president of his fraternity and from high school too.

I am gearing up for a trip to NY in the next few weeks to see my family and hang out around Thanksgiving. I'll be away from Ryan for a while and it's making me sad thinking about it.

Fuck I am really into him.

End of Season

2008-10-27T17:40:00.001-07:00

Hey guys. Many of you have been concerned with my well being. Thank you for all the e-mails. I am doing great.

Bill wrote: Hey man, just wondered how your season went; PLEASE update us when you get a chance. Say, I was wondering if you could confirm or deny the rumor that I have always heard.....is the team captain usually the guy with the biggest cock on the team?

Honestly Bill... I have NEVER heard that and have never voted a "captain" by his cock size. It may be a fantasy of yours that you read on a message board, but it is not a part of my reality playing ball. Thanks for the question though.

Another B writes in, "Is this a legit website? I just recently retired as a professional athlete and was looking online today and ran across this blog. I know a few guys in the Major Leagues from doing physical therapy with them, and just meeting others along the way. I have never actually spoken with a gay professional athlete before and am curious to hear more about you and your site...why you're doing it and what kind of reaction you're getting. Personally, I wonder if you just get a lot of pro-athlete fantasy stalkers who just want to live vicariously through your story, or try and coerce you into meeting. I'm also surprised you don't have any additional fears of getting caught writing these blogs on your computer."

B. - Yes, this is a legit site. I do exsist. I have had many people question who I am and went through a hard time a few months ago with the site and a bunch of assholes, but know this, I am a real guy out there playing ball.

"I'm sorry you lost in the playoffs. Does that mean more time for blogging?! "

Anon- What playoffs are you talking about???

All right... more about life... I will have some more time to talk about life since I am now in the offseason. I sat down with a trainer at the beginning of my season and set some goals. Each of these goals I set, I attained this season.

Professionaly, it was an amazing season with UPS and DOWNS... but for the most part the ups made me smile.

I also had another reason to smile this season, Ryan. Yes, we are still going strong. Ryan and I have been together for a while now. I really thought I started to get sloppy during the season because I wanted him at every game. I knew that couldn't happen because I would be all kinds of distracted.

I think I have found an amazing balance between my life with my team, at my job and my life at home with Ryan.

I will get to more of that in the next post. I have a lot of shit going on in my head.

Wrestlers Jerkin Off

2008-08-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

According to Fleshbot, the two Nebraksa wrestlers named Paul Donahoe and Kenny Jordan are featured on gay porn site, Fratmen.tv as "Nash" and "Cal". Most blogs have picked up their nude pics and Fleshbot has their preview from Fratmen.

Some people are making a big deal out of this. Is it because these guys stripped down and made a few bucks over the summer? They have awesome bodies. Why shouldn't they be able to make a few bucks off of it?

I know it looks bad for the school and could hurt recruiting. Wrestlers always seem to do crazy shit. The wrestlers that I knew in high school and college always came off as bi to me. I would never make a move on them, because they were bigger and knew how to fuck someone up.

Anyway- I hope these guys can stay in school. I also hope they end up fucking eachother on some website somewhere because they are hot and need to share their hotness.

All Star Breaks

2008-07-20T09:50:00.001-07:00

Not only do you have the MLB All Star Break, there is also an All Star Game for AAA and AA teams. It's a chance to show off your stuff to other team scouts and have fun with the guys you know on other teams.

A common misconception is that you don't get to know other guys on other teams. I have a bunch of friends on other teams that I get to see when we play in their city and after the game a few of them show us a good time.

I had a very fun All Star Break. I really can't go much into detail but it was a lot of fun. I met some really cool guys that play ball and Ryan was with me. I really couldn't ask for anything more.

Ryan and I have been able to hang out a lot more and we are honestly best friends. I am scared that someone will catch on to us as we get closer but right now I don't want the panic attacks of thinking about it. I am enjoying my time with him.

Ask Slugger: Underwear and Jocks

2008-07-16T10:21:00.001-07:00

So... I have been getting a LOT of questions from you guys about what kind of underwear I wear on and off the field. I have talked about it on the blog but not in much detail so here we go.

Growing up I would always wear a jock with cup because I really didn't want my balls to be busted while playing any sport. Football and Baseball. Once I got up to the HS level and was playing American Legion started to wear compression shorts that had a cup built into it.

Since then I have gone away from wearing a jock strap and have worn these shorts for everything. They are comfortable, help protect my junk as well as my thighs and ass when I slide into 2nd base.

Off the field it varies. Depending on the day I will wear an assortment of undies.

Mostly I wear boxer briefs. Nothing designer, but Champion brand that have a soft waist band and form fit. They are so comfortable. Now that it's summer, when I go out I have been wearing these briefs under my jeans. It is so comfortable to wear while going out.

I hope some people in the past have not been upset when I get short with questions about underwear and what other guys on my team wear. I have had some guys ask repeatedly for me to SEND them pairs of my used underwear. Please don't do that... LOL

I hope this answers some questions about what I wear. Any others?

I love Crazy Christians

2008-06-26T08:40:00.001-07:00

Anonymous said...

you guys are sick...Justin is not gay so why lust after him...it is sick that IJ would even send these to you...Justin is a strong Christian with very high morals...we are very close friends and I can't believe you pervs are this sick!

So, if you scroll down a few posts you will see that I received pictures of Justin Gaston from International Jock. I posted his stats, which was in the e-mail... and thats about it. One of his personal friends wrote, anonymously, that I am a perv for posting his pictures here on the blog.

I never said that he was gay... it was more of an admiration of his talents... not only does he have a slammin body, he has enough talent to make it on to Nashville Star and compete for a prize. If you are going to live in the public eye and be on a reality show, you have to know tat pictures you took before you were on television will end up on the internet the next day.

Look at James from Big Brother and his gay porn past. I am not saying that Justin has done gay porn, was only using James as an example.

To this anonymous friend: You obviously googled "Justin Gaston gay" in order to find my blog, I am the third link there. Is there something that you may have been thinking in the back of your head? I never even wrote "I hope he is gay" or something like that in my post, just shared the beauty of his body.

I found some more pictures of him... so here you go, enjoy more of this beauty.

Fresno State!!!

2008-06-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

Congrats to Fresno State for winning the college world series!!

My buddies and I really got into it once Fresno State went on its run... We "adopted" them as our team to root for when the games were on and while watching last night we were going crazy!

Not to mention they have some pretty hot guys playing for them! Well, you can look at any team and just see the "All American" look to them.

So congrats to Fresno State! You guys were fucking awesome!

Ask Slugger

2008-06-16T23:53:00.000-07:00

Please send more of your questions to Ask Slugger. I will try to do my best an answer them on the blog.

Road Trips

2008-06-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

Heading out on the road isn't easy. There are stretches of time where you are away from home for a while. The most important thing for me is staying in a routine. You will often hear that from other athletes.

One thing that does suck is being away from Ryan for long stretches. It looks as if we may be spending a lot more time a part but I have a really good feeling that it will work itself out.

At least I know that if I head out on a road trip, I have hot readers always looking to meet up. While I am thankful for the invitation, it's probably not going to happen.

I do have some hot readers in Chicago. "Dear White Sox or Cubbies- Please trade for me to come to Chicago so I can make out with this guy who happens to live in Chicago. Thanks. All the best, Slugger"

Nashville Star: Justin Gaston

2008-06-15T21:06:00.001-07:00

So, I got a press release sent to me by by International Jock. Hot underwear and hot models. Well, apparently... one of their models is going to be on a reality show this summer to become the next "Nashville Star"

Justin Gaston, currently appearing on NBC’s Nashville Star country music competition, is also one of the most popular models appearing on the International Jock underwear and swimwear website. Justin, 19, is originally from Pineville, Louisiana and left home for Hollywood at age 17 to pursue a career in music, while supporting himself as a model. With his good looks and great voice, Justin is the ultimate teenage country heartthrob.

The Nashville Star winner will receive a Warner Bros. record deal, perform at the Summer Olympics in Beijing and get his or her own national tour. Billy Ray Cyrus hosts this year's competition, which is airing on a major broadcast network for the first time in its six season run.

Justin’s Modeling Stats:

Height: 6' 0" (183cm)

Waist: 31" (79cm)

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Brown

Suit: 40"

Suit Length: R

Inseam: 32"

He has a look that's pretty sexy. Not to mention a nice package. I would like to thank International Jock for sending me this release with pictures and to also let them know I wouldn't mind some underwear!

I Love Summer

2008-06-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

Just a reminder of how much I love summer and to keep your pictures coming!

I've been getting a steady stream of pictures sent to me and wanted to share them with you all. It's about time I gave back some of what is sent to me. I won't post anything you don't want me to post.

Support

2008-06-03T22:27:00.001-07:00

I love it when readers send me pictures.

"Apparently you like guys who look like this... A real one to, of some douche bags that I know..hah. :) From a female fan."

Niiiiiiiice... I have the ladies all over my blog. It's interesting... I have had a few ladies in the last month or so contact me about the blog and what it's like having dated women as a cover... also being a baseball player and trying to get set up... I swear to god that happened.

I have also had some great e-mails from readers about my relationship with Ryan which is going great. He has been very supportive of me and I think that he may be the guy I want to be with for the long haul. He is smart, funny, athletic and everything you could ever want in a partner. Although I can't reveal what sports teams he likes, we are ok on certain fronts.

Without giving too much away I wanted to let you know how my season is progressing... I have had some great games. I am hitting the ball very well and have improved my base running. That's always important for me at least and one of the areas I needed to improve on post rehab.

I don't wanna reveal any more than I have... :-)

Anyway... keep the emails and pictures coming. Here are some more camera phone pictures that have been sent to my e-mail. I will take webcam shots too!

Camera Phone Pix

2008-05-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

WOW! I didn't expect to get THAT much of a response from you guys. Thanks for all the comments the last few posts on my welcome back to blogging and all the great words about Ryan and I.

I also got a BUNCH of cell phone pictures sent to me from you guys. I am willing to bet that some of them are not you and mostly found around the net, but keep them coming!

Camera Phones

2008-05-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how far the camera phone has come. I remember being over in Europe before they were big here. In Europe they had SMS and Picture messaging long before phones here came with cameras. I remember when I got my first one I contemplated using it in the locker room and taking pictures of guys. I mean, who hasn't thought about it. I am sure many of you thought to yourself that.

I came across that picture above and it really turned me on. It's two buff guys, chillin in the locker room and hangin out. Maybe it was sent to a girl to get them all hot for after the game. maybe it was a dare, or sent to a guy on the team as a joke.

This guy I played summer ball with one year was notorious for picture messages. He would take pictures of almost anything and send them as a mass message to guys on the team. He had an unlimited plan and used it quite often. Let's call him Ian.

Ian was, well, he was a cocky ass mother fucker. He had the body and some skill to back it up as well. I think he only ate 3 solid meals a week that summer. The rest were shakes. He would take MASSIVE dumps and send us all a text of it. It was disgusting, but we got used to them and almost expected them to come at the most random times.

I'm sure all of you are wondering what Ian looks like. Well, his "bio" for his team lists him as 6'2" 205lbs. He's brown hair, grey eyes drove the ladies wild.

One night we are all out at a bar hangin out, taking in the local scene and he starts flirting with some chick who is there on vacation. She was good looking, there with friends from college and he starts sweet talking her. While she was up at the bar he talks about how he hasn't got laid in a while.

he has a girlfriend back home and to make himself feel better he shoots her a text message saying he misses her. They start a texting war back and forth of naughty nasty messages. Every time he would get something hot he would share it with the table.

He then got a picture of his college girlfriend's tits and another of her vagina saying, "Iwant you inside me."

That last message drove Ian crazy. He decided that he was going to try to fuck the girl he met at the bar because his girlfriend was getting him all horny. He goes to the bathroom to take a picture of himself for his gf and I don't know if he meant to do it (he deny's it) sends us a picture of himself half mast from the bathroom. Like a scene out of a movie we all check our phones a few seconds after each other and have the same reaction.

That night Ian did fuck that college chick. Most baseball players do that kinda thing while on the road. The next morning we had a team workout. Our manager at the time was a former player looking to move up the ranks coaching. As we are stretching we are telling stories from the night before and our manager asks Ian if he was able to get inside her last night.

We all stopped... starred at our coach and BUSTED out laughing. I ended up losing my phone after that season and WISH I still had some of the pictures I got from that summer saved.

Anyway, I saw that locker room picture and that brought some memories flooding back to me. If anyone had camera phone pictures they wish to share with me you can always send them to Clubhousecloset [at] gmail dot com

Enjoy some hot english rugby star Danny Cipriani. I know I am. He reminds me of Ryan a little bit.

PLAYBALL!

2008-05-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Most of you who read here know that I disappear from time to time. I have been busy with baseball and Ryan.

First, let's talk some ball.... ROD made a comment a while back saying, " Would love to know what team or even what league, or even what part of the county you play in. " Sorry bro... read back and see me flip out about people who constantly ask me about that.

The reason I don't share stats, positions and landmarks is because of how nervous I am about losing my job if I come out of the closet. I have been over it a bunch of times and won't get all fucking bitched up about it but bottom line, most of you may NEVER know who I am, unless I decide to call it quits and be "out" publicly.

Some people said they don't believe a word of what I write here. It's your opinion. Some dude called "crap_blog" knows what he is talking about. I have explained why here so check that out and then proceed.

For those who know baseball, I will tell you that I am playing at a high level and have made great strides with how I play my game. It's exciting because I never thought I would get back to where I am from when I was injured a few years ago.

Now for some big questions... Ryan.

Ryan has finished school and has moved out of his frat house and closer to where I play ball for a job. Yes, he was a frat all star. I have been hanging out with him and some buddies and it's been amazing.

When we go out in a big group of people we are best frineds. We have our fun drinkin beers, doing shots, making asses out of ourselves. When we get home and in the sheets, we are animals. Sex with Ryan is fucking amazing. He and I have a connection and will sometimes go for 2 hours without cumming and then we both cum at the same time and I got to tell you, they are some of the biggest loads I have ever had.

When he sleeps at my place he holds me and I feel so safe and comfortable with him. It's hard to go from that to a clubhouse that is filled with a bunch of bigots who use the word fag. I shouldn't stereotype all of them as bigots, but it's mostly a few big mouths.

I get a bunch of e-mails from guys asking if the guys I play with are hot. To answer you: Yes. I would say 95% of the guys I play with I find attractive. I have seen all of them naked and when I do I try to file it away in the back of my head. There are certain guys that drive me up a wall. They are ll exhibitionists that are always naked and have the bodies to back it up and not feel ashamed to be naked at all.

I hope to post some more for you guys soon. I want to udate more and welcome more of your e-mails.

So Far

2008-03-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

2008 is my year guys. I feel it right now. Spring Training has been constantly kicking my ass, but in a good way. I have been gaining some attention from local media and was even interviewed on a telecast about what I will bring to the team in 2008, among other stuff.

I think back to when I was hurt and training to get back to this point and I am very excited about the chance to make a roster spot. Right now, AAA ball is in my future but the manager knows my name and a few Veterans have played some pranks on me, which is a good sign.

Ryan has been sending me some raunchy text messages which make me smile during the day when I see them. This semester he is taking 2 classes and has a lot of time on his hands. I am pretty excited about seeing him because all of this jerking off alone in the shower blows.

Ask Slugger time...

"sounds like what you and ryan have is pretty awesome. as a closeted dude myself, i would really dig finding a situation like that. lol ryan have a brother? also not gonna lie: very curious about what you were referring to with jp, but i'm sure you'll reveal that in your own time."

Well, I kinda threw that out there without bringing it up to JP first. I was refering to JP being a guy that I have had sex with and since he hasn't told the story, I will.

JP and I met at a football camp in middle school. We were bunkmates. That sumer, I got to know JP and the guys from his town and for some reason was very drawn to JP. We would talk about sports, football, back home and were on the beginning stages of puberty.

Two weeks of sleep away camp and JP and I were like best friends. I had seen him naked since we all had to shower in the gang bang style of showers, plus around the bunk most guys were only wearing shorts because it was so hot and we had no A/C.

At the end of camp JP and I exchanged e-mail and phone numbers. About two weeks later he called and asked if I wanted to go camping up at his uncles house in vermont. My parents said it was ok.

His parents drove us up to the lake house in Vermont and we had an awesome time. It was there where JP and I shared a tent by the lake and did not have anyone around us. Without going into much detail J and I explored a lot about ourselves. His family has an amazing house on this huge lake and we went fishing, hiking, and even got to take a boat out by ourselves. We were bad ass.

That next summer, after football camp, I went up again and that is when we sealed the deal, so to speak.

JP and I have been close since camp. We both grew up in different states but always kept in touch somehow. When I started the blog, I sent him the link because I wanted to see what he thought. He has been a constant friend and someone I can lean on when I have problems and need to talk about "gay stuff"

We both have our own issues, but what's cool is that this guy who I explored with when I was younger knows a lot more about me than my close team mates, best college friends and even my siblings.

Keep the Ask Slugger questions coming.

My Situation

2008-03-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

Writing has become a crack for me. Last night I took it easy and was watching TV with a few buddies while chatting online. It was fun. I am what they call a Non Roster Invitee to one of the Major League clubs. For the most part, it's an audition to make a roster of the big league team. If not, I head back down into the farm system and keep working hard to get noticed and work my way up.

I'm working hard and so far have had some great feedback on my play. The guys I have met, that I have not met before are hot. In one of those nice e-mails, someone asked me how I am able to not get hard. That's easy... practice.

I think I have talked about it before... I have grown up in a locker room enviroment. The first time I had to shower in front of other guys we were all terrified. This was back in 8th grade while playing on a travel team. We were using a high school locker room to change and since we were not heading back to a hotel and heading home, I wanted to shower.

As the years go on you get to know the guys you shower with. They are your friends. Everyone takes a peek. For those who have played sports in high school, college and professionaly there is always a different comfort level in there. Almost always there is the guy with the big dick, who hows it off, guys laugh the way he can spin it around like a propeller. The hairy guy that looks like he is wearing a hair suit. Ect, Ect.

That post last night felt good to get off my chest. None of you know me. There is one person that reads the blog that knows me. I have met some awesome guys to chat with, swap stories with and some I have even had cyber crushes on. No big deal. The assholes got to me. I hope I don't have to blow up again.

A lot of you like the pictures that I post on the site. The pictures I post are sent to me by guys like you reading or I am able to find them when I have the time to look, while I am alone. I try not to download them because I obviously don't need gay porn to be found on my laptop.

So last night, someone IMed me and asked me about the Wrestlers i had posted a while ago. Much like those football players, they were a big hit. These guys are what I am attracted to and when I am looking for. They do exsist because Ryan looks like these guys.

FUCK (some of) YOU

2008-03-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

I get angry when I read some of the comments about my lifestyle. I understand it and many people have e-mailed me and told me that they feel sorry for me that I have to "live a lie" to make money. That I should just "come out" and be a pioneer.

None of you have any idea what I go through everyday of my life. Some wonder why I don't post a lot on the blog anymore. I am busy, for one. But another reason are the crazies out there that have come out the past few posts to tell me that I am a mess.

Fuck You.

anonymous said: Dear Ask Slugger,You said, "He also knows that if I am in a position where I might have sex with a woman I will do so. I keep up the act in front of the team mates." My question to you is... how do YOU feel about this?

To which, another anonymous said: Repulsed, obviously. I'd feel the same.

I came off the wrong way on the blog about this situation I am in. The second anonymous commenter there has it on the dot. I was very truthful with him with what happens during spring training and he knows that if I NEED to do this that I will. I wanted to be up front about it to him. I don't WANT to do it. Almost none of you will ever be in a situation close to where I am right now.

Ryan is also still in the closet and not in a place to be coming out. If I could classify him right now, he is a really close fuck bud. We have a connection beyond that but right now, if I needed to define he and I… that is how I would define him.

He is in college… getting ready to graduate. A former president of his frat still living in his frat house. It’s complicated. I can’t be out and open like most of you. I just can’t. There are those that understand and those who do not understand.

I have blown up at guys before who just don’t get it and don’t understand. I almost stopped updating the blog because of them. I let them get to me. Now, I don’t care. I am who I am. I do what I have to do in order to keep mysecret, keep playing baseball and try to find someone to fill my sexual need.

To answer another question about linking to JP's blog when talking about bottoming. JP and I have a relationship that goes WAY back. I should have asked him about sharing that first. I will let him tell the story or if he does not want to, I will fill you all in.

Ryan and the season

2008-02-26T00:05:00.000-08:00

I am one tired motherfucker! My ass hurts... from a lot of weight lifting guys...

I did get a fun Ask Slugger Question:

Your descriptions of sex always seem to indicate that you’re a top. Have you ever bottomed, if yes do you like it? If not would you?

I have been the "bottom" on a few occasions. One of them is pretty well known in the blog world. Most of the time when it comes to sex I am the Top. It takes a special guy for me to put my ass out on the line and let it get plowed. I will tell you that there is a small group (counted on one hand) that have had the pleasure.

Moving on. Ryan and I have blossomed into a full on relationship that hit the rocks once I started working out at a Spring Training camp. For those hardcore baseball guys out there... I am working at one of the MLB team camps right now. I sit in a hotel room, by myself, late at night posting to my gay blog knowing that I have to get up early in the morning.

A few weeks ago I told Ryan about who I really was and what I do. He was excited and told me how he is a baseball fan, played in high school. Ryan and I have this trust for eachother. It's very strange. I haven't really felt like this in a long time and being older and more cautious makes me very happy.

I am still nervous and am constantly watching my back. Ryan has very cute friends that I have hung out with on a few occasions. I have stayed over at the frat house after parties, stayed in his room, with the door securly locked and make sure we do not make a lot of noise.

Most of our sleepovers are at my place about a half hour away from his frat house. We order in food, or cook steaks on the grill outside. He's a guy. I love that about him. We watched the SuperBowl together (Happy Birthday JP and GOOOO GIANTS!) have been watching the local hockey team on TV as well as some college hoops. His school has a D1 team so I have sat in the student section with him and his frat bros and watched games. It's everything I could want right now and it's, so far knock on wood, not out in the open.

As far as camp is going it's really rough. I have not seen Ryan at all that much and know that this will take a toll on me for a little bit. We have text messages and IM conversations everyday. He also knows that if I am in a position where I might have sex with a woman I will do so. I keep up the act in front of the team mates.

I am doing great... working my ass off and getting by. Shoot me your questions for some more ask slugger.

Happy New Year

2008-01-02T23:12:00.000-08:00

Sup Ladies? Happy New Year! Heh... It's been a LONG ass time since I have updated. There are many reasons for this. I know. I start too many of my recent entries like this, but there is a lot to talk about in the world of Slugger.

I don't know where to begin really, so I'll just ramble on like I always do.

I haven't been myself in a VERY long time. Always hiding, always trying to figure out who I am. Dodging questions over girlfriends, sleeping with random girls just to keep up the image that I am this "Straight Baseball Jock Stud God." I found myself at a crossroads.

My last post, someone called Joey asked me, "Do you ever think about going to California getting a regular job, perhaps coaching baseball, and being with Joe on a full time basis?" At first I thought it might have been my actual Joe and that he had found my blog. I was crazy. I decided that I needed to just get away from a lot of what was bothering and driving me crazy and stayed away from being online and just thinking about who I am and where I am going.

A true quarterlife crisis. Apparently they are all the rage right now. Friends of mine, recently out of college and now in the workforce have them and are thinking of grad school... living in London for a year "just because" and thinking of all these crazy ideas just because they don't feel right.

I started to fall for someone that I had met on this blog. It's true. He was in a "relationship" with a guy that was in my situation and wanted advice and somene to talk to. Our conversations led to flirting and I found myself falling for him, online. I found myself attracted to his confidence, wanting to hold him and console him when he was upset and down. I felt for him. I realized that I needed a break and told him that I might disappear for a while, and I did.

This guy, who is awesome, helped me take time and reflect on what the fuck I was doing in life.

June 17, 2005 I wrote these first two entries. Many of you started reading my blog from the beginning and have commented on how much you identify with me and how I have helped you understand more about yourself and how you also love my rants.

I decided that during this time I would go back and read my blog, from the beginning and reflect back on life. I realized that my last few posts have been really flakey and not like myself at all. Something I need to change...

So I am in the process of changing, further accepting myself. It's my baby steps to eventually be "OUT" for lack of a better word. JP linked to a guys blog that I really found thought provoking... His name is Zach. He played basketball in college and now wants to play in the NFL. He likes both guys and girls. Fucking amazing. He has no problem talking about it, he is who he is.

I wish I had the BALLS to do what this guy is doing. I am left to ponder.

2008 is going to be a season of change. I am playing at a level that is very competitive. I am going to be living in the area of the country that I don't really know that well and have a really good chance of being called up to a Major League team.

I have been busting my ass, working out with a personal trainer and working on mechanics and other skills that will help me advance to the next level. There has also been this Joe Hangover that has really fucked with my mind and my emotions. I recently got over him by meeting a new guy.

Where I am living now is near a rather large University and has it's fill of "Straight" boys. I was having a weak moment and decided to log on to Gay.com and chat with guys in the area. I have a picture that you would expect to find on there, a bare chested shot of myself, no face and some mystery. I was getting hit up by older men, who, at this point in my life I am not interested in.

A 5th year senior sent me a private message, I will call him Ryan.

Ryan and I got to talking. He is a former college athlete and after an injury that caused him to "retire" became president of his frat. Now, he is enjoying his second senior year and letting loose.

Of course we did not talk about that online, it was more of:

Me: I'm Horny and don't do this often...
Him: Blah Blah, Neither do I... discreet... blah blah insert keywords here

We met up that night and something sparked between us. Here I am, getting over Joe, reflecting back on life and having a tiny crisis and I spend an ENTIRE weekend with a guy I met on the internet. Fucking crazy. My new location, I am living by myself, so it is easier to have this friendship become more and not have to worry about roommates.

Ryan and I spent the weekend together, got to know eachother and I felt very safe with him. The holidays crept up and I returned to the New York area to see family while he stayed behind. He called me every night to see how I was doing. We would talk at all hours, trade text messages and naughty picture messages.

It happened. I found someone that I could be myself around and not have to worry about walls. I returned and he was there art the airport to pick me up.

He's fucking incredible. Some of you I have talked to over the last month or so, I down played my relationship with Ryan to be just a "frat boy I plow"

It's turning into something more and it makes me happy.

2008 is turning out to be my year. I was at a low point in 2007 where I almost gave up on baseball. I didn't want to deal. Then, like always, I got out of my rutt and was doing better professionaly but was mentaly fucked up over Joe.

This is a new year, a better me, so far. I have also stopped smoking pot. I look back on some e-mails and see how fucked up I was.

Anyway, hit me up with questions for ask slugger. I am sure that a LOT of you have questions.

Miami

2007-11-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

I am waiting in the Terminal right now in Miami heading back to the New York area. I have been down here in Miami for about 2 weeks and have had a blast. As most of you noticed, I was not online and there is a reason for that. I wanted to relax, spend time with friends I don't get to see and just get my shit together.

I checked my blog e-mail for the first time on Friday and did not respond for a few reasons. I've just realized a lot about guys out there. The internet is a wonderful thing. It's helped me sort through a lot of stuff in my head and share my experiences as a gay athlete with people who never would get to experience it. I've also been able to connect with athletes across the US and ramble on about what is going on with me.

Miami was a lot of fun. It's kind of a gamble talking about the trip. But it was a lot of fun. Went out clubbing and to bars with the boys while I was down here, which was really nice. I went out with one buddy, who signed a pretty good major league deal. He lives in South Beach, has a great place and has the money to spend when we go out. He's single and loves to go out, meet women and have fun.

He kept wanting to hook me up with his girls that he knew. I would obviously talk with them, smile, flirt and made out with a few. All the while my mind went back to Joe out in California. I was all kinds of fucked up. I kept thinking of Joe and wanted to talk to him, so one night, while sitting on the patio overlooking the beach I went and called him and he picked up.

I shouldn't have called him but it made me feel good to talk to him. Even though he is a long way away, I still like him and I shouldn't.

I got to get on the plane. More when I get back to my parents.

Drunkity Wedding

2007-10-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

Wow.... What an amazing time I had down at the wedding. I had a lot of fun with the buds I haven't seen in a long time.

First I want to address something that I brought up in my last post. I brought up my friend Kerry and how she is my date to a bunch of weddings and how we have a history. I want to clear up some stuff to some readers who may not have read all my posts.

1) I AM NOT OUT - I have some people e-mailing me for advice on how to come out and how to deal with the gay feelings that they have.

While I am very confident that I know that I am gay, I still keep a masculine and straight profile with guys on my team and most of my friends. Kerry is a girl that I used to date back in college. I had very strong feelings. When we broke up it ws mutual. When I go to a wedding or other function, she is always my date.

As far as guys that need some good advice about coming out I would point you in two directions.

One would me to my friend JP, who started a blog after I urged him to do so. JP is in the middle of coming out to friends and family and can really answer questions better than I can about that.

Another person to look at is Micifus Phil. His blog seems to be down right now but he is a college student who came out and I talked to him when I started my blog.

Right now, I have no plans on coming out because of where my career is. This is not a knock on guys like me who are in the closet and looking for help on how to deal with the feelings. This is about who I am as a person.

Anyway... sorry for the venting. A few guys got to me this week. They will be ignored from now on.

Today I am leaving for Miami for a week or two. Haven't decided how long I am going to stay. I'm staying with some buddies of mine from college who live down there. Should be nice to just get away for a little bit seeing how I have been all stressed out lately. I'll have the laptop with me.

Still awaiting some more hot pix in my email.

Off to a Wedding

2007-10-25T13:46:00.001-07:00

So I am off to a wedding! One of my really good buddies from college is getting married down around DC this weekend and I am taking off from now till Monday... I'm real excited about it. I haven't seen him in a VERY long time. He is working in DC, doing something with the government, I don't know... but he has an amazing house in Virginia and a really cute new bride.

I have to fess up about something though. I am bringing a girl with me to this wedding. I have been getting some e-mails from guys saying, "If you aren't dating a girl, and are as good looking as you probably are, some people are going to start asking questions."

Well, this girl, Kerry, has been a very good friend of mine since college. While I was in college, she and I were an on and off again couple. A gasp and hush falls over the crowd. Kerry has, for the most part been my "beard" in social settings. She is single, very good looking girl who I clicked with my freshman year, even though I knew I liked guys, but I needed someone to keep my image up as the "straight all american baseball jock"

A reason I have not shared anything about her on here is because there is some stuff that I keep guarded from you guys. A few months ago I thought I was found out, but it turned out ok. I am sure there are many more questions you guys want to ask, now that I have come clean about my "beard" that I have, even though she is not a girlfriend per say.

Kerry and I are NOT dating and are not exclusive. When I need dates to stuff like this she usually is the one I ask. We have not talked about relationship, even though I have heard from her friends that she really wants to "make something work". I decided that this was the time to tell you guys about this. I'm still debating on taking my laptop with me on the trip. If not I will see you silly fuckers next week.

E-mail me questions and stuff. Even hot pix. No one sends me hot pictures anymore to post. I'll take anything.. you... that hot guy from Facebook you stalk... hit me up with some hot pix to post on the blog... and some for me to enjoy when I get back from this wedding.

JP

2007-10-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

Now that I am back in the NY area I had some time to go and see someone that has helped me through so much, JP. His little blog has really gained some faithfull readers over the last year and I am proud of him. I know, I sound like a proud parent. He wouldn't be blogging if it wasn't for my pushing him to..

Anyway, I met up with JP over the weekend at the Giants game this past Sunday. He is a HUGE Giants fan, as is the rest of his family. It was nice to see his dad and sister and to hang out and tailgate before the game. We had a great time at the game and it was good to just catch up with him, in person. JP and I have had a great friendship, one that started at a football camp and grew over those summers and then online while in college.

Saturday I went up to see him in Connecticut and we hung out, had a few beers and then Sunday went to the Giants game. I know I have plugged him before, but he is a great guy.

I have so much time on my hands right now. I am off to the gym soon then who knows. Everyone be on the look out for me online

AIM - Slugger0082

Ask Slugger

2007-10-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

It's ask Slugger time!

I have been getting some great questions from people and here are some questions and answers that I would like to share with you guys.

1. Have you ever had sex with someone while you (and/or the other person) were in full uniform/gear (pants, shirt, jock, cup, compression shorts, etc...)? As an closeted athlete, I have fantasized about doing this, but am not sure about persuing it because I'm afraid I'd be thought of as a freak.

A: Well, I don't think you are a freak. I think it would be hot to have sex in my baseball uniform. I always wanted to fuck Joe while he was wearing his gear. Just made him look real hot. LAX guys are usualy really hot so why not. I hope you can live out your fantasy soon. Plus send me some pics of you in gear... that would be hot!

2. Anonymous said...Hey man, Got a question for you. Whered all your stories go. They were really good. It got almost everyone hard. Have you met any baseball legends?

A: First baseball legends... I have met a few. More on those later...

Stories... I have been slacking on stories but wanted to share a story from a guy I have been talking to. It's really hot and something I thought you guys would enjoy... I'm working on a something for you guys but first here is "Marc"

Hey what's going on? I just wanted to send you an email and tell you how much your blog has resonated with me, and really helped me when I was going through some stuff. I'm 23 years old, just graduated from college. I went to a Division 1 school and for 3 years of college I secretly dated a member of our football team...a football team that is consistently ranked in the top 25 in the country and qualified for bowl games at the end of every season. I am also an athlete, played hockey, baseball, and tennis all my life. But I lacked the tenacity to pursue athletics at that level - academics became more important to me as time wore on and I realized that sports was not a realistic professional goal for me.

Anyways, we met in the cafeteria. After some long staring matches I was standing at the bar outside of the checkout line getting my stuff together and I was packing up my things. He walks up from the "football table" to get some condiments. I look over at the beautiful man I've been staring at for weeks thinking about how badly I wished he were actually into guys, because I was sure that he wasn't. He asks "What do you think - barbecue or honey mustard?"

Anyone who knows me knows that I am obsessed with bbq...so I said "I've always been a bbq guy myself." He responded "I sorta picked up on that, I've been trying to figure that out for a while." Being the awkward sophomore that I was, I walked away very confused. After more staring matches about 2 weeks later I was sitting outside reading my book and he was walking up to the caf with his friends. He motioned that he needed to use his cell phone and walked over and sat down next to me and said, "Are you gonna ever grow the balls to talk to me or am I just gonna have to wonder about getting to know you."

He could tell I was hesitant and unsure so he just said "Look, just give me your number." He texted me later as we were sitting eating lunch at our respective tables and it said "I love watching you smile."

Anyway, I'm droning on and probably boring you. We started hanging out after that and soon began sleeping together. At first, we were both scared and it was purely sexual...but after a while we couldn't deny it anymore and the feelings crept in. He was/is my first big love.

We've come to a point where he is probably going to enter the NFL draft after the season and have realized that it is too hard to be together. We can't ever see eachother and we are both so closeted and in different social circles that it's just nearly impossible. My heart is still broken...I think his might be too. At least I hope it is, as bad as that sounds. .

Keep your questions coming! I always like questions, stories, pictures... HOT PICTURES. LOL

New York, New York

2007-10-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

It feels great to be back in the New York area. For those that live around here, I think this is the best time to be here. It's cool out temprature wise, the leaves are falling and nothing is better than walking around New York City and not having to worry about sweating.

This past weekend I spent it in New York with some buddies from college who now live and work in NYC. I wish JP was still living in New York so he could go and intriduce me to all of his friends that he made while living here. That's ok because I am heading up to Connecticut this weekend to chill with my buddy and reconnect with him. Watch out Connecticut!

My boys in NYC are all the financial types. Wall street guys who make a lot of money and have no time to spend it. When they do have time to spend it they go nuts. We went to this club called Bed and had bottle service all night long. It was great to see these guys and just get trashed. I don't remember much of what happened after 3am but I do remember waking up with a pounding headache.

Sunday was spent watching football at a bar in the village getting rowdy and just enjoying the company of these guys. I'm excited for the weekend and seeing JP for the first time in ages. That should make for some great stories!

Thanks to everyone who comments and has kept coming back to the blog to hear my rants about my life playing baseball. The e-mails I get are also great. I have been trying to keep up with all the e-mails and have got back to most of you. As you all know, I dn't share much on the blog but have opened up with some guys on e-mail.

I love talking to other guys and seeing how they are doing. E-mail me ClubhouseCloset at gmail

Life

2007-10-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I'm back. Its been so long since I have said hello to you. People have e-mailed and wondered if I had just gave up on the blog. It has taken a back seat to what has been going on with me professionaly and personally.

First, baseball has been amazing for me this year. Many of you know I fought through an injury and came back to playing and have been playing VERY well since that time. I don't share much about stats here because of the paranoia I have about being found out about. Most of you have been great. When I do share something about myself to a reader, they know it's because of a trust I have built up with them.

So, what's up with me? I am in New York (state, not city) visiting my folks and hanging out with them since my season is over. It's a great feeling to know that all I have to do when I wake up is go to the gym. The gym is my place that I love to go to. I love working out and keeping in shape. My body has been loving the attention I get from guys I see walking as well as the girls that talk to me while out at bars.

What! GIRLS? Calm down everyone, I am not leaving you for pussy. I'm just liking the attention I am getting.

As far as the guys go for me, it's been interesting. I wrote about YoungGun and got MANY e-mails about him. Well, his antics kept up. We would share a room and sure enough when I "fell asleep" he would jerk off. This happened a few more times and then I asked him about it...

"Dude, were you jerkin off last night?" I asked

YoungGun: pause.... "No, I get enough pussy from my girl. I don't need to jack off."

"Bro, I heard you jerkin off last night. It's no big deal. Just wanted to let you knowit's not that big a deal to me."

From there YoungGun opened up and we talked about sex. Not with guys, but girls. We had a blast telling stories and laughing about all kinds of stuff. That night as I was falling asleep he said he was gunna jerk off. I told him cool that I was falling asleep. He doesn't care much. He is like a little brother to me now. I would love to just slam his ass but we have grown our friendship. It's been great.

Joe - I still get questions over my first love of my adult life. He is great. We still talk. His career playing lax is taking off and has been going part time to grad school. He is dating two people right now. One guy, one girl. It pisses me off that he found someone else and has a girl on teh side to keep up his image to the guys he plays with. I can't handle having a bf and playing at the same time. I don't know how he is doing it.

That's what has been going on with me. Look for more posts to come. I have some good stories from teh season that I will share with you guys.

It's good to be back!

Backstreets Back...

2007-07-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

I seem to start off a bunch of posts like this... I'm sorry I have not been updating but there is good reason, some I can talk about and some I can't talk about.

What can I tell you... I have moved. I am living and playing further West from my last assignment and have moved up in the ranks of the Minors. It's very exciting for me because I am living in a fairly large city that has a lot to do. Great nightlife, a celebrity sighting here and there and always causing trouble with a few of my teammates. I have tried to keep where I am ambiguous because of the higher profile I am getting from various publications.

I didn't realize that I haven't been on here since May... I have got a bunch of e-mails from you guys which I appreciate and I was talking to our friend JP this past weekend and he told me that even HE is getting some e-mails about me. One guy thought I might have been seriously injured and wanted my cell phone number to call me to make sure I was ok. I think it's funny that someone thought that they could get my cell phone number in-directly.

Joe graduated college and we still talk on the phone frequently. He came out to visit me on a road trip and I spent 2 nights with him which was amazing. He got drafted into professional Lacrosse and is moving East for that and doing some grad school. It's cool though.

There is a new younger player on my team that has been fueling my fantasy of having a guy on my team also being into guys and actually doing something with him. He is just out of college and was on my former team, but there is word he may be joining us for a week or two. This young guy just breathes and sweats cockyness. YoungGun joined the team and he was a thrill to hang out with. Light brown hair, 6'3" frame, strong chin and a body average guys kill for. His stomach was a little defined because of all of the beer he was drinking during his last few weeks as a college guy. He was hitting in the cages when I first really met him. He was coming out and I was waiting my turn. We struck up conversation. Talked and laughed a lot. We have the same personality and I let my guard down around him a lot.

We became fast drinking buddies. Chgging beer, doing shots and he was trying to stay faithful to his college sweetheart who has already started planning their wedding even though he has not proposed. One night in the hotel he was on the phone with her while a bunch of us were playing cards. He was complaining that he needed to get laid, after her got off the phone with her and a bunch of guys told him to find some random girl in town to fuck while she is back home. He said he could fuck a different girl each night if he wanted to. The guys laughed, tried to bet him that he couldn't.

I made sure to get paired up with YoungGun for a room at night. That night as we were going to bed, I asked him if he had cheated on his girl, he said no. He was always candid with me. We both started drifting to sleep. 10 minutes later I must have nodded off and snored a little bit because I opened my eyes and thought I saw movement on his side of the room.

I waited, didn't move and heard him spit on his hand and move it to his cock under the covers. He was jerking off. I was so hard at that point. I didn't wanna move or scare him so I laid there and watched his face, faintly as he stroked himself off. When he came, he made a couple grunting noises and then he must have cleaned up with his boxers or something.

It was so hot to have this 22 year old jerking off just a few feet away from me.

I have to take off but I promise I will post more about YoungGun soon. A couple more hot stories and fun stuff about our friendship.

Anymore questions for me remember to email me at ClubhouseCloset@gmail.com

HOTTIES FOR YOU

2007-05-30T01:03:00.000-07:00

ASK SLUGGER #4

2007-05-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

“hey, ive been reading ur blogs,and as an athlete myself how do you deal with locker rooms and showers? thanks man”

I know I have answered this question a few times and even blogged about it so click here and read up!

I haven’t had many great questions sent in. Mostly they are asking me about how I like to shower and if I have banged anyone on my team. LoL

I also wanted to give an update on Joe. We talked on Friday night while I was on my road trip. We both decided that since we were far away from each other and that since he will be trying out to MLL that we would just stay friends, with benefits. One day I hope to be able to be together with him and be in a real relationship but right now it is not possible. I also have a confession that will be posted in a few days.

Thanks again to the guys that e-mail me. I will be getting back to you tonight.

Comments

2007-05-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

I love that you guys leave me comments. I don’t update enough and I have got a lot of shit for it. I just got back from another weekend road trip that included stops in a few places.

I just got word that there is a chance that I will be moving up to another team and in a bigger city. I have been playing very well. The last series I played in I went 7-10 with 5 RBI’s. I think that might be the first time I have ever posted stats on here.

I should be getting word in a few days if they will be moving me up. If so I would be moving to a city that has some good nightlife and I am excited to get out of the small city/big town where I am now.

I wanted to talk about the comments everyone leaves on the site and the emails you guys send me. I still want to do “Ask Slugger” and keep you guys updated on what I am doing in my life and where I am going. I never suspected that there were so many guys like me out there.

When I say like me I mean former and current athletes that have had the same experiences. Getting e-mails from you guys is like crack. I can’t get enough of it. I do want to talk about some of the negative stuff I have been getting from you guys.

There have been a few of you over the past few weeks that have been e-mailing and saying that I should come out and be true to who I am and not hide because “everyone on your team probably knows that you are gay anyway.” To those who have said something along those lines I want to say thank you for your opinion but you are not in my shoes.

There is stuff that I share on here and stuff that I do not. There are a lot of guys in my clubhouse that are very homophobic and have said “I hate fags”. There are some that stick up for guys and say that they don’t care but for the most part it would be scary for me to even think about what could happen.

There was a guy a few years ago who was a good up-an-coming ball player who was rumored to have been gay. He ended up getting married and having a few kids after those rumors started to swirl. He was playing AA and AAA ball for a few years, bouncing from team to team and I got to know him his last year of trying to be a pro ball player. I had heard the rumors and guys had told me to stay away from him because he took it in the ass.

It didn’t matter to me. I was hoping that he would come out to me or try to hit on me, he was a good looking guy. One day he was called into the managers office and was told that he was being sent down to single A club in the middle of nowhere. H ewas having problems with his wife and money was coming in short. He decided to call it quits at the end of the season after begging to be able to play AA. This was just because there were rumors that he was gay. He was a great player and deserved to be at the AAA level even traded to a bad team like Tampa to try to prove himself. But because of the rumors he was run out of baseball. I don’t want to go down like that.

If I want to come out, I will likely do so after I am done playing baseball and have a secure job.

I had to get that off my chest. I am also awake on red bull and vodka and wanted to share.

Complicated

2007-05-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

Everyone, thank you so much for the e-mails and comments. I am in a weird mood right now so I guess bare with me while I get through everything. First, lets talk about Joe. For those who have been following the "relationship" between us you know that joe made a visit to spring training and we spent an entire weekend together.

He has been back at school, and fell out of touch the last few weeks with me. At first I thought It was finals. I remember how stressfull finals were when i was in school. Now imagine that along with playing baseball. Joe is trying out for a professional lax team and we haven't talked as much as I wanted to. I honestly think I am paranoid. I am pretty far away from him and it's his senior year in college and know he is probaly fucking around with other guys. It kills me. The only person that I know that knows about Joe is JP and I woke him up today and we talked about it. I fell really hard and really fast for Joe. Now I have to stop and think about what is good for me and what won't make my head explode.

What I do know is that I am playing some great ball right now. I've learned not to let shit like this bother me as much on the field. When I am out there playing, I don't have a care in the world. some of you guys who have played sports know that once you get in that "zone" nothing really throws you off.

I had an interesting conversation with Micifus Phil. Even though he stopped blogging I still think he is a cool guy. Anyway, he is writing a paper on Professional Athletes and why they should come out of the closet. I have been thinking about it since yesterday and think I have some valid points as to why it's hard for someone like me to come out of the closet. I will save those for another day.

As always, shoot me your ASK SLUGGER questions by email and I will be in touch soon.

Two in a Row

2007-04-21T08:30:00.001-07:00

Wow, I am doing two posts in a row. Someone out there will have a hard on because of it. Read the "Ask Slugger" entry one down for a good question.

I have been SLAMMED the last few weeks. Lot has been going on. Thank you to everyone who is happy that I have been able to find someone like Joe. A lot of you have said that it "sounds easy" for me to accept it and still be in the closet. A lot of you have no idea.

For me, it's easy for me to talk about emotions here on the blog because it is my safe place. A place where guys, like me, and guys not like me have a chance to read about what I am thinking about while living in an environment that does not readily accept an openly gay man playing a game.

In front of the guys, and with a lot of guys who I have become close with, have NO IDEA that Joe exists. Remember, there are only a hand full of people that know me and know my sexual identity. These are trusted friends of mine that I have built up trust with enough to be able to talk about what I experience.

While I am on the topic, there have been some assholes out that think that after talking on AIM for a few minutes will automatically make me send them a picture of myself. ARE YOU CRAZY? I know a few of you are reading, it pisses me off when you guys do that so STOP.

JP, for example, a good friend of mine that I have known since I was a teenager at camp. He is a trusted friend, who I have been a dick to. He knows it, I know it, and I apologized to him last week and as a trusted friend he forgave me.

Back on topic, my blog is for me. It's my safe place to be able to come and talk about what I am feeling and what I want to do. I answer questions, give you guys an insight into what it's like moving up in the majors and some of my sexual history as well. I know I have been busy as all hell lately, but please, be conciderate of me.

As I said, life is busy, Joe is getting ready for graduation and has been really busy with everything that he needs to do to finish. He has a try-out for MLL (major league lax) and has been working out hardcore for it. I don't know what the future holds for me and this guy, what I do know is that I am jerking off way too much and when I am with him, the sex is amazing.

Sorry for the explosion up there, some stuff has been built up for me. Keep the ASK SLUGGER questions coming and I'll post something soon.

Ask Slugger #3

2007-04-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hey Slugger; really liked your last couple entries. Questions: do
you ever get tired of traveling, and what do you do in your spare time in
the hotels you stay at?

Thanks man.

Thanks for the e-mail. First, I never get tired of traveling. I like seeing a lot of the small cities that I get to travel to. Some aren't small cities at all, some are larger cities with a great nightlife and stuff to do while we are in town. Most of it is nightlife, hitting a dive bar or if it's the weekend, we hit a club. by we I mean the teammates.

Just imagine traveling with your best friends on vacation. Most of us have gone on spring break with buddies, fraternity brothers and even some guys you play a sport with. I never really got to go on spring break since I was with the team playing in spring training games down in Florida. Anyway, it's a lot like that. You get very close to your teammates and the guys that are with your team. When an oppertunity to go out and have a good time comes up, we move in on it.

As far as keeping busy, like if we get rained out... we bring along Nintendo Wii, Playstations and XBox to help pass the time. Playing Madden, Hoops, or shoot 'em games. Plus Poker is HUGE!!! I can play poker till 3am and be fine with it.

Thanks for the e-mail and hope this helps!!

Updates

2007-04-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

Spring training is over. I am now with my team in our home training facility getting ready to play some ball with the best of the best that aren’t playing in the majors. I’m back at my place right now and left spring training with a treat.

Joe came to visit from California. My cell phone rang as I walked to the clubhouse (locker room) and I saw Joe’s number. He made some small talk and asked me if I was still playing today. I had got word that I was going to be playing “most of a game” on that day. Wanting to impress people I mentally got myself ready for the game and getting a call from Joe really helped my confidence.

My first at bat I walked. Nothing was really hit my way so far I haven’t done anything to make myself look like an ass. My second at bat comes up and I single up through the gap and get on first. The crowd cheers and claps and I run to first. After the music for the next batter subsides I hear “Way to go Slugger”. I turn and see Joe standing with 3 drunken girls by the first base wall. Joe smiles and I smile back.

The first basemen only says, “those are some nice tits.” I laugh and agree but was really thinking about Joe. He had grown his hair out since I had last seen him and it was looking very good. I ended up connecting on my next at bat and as always caught all the balls that came my way and did not screw up.

After the game was over, Joe and his new friends were waiting for me. He had flown in from California to check out the game and was going to stay for the next 2 nights. He met the girls, who were on spring break, while getting a beer and wanted them to cheer me on. I showered up and headed to a bar close by to meet them for some food. The girls kept hitting on both of us. He said that we were old friends from high school and that he wanted to see his buddy play some ball. He was so fucking cute acting all straight, kind of hitting on these girls. I told the girls that I had a girlfriend who I really liked and that she was close by. They lost interest but still loved grabbing my chest and biceps all they could. Joe got one of their cell phone numbers and they left the bar.

Joe drove his rental car to his hotel, I followed in mine and we got into his room and he turned around before we could shut the door and started making out with me. We didn’t talk until about 45 minutes later when we were both spent laying on the bed after and amazing marathon of sex.

He couldn’t wait to see me in Arizona in a few weeks, saw some time to skip out to see me so he threw it on his credit card. Luckily I had the days off from doing much and could spend as much time with him as possible. We spent most of our time in his hotel room, talking and just holding each other.

He is the first guy that I can honestly say “I Love You” to. He flew randomly to surprise me because he missed me. I don’t know how we fell for each other this hard but we did. We met in a Las Vegas bar and had an amazing night of sex, kept in touch and now we are both crazy for each other. I’m happy that we have been able to stay in touch and kind of together as the months have gone on but know that it will be a while before we can have a normal “relationship”

I have been talking to JP a little bit and he seems to be cheering up as well. After Joe showed up and I headed to the clubhouse I called him to tell him he was here. I freaked out a little bit, but he told me to calm down and have fun. I did and was very happy for that.

Anyway, glad I could get that off my chest for you guys. I changed my profile picture to David Wright so a shirtless chest picture wouldn’t show up on a friends list if someone were to click on your friends list.

I started a MySpace

2007-03-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

I have the next few days off and was talking with a buddy of mine from college. He is doing work in finance in New York City and having a good time. He has no idea that I am gay or anything. I told him that I had met someone while living out in California and he asked me about "her" so I described Joe as best I could without using his name. Said "she" was hot, great in bed and was very oral. He got a kick out of it, then he asked a name... Kristen was the first name that popped up in my head.

My buddy asked me if I had a myspace page because it would be a lot easier to keep in touch and there are so many hot girls on it, yadda yadda. So I gave in and made a page for my straight friends to see. I decided last night, while playing poker with a bucnh of guys I know at Spring Training that I would make a page for myself just for blog readers.

myspace.com/slugger0082

So, for those of you who have myspace, friend me and you can check me out.

I also started a Yahoo Group for Gay Athletes.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gay_athletes

This is a group for the gay athletes to come together and talk about life and share stories about growing up and get advice on how to deal with teammates, locker rooms, and friends. It's for athletes on all levels… high school, college, and professional. I would prefer that the Yahoo group only be athletes and not men interested in athletes. Obviously, I have no way of telling who is who they say they are. What I ask is guys e-mail me a little about themselves and their experiences before they are members.

I am working on a post about what has been going on with me at Spring Training and I will post it at some point today. I am bumming around a hotel right now.

White Pants

2007-02-27T19:37:00.000-08:00

I came across these pictures on the net somewhere and thought of all of you guys. Football players in white pants. Not bad eh? I hope all of you enjoy these pictures.

More from you

2007-02-22T10:06:00.000-08:00

A lot of the pics wouldn't be on here if it wasn't for guys like you who send them in. Those Harvard pics (which I still get e-mails about how hot they are...) is a perfect look inside the lives of some guys. Anyway, I wanted to share some more pictures and thank everyone who sends them into me. I post guys that I find attractive and hope you guys find them hot too.

Remember, send your pics to me ClubhouseCloset@gmail.com

South Bend Silverhawks

2007-02-13T22:15:00.000-08:00

Nightshift visits the South Bend Silverhawks. My buddy sent this to me and I wanted to post it so you can see behind the scenes of a minor league baseball club and what kind of atmosphere I live in.

Enjoy!

Update

2007-02-13T10:39:00.000-08:00

Pitchers and Catchers are reporting! It's a great time of year. Back in the swing with teammates. Some guys I don't get to see much, so when training comes around and you are able to be around a bunch of guys that you don't get t see much, it's always fun.

A lot has happened since I last posted. John Amaechi came out of the closet. The former basketball player admits that he is gay. Pretty sweet. Off the top of my head there are only about a hand full of "out" former players in sports. Ones that have made public announcements. There are players that live out gay lives, without holding press conferences or writing a book. Some of you have asked me over e-mail about if I would ever come out of the closet while playing. I know it's not the time for me to do this. First, not many people would care and second, it would block me from advancing to a large market team in the future. I know, it sucks, but I have to look at the big picture. There are guys that rumors fly around about him and he gets stuck playing ball in bumfuck idaho for nothing. Most of the guys are straight but feminine. I don't know, it's not me, not now.

Joe and I have been e-mailing each other and talking on the phone pretty much everyday. It's a long distance relationship for now. I told him that if he meets a guy that he likes that by all means go for it. I know what kind of situation we are in. Plus he is a senior in college, I want him to have his fun if he meets a guy. He has been fucking some chick on and off all year. They once dated and now are fuck buddies. I have no problem with it because I do the same thing with girls. One day, I will look back on this and think how stupid it was to do this. But it is something I do to keep my reputation up as a player. Joe is a very cool guy and wants to eventually move to where I am and have a relationship the best we can. Time will tell.

I have got a LOT of e-mail lately from you readers and I have to say I am touched by it. A lot of you write in (because I am never on AIM... Slugger0082) and have had nothing but nice, kind words. I am responding to as many as I can. Apparently I am a busy and popular blog. JP told me about site meter and I get about 2,000 readers a day. You have remained loyal when I did not post for a while and was moving all over the US to play the game. So for you THANK YOU!

Everyone knows that my e-mail is Clubhousecloset@gmail.com

Now you know. I do not use any other kind of e-mail address for this blog. Someone is out there posing as me, using Slugger0082 as an e-mail address, this is my only e-mail. The e-mail that I get is strictly confidential. I never share names, e-mails or locations with anyone. Some of you have written in for Ask Slugger, and keep asking questions, it's fun to try to answer them.

I also like talking to other athletes out there who are dealing with the same thing. I have grown a pair of balls in the past few months and really like hearing from you guys. Suck it up and send a shout my way. Anyway, enjoy your week. I am busting my balls this week to make sure that one day I bring home the Benjamin's and can live like a rockstar.

Been Thinking

2007-02-05T20:03:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking the past few days about a lot of stuff. It's been a hard time for me. I have been busy with working out and practice with my new team. I really miss Joe out in Cali. Most of my nights are spent with teammates hanging out at others houses, condos and apartments. We always seem to hit the bar later in the night, wake up the next morning and work out/practice.

Last week, a few nights I left early and came home. I have been avoiding going online lately because I seem to be buying porn subscriptions way too much. I guess I go through phases. I'll buy the 7 day trial for websites then cancel on the 6th day. I miss having roommates. Living with a bunch of guys is fun. There is always someone around to talk to, hang out with and just shoot the shit. When I come home the condo is quiet and it's just me. I like it because I "own it" but it's still a big change from living in cali.

Someone left these pictures below as evidence of guys showing off. Hope you guys enjoy the pics. I know I am enjoying!

Ask Slugger #2

2007-02-05T19:46:00.000-08:00

"Anonymous: I just ran across your blog and I have to say, what a read. I find myself nodding in agreement in a lot of things you say and have experienced. I work in sports too and it's a homophobic as hell world and I wonder how many more of us are out there? Paranoia does get the best of me now and then but you seem to be holding up well. Good luck. "

This was a comment I got from an Anonymous reader. My answer to the question is Yes, there are a lot of us out there. When I first started blogging I didn't know what to expect. I did not know that my complaints, frustrations and indulgence in hot pictures would evolve into me staying in touch with guys across the world.

I really do like hearing stories from people. High school football players, college baseball players, and even some professional sports players have e-mailed me to tell me that they like the blog and could never get one going.

What I can say is that we are out there. I always wanted to try to find that little community of guys that were just like me. I guess this could be the start of something like that. Who knows.

Hey Anonymous, shoot me an e-mail... Clubhousecloset@gmail.com

sigmachi11@aol.com said...

NB, CT eh?
Yes, New Brittain. I have played with a few guys on that team at some point... I have played in a lot of states and had some fun with guys from CT... like JP

Danny1959 said...

Have you ever had sex with another baseball player?
Yes. Part two of the story.

Most of the times I have sex with a guy is when I am extremely horny and just need to get off. Joe and I was a complete shock to me. Meeting a guy in Vegas, having sex, and finding out he lived a half hour away from me in CA was cool. We were also very into eachother. Even though he is younger than me and a lax player, doesn't mean he doesnt count.

Shoot more questions my way!

Ask Slugger #1

2007-01-26T11:10:00.000-08:00

Chris Asks:

“So this is my question. Can you describe what most pro baseball players wear under their uniforms? I know sliding shorts, a.k.a. spandex compression shorts, are probably popular. But what percentage wear cups? Any commentary on this sportsgear question would definitely be appreciated.”

Well, for me it depends on the day. I know that when I play ball I like to wear compression shorts. Some days, when it's really hot I wear just a jock. What makes that fun is when your team wears white pants at home. I played on a summer team in college where our home uniform had white pants. This guy from a college down south loved it. One day during a rain delay he was talkin by his locker which was right nxt to mine about how his school's team had white pants and they showed off some days for the ladies. If you only wear a jock, it's sometimes pretty noticable. These guys are trying to show off to the girls who are in the stands watching them.

If you go to a minor league game you may see some guys only wearing jocks under their uniforms, you now know why.

I do know that most catchers I have been on teams with will wear a cup along with a spandex kind of short over the jock.

Hope you found this helpful Chris. Keep those questions coming in.

Back in the swing...

2007-01-16T22:16:00.001-08:00

Well everyone, I am in my new condo. My parents are staying in the guest bedroom on an air mattress. My bed was delivered yesterday so when I walked in, it was here, which is nice. This was the first time I had a say in what furniture I was getting for my own place and it felt good. Queen sized bed, leather couch, flat screen will be here later this week, I am pumped.

I met up with the manager of my new team and I am already working out most of the days ahead. I am also excited to get to know the guys on my new team.

I left California and Joe behind. It kinda sucked. This was the first guy I felt really crazy about. I don't want to say that four letter L-word but it was close. Joe is a senior in college and when he graduates he is going to make a decision on where he wants to go.

That is all that is really going on now. My mother gave me the, "You should find yourself a nice southern girl while you are here." I made up an excuse saying I was too busy with baseball and working out but would try to find one for her. She smiled and was so proud. She then went off to buy me all my kitchen stuff that I won't really use because I don't know how to cook very well.

Ask Slugger

2007-01-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

This is your chance to ask me questions about me and life. I have been growing more and more as a person these last few months and it's making me feel a lot better about myself. So, I decided that I would create an "Ask Slugger" section for the blog. It will also help me with coming up with ideas for the blog. I will only post your first name along with the question that you ask.

You can send your questions to Clubhousecloset@gmail.com

Also, some of you guys have been sending pictures of yourselves to me, which is awesome and I have a LOT of hot readers. Some have said I could post these pictures and some do not want them shared. I only post pictures of guys that give me permission to post. So, if you want to include a picture of yourself, you may get something in return... ;-)

So, ask away readers! This only works if you guys send me something.

Seriously?

2007-01-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

Life is crazy right now. I found a condo to move into and it's not that far from where I will be playing and practicing. My dad is going to meet me at the airport there and we are gunna go get stuff for it. My mom is excited to decorate.

I want a place that is more mature than I am. So I can at least think that I am a grown up. Though, I do play baseball and we (players in general) are boys playing a game.

I got kind of freaked out back in December. I was contacted by a guy who said he played in the minors too. We started chatting on AIM and he seeemed like a cool guy. After about a week of comparing stories and talking he started trying to guess my real name. It freaked me out and I signed offline. He kept going on emailing me and even started asking JP about me. Which he didn't give in.

I understand guys are interested in who I am. I understand that I am putting myself out there by using a blog as a method of dealing with who I really am. But to be in the closet and have someone try to rip me out is not cool. Even trying to abuse my friends is not cool.

There are guys out there that appreciate what I am doing. I like being able to talk to high school, college and professional athletes. I was there in high school, and had someone to turn to. There are guys who don't have anyone to turn to, which sucks.

Anyway, I like talking to guys on e-mail so hit me up. Don't be shy. It will still be a few weeks before I have a DSL at my condo, when I move in I will get back on AIM... I swear!

Happy New Year

2007-01-04T11:49:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone and Happy New Year. I told everyone it would be a while in between postings. This will be a long post so bare with me.

First off, thank you for all the holday/new years messages. I know this blog means a lot to a lot of people. I have been neglecting you guys and it's you guys who have given me a lot more courage in myself to be who I am and enjoy life outside of baseball. It's still very hard to maintain my staright life and my gay life. My time in California is up. I have an offer to play baseball a little WEST of here. It's like, south middle west... does that sound vauge enough?

Anyway, I move from here in California to there. Most of my roommates are moving elsewhere too. One is going to be in Las Vegas so it will be nice to see him every once and a while. Pop up to Vegas, have a good time and know that I have friends there.

I had to tell the guy I was seeing that I was moving. I also told him what I did. I was so fucking nervous when I told him. We were at his house last week when I got word that I was leaving. We were on his couch chillin out, playing Madden (very straight of us) and I told him that I was going to be leaving California. Joe asked me why I was leaving.

At first I couldn't tell him. I looked into his blue eyes and saw that he was hurt. This was the first time that I had fallen really hard for another guy. I sucked it up and then let loose everything. I started to cry as I told him that I played baseball and that I couldn't tell him because of the game and was so nervous. He looked at me and hugged me.

When we broke away he looked at me and said, "So what you are saying is that I have been fucking a professional baseball player?" I started to laugh. Iresponded with, "No, I have been fucking an all american lacrosse player." We both laughed and talked about what I would be doing and he started helping me find a place to live in while I am with my new team. Joe has been busy with LAX shit so I don't see him as often as I wanted to. I know how it is with baseball and playing at the college level. It's a big commitment.

I am sure I will post about where I am but right now I am trying to keep it hush hush. But I will be back into the swing of things so to speak. I am looking forward to being with my new team, living in a new area of the country and meeting new people. It sucks that I met Joe when I did. but, the past month has been just amazing with him. We both really clicked together. He said that over the summer he wants to come visit and see me play. I have no problem with that because he is the straightest guy you would ever meet. Which is why I fell for him so hard. He has a messy room, loves playing video games, eating pizza and drinking beer. How could you not love that.....

I also want to give a couple shout outs, Micifus Phil came out of the closet to everyone, even his parents. I remember when I first started this blog back up, he talked to me about going into college and being a gay athlete and how he would handle it. I have been a reader of his, and I lack on leaving comments for people so I was a ghost when reading his entries and I have to say he has more balls than I ever could have. He has come a long way from when he first contacted me to where he is today as a person. If you read this blog still Phil, I am proud of you bro.

Someone else I neglect, JP.

JP and I have had a long friendship. It goes back to our days at football camp when we met and the summers he would invite me with his family to his lake house up in Vermont. We had a great time on those nights by the lake, and we still keep in touch, which is more than I can say for a lot of my friends from high school. He wrote me an e-mail saying that a lot of guys have e-mailed him who found his blog through mine. JP is a good guy, and I encourage you to all to check out his blog and shoot him an e-mail. I told him I wasn't really keeping up with it because I was always with Joe, I sat down and read all of his posts and he has an awesome thing going over there.

There are a lot of people I have lost touch with as well. I am never online anymore because we don't have internet at my house and I have to come to cafe's to make posts.

What this blog has shown me is that there are a lot of guys out there that are just like me. There are professional football, baseball, basketball and hockey players out there that read. College, high school athletes... and regular readers who aren't into fasion, show tunes and going to gay bars all the time. There ARE GUYS OUT THERE that are regular guys just like me. I met Joe. I get e-mails and IM's from guys.

My New Years resolution is to be more interactive with the blog. Back to how I was last summer. To those who knew the old Slugger before he disappeared from the face of blogland sometime in November, I am back. As soon as I move and get internet.

Sorry for the long post, I wanted everyone to know what was up and what I had on my mind.

To those of you out there that have emailed me in the past, shoot me an email when you read this. If you see me online, say hello, don't be shy. 2007 is going to be a big year for me, I can feel it.

e-mail - Clubhousecloset@gmail.com
AIM- Slugger0082
Yahoo IM - Clubhousecloset

PAST FEW WEEKS

2006-12-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

I have been missing in action the last few weeks and I have a reason. I had been talking it over with JP on how I was going to tell it. He has been a better blogger than me, but whatever.

I decided to make some visits around the country. My first stop was to see a buddy of mine in Colorado. The mountains there are so beautiful. I stayed with him and his girlfriend and just had a good 3 days of partying and hanging out.

From there I went and met the roomies in Las Vegas. We spent 5 days in Sin City and had a blast. The third night there we went out to dinner and decided to hit up a club. We get there, it was kind of lame, I wasn't feeling it at all. I sat at the bar and ordered a drink from the hot bartender.

I decided to roll out and head to a "gay bar" down the street. I told my buddies I would be back in a few. Playing craps or some shit like that. They were talking to some soroity girls.

I get to the bar and I am very nervous. I walk in and I feel like everyone is starring at me. I ordered a drink, sat at the bar and just watched out over the crowd. I liked people watching there. I had a bunch of older dudes hit on me and I said I wasn't interested. Then I had this guy come up and order a drink and sent one my way. It was very Hollywood. The bartender came over and gave me another Captain and Coke and pointed to a guy across from me saying he bought it for me. I went over to say thank you.

He was younger looking. Turns out he was 21 years old and going to be a senior at a school in California. He was out with a couple of his fraternity brothers visiting and snuck away. I realized that we had a lot in common. He was in a frat and played Lax for his school. I told him how I played baseball in college and now lived near him in California working. Did not tell him about playing minor ball or anything. We kept talking and more and more I am into him. He was taller than me, about 6'4", had light brownish hair that almost had a auburn tint to it. Blue eyes which I cream over and a hot bod. I'll call him Joe.

We ended up leaving the club together and he called to see where his buddies were. He said he was going to take a nap and meet them at 1am at some bar. It bought us some time to go and hook up. We got to his hotel and got to his room. It was a suite so we went to one of the bedrooms, closed and locked the door and went at it. We hooked up for a good 45 minutes till we wee both spent.

We exchanged phone numbers, since he lived close by and went back out and met our friends. The rest of the trip we would text message eachother like we were little 13 year old girls. I left while he still had 2 more days in Vegas and we still text messaged eachother and called.

He was hot and I can imagine you can see where this is going. Joe got back to Cali and called me as soon as he was back at his house near school. I made the half hour drive to go see him and ended up staying the night at his house because he had it to himself. His 2 roommates were home visiting parents and stuff. I have been spending a LOT of time hanging with him. He is staying in Cali for Christmas break and I want to see more of him. For the first time, I can see myself dating a guy. Joe is a regular, jock kinda guy. He has a messy room, loves watching football and hockey. The sex is also great. ;-)

I wanted to let you guys know there has been a reason for not posting a lot. I am making the effort to do more posts. The e-mails are great. I love hearing from you guys and hearing that I am helping some of you cope with liking guys is awesome. Keep the pictures coming and e-mail me. I will try to post more in the future. here are some more awesome shots you guys have left me in my inbox. keep them coming.

Back for some more

2006-11-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting at all. For those who read, you know that when I don't post it means I am way to fucking busy and will make it around to it. I have been busting my ass lately. I have been getting e-mails and have not been responding to them. So let me catch you guys up with what I have been doing..

I was back home in the Northeast with family for Thanksgiving. It was a fun time. Saw my buddy JP at the Bears game a few weeks ago. Flew back west for a few days and came home for a suprise Thanksgiving treat for my folks. Well, my dad bought the ticket for me to come home and didn't tell my mother.

JP and I have been talking every few days which is cool. I guess he is writing the story of how we met and how we became better friends for his blog so I will let him tell it and link to it when it is done.

I saw a bunch of people from high school while I was home. As usual, girls will always ask... "do you know (insert famous player here) I respond with a No.

Nothing has really happened to talk about though. I have been scared to talk to guys lately. Call me paranoid. I don't know. Online has been a great refuge for me. Thanks to all of you guys who read. Without you guys, this would be nothing and I would have given up way back when. I love getting the e-mails from guys saying how much they love the blog.

One guy today, the first time I have been online in MONTHS, says to me "I haven't hooked up with a guy yet. After reading your blog I want to hook up with a guy so bad.. you'd get ot be the first i'm not even sure i'd ever do anyone yet..."

First, this guy is HOT. Second, I was thinking that it came off a little stalkerish, but after chatting he told me that he has accepted likeing guys more and feels like he knows me because he is such a loyal reader.

Sorry I have been MIA. I will be back with regluar posts for the next few weeks. I have been gaining some size working out alot...

Keep sending me e-mail and I will be responding to those I have not got back to in a while. Off to the mall to x-mas shop and buy myself an XBox360 (maybe)

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T08:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Over the last year I have met a lot of great people because of this blog. I know I don't post often, but I wanted to thank all of you for reading and to stay tuned. I am getting ready to go to my old high school's football game. My little cousin is playing in the game and I am pretty excited to see him play. I haven't seen him play all season and I am happy to be able to go and watch him.

I am sure I will be bored during the day before I go and eat with my family. I have some picture sent in by you guys that I will post later on today. Keep the pics coming!

I am very hung over right now. Went out with my buddies from high school and had a great time seeing everyone back in town. I can't believe how many people are married right now.

Thank You guys for going over and reading JP's blog. He is a great guy and his blog is coming along great! Don't be shy and make sure to say hello to him!

Eat Up Today... Send Stories and Pictures from your holiday weekend!

Good Friend's Blog

2006-11-09T09:42:00.000-08:00

What a boring day so far. I got up early, went to the gym with a roommate of mine, got back and I get an IM. It's from a friend back East in New York telling me he started a blog. I have been telling him to start a blog because his life is rediculous. The shit that happens to him is incredible. Anyway, I wanted share his blog with you guys. He is calling it Overnight in New York (Overnightny.blogspot dot com)

JP Mac is a GOOD friend of mine that I have known over the years. You should all go and say hello to his new blog, which he says will update more often than mine. With the hours he works, he needs a place to rant and ramble. Anyway, check him out, say hello and share the blogging Love!

And now, some hotties to get you through the day, I know they are helping me before I go chill on my porch.

NY Giants and others

2006-11-06T00:23:00.000-08:00

My New York Giants are on a roll! 5 wins in a row. I am very excited to report I will be in New York (E. Rutherford) for the game against the Chicago Bears and the NY Giants. A friend of mine had an extra ticket and I am really excited to head back to the Northeast, catch a good footall game, tailgate, and possibly see someone....

You have to stick around for more info on that but I know FOR SURE that he is reading.

GO GIANTS!

EAGLES SUCK!

Appologies to the South

2006-10-31T23:38:00.000-08:00

Sooo, a bunch of guys from the "South" e-mailed me about my last posting about the "south".

Hey man--come on and enjoy the south if you get assigned or traded here. I don't think the environment would be any different than on any other team, regardless of the town/area/city/state, etc. I do know one guy from my college who was closeted and played a number of years in A and AA. His career ended with a nagging injury and the inability to hit when his injury was such a bother to him. He mainly played in small cities, and managed ok...in fact, he said living/playing in the midwest was more difficult than in the south.

Thats very true. I know that wherever I get sent it will be good just to be able to play. It's all I really want to do is play. I'm just happy that I am able to vent and have a way to reach out to other guys in a world where I keep myself in the closet. In just got done reading Going The Other Way by Billy Bean. Man, he is lucky. He has a great life now and I was able to see a lot of myself in that story. If any of you guys reading are also Baseball players or college athletes, I suggest giving it a read.

I know that there are college and pro athletes reading this. No one has e-mailed me or IMed me that I know of, but I feel like it's inevitable that someone who is reading this is. I hope one day sexuality won't matter, but it's a long way away. In some way, gay jocks have our own hidden fraternity. Our house is an online chatroom and e-mail exchange. Our brotherhood meetings are when I am able to reconnect with a bunch of you guys on my blog. So, i guess I am the president.

What most straight guys don't realize is that a gay guy is not always someone who is into fasion and into Madonna. We are #1 in our fantasy football leagues, we are slugging home runs out of the park, we are skating faster on the ice, swimming faster in pools... we aren't always the norm.

I hope my roommates, former teammates and friends would accept me as a guy who I am. The same guy that has been their friend all these years and just so happens to not want to marry a woman and wants to have a relationship witha guy.

I really do appreciate all the support and e-mails I get from you guys. I like the interaction I am able to have, when I am not busy as all hell. Anyone that wants to email, shoot me one at Clubhousecloset@gmail.com

Enjoy all the hotties I posted down below. I have some more I want to post later on. Keep sending these guys in. Of course I don't post names or who I got them from so you don't have to worry.

Hotties part 4

2006-10-31T23:31:00.000-08:00

Hotties Part 3

2006-10-31T23:30:00.000-08:00

Hotties from you part 2

2006-10-31T23:29:00.000-08:00

Again... Keep them comming!!!!

Hotties from you

2006-10-31T23:28:00.000-08:00

I guess either Christmas came early, or I got some HOT treats in my halloween sack this year. Thank You to the guys who sent in pictures of hotties that they either know or go to school with.

I don't know any of these guys, but most of them are pretty good looking and of course, I like to share them with all of you.

Christmas Shopping

2006-10-30T23:51:00.000-08:00

So I have been wondering...

I have read other blogs and see guys that have thier own "Lists" on Amazon and such and get "gifts" from random people.

Does this seriously work? I mean, I had someone send me a DVD once, which was very nice. But I don't know how the whole list thing works.

Bob over at the Bob Blog, who never messages me anymore, has a list up. I just don't know what to do. I may make the list and wait to get feedback from you guys about it that may know about it. Any ideas send them here!

Happy Halloween!!!

2006-10-30T23:46:00.000-08:00

It's a few minutes before midnight here on the west coast of the USA! Happy Halloween everyone! If you have taken any good pictures from parties, or find any hot ones, either way... send them my way to post. These pictures come from someone back east, wanted to stay annonamous but enjoy the pics!

Crazy

2006-10-30T23:37:00.000-08:00

So, the season is over. St. louis has the World Series title and my Yankees are in dispair! It's ok though because the NY Giants are kicking ass this season.

I have been trying to keep up with e-mail and got this one...

Hey man, Just wanted to shoot you an email and encourage you topost. Love your blog and look forward to the updates.But it's been a while. Some of us patheticcloset-cases live vicariously through you :).Seriously though, hope you're doing well and livin' itup in Cali. Totally relate to your blog -- closetedex-college athlete here. Just a little email toencourage you to get your ass in gear :).

So, apparently I am in demand to start posting again to the website. I just got home not too long ago and don't have much to do the next few days. I am still living out in Cali and loving it. Been taking roadtrips to Las Vegas, Pheonix, Tempe, San Diego and San Fran... all with the roomies. The west coast is very laid back, and I am a little nervous the next few months. I may get signed by a team in the "SOUTH" and by SOUTH I mean below the Mason Dixon, deep in the heart of the old Confederacy. Now, i know if I am near a big city it will be good, but my experience so far with guys from the south, they just don't like anyone who is not a white Southerner, I know there are guys out there that are NOT like this, but it is what I have found with my experiences.

anyway, I am going to post some postings I have been working on the past few weeks about my roomates and team, because I know all of you guys have been waiting for this!

HAAAAAAAY!

2006-10-06T03:15:00.000-07:00

Is it just me... or is Jose Reyes look like he is saying "HAAAY GIRLFRIEND!" in this picture?

Pics from YOU

2006-10-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

These are some pics, sent by you guys, for the rest of you guys to enjoy. It's been a while since some eye candy and here is some for you to enjoy, along with a few posts today that I have been working on.

California... so far

2006-10-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have been busy as HELL! I have barely been able to keep up with e-mails and posting on here and I am sorry. I have been crazy everyday with basically baseball.

I had my first road trip in a long time and it was very cool to be back on the road. I have 3 regular roommates that I share a room with while we travel on the road in a hotel. The guys are basically hotties you would love if you are into baseball players

The "Jeter" - He is a little older than me. He has been around, plays shortshop, and has banged a girl from Yale. He is definitly the captain of our team, half puerto rican and half italian. The guy is a regular ricco suave and tries to bag as many girls on roadtrips as possible. He is a lot of talk and has a girlfriend back home, but gets his girl when he puts his mind to it. He is not a big shower taker. He usually walks into the room, uses a shower in the corner and walks out. he trims his pubes and definitly shaves his balls. I have not seen him hard, yet, but I can imagine he is a solid over 7.

The "Metro" - The Metro is a total pretty boy. He is 22 years old and a big metrosexual. He is from Oregon (or Wahsington State.... one of those Northern states) He has these blue eyes that when he stares at you, you are definitly in a trance. Metro shaves all the hair on his body. His chest is pretty hairless and smooth. I found out that he shaved everything the first time I showered in the house in Cali. He is one of my roommates at the house and I noticed that his legs were smooth like a girl. I called him out on it and he was proud to show off his hairless legs, arms armpits and then his nuts. He is a big teabagger. He has tea bagged almost everyone on the team besides the managers and "Jeter". He should be pretty proud of his balls, they are the kind that are low hangers and you can tell that they are just oozing to be let loose (lol... I wrote that, and debated on keeping it in, and I am) He struts around the locker room, proud of his package and is a part of the Shower Crew. After long games, there are a few of us that engage in "crew Talk" which is all about the guys, what girls we have banged, and how drunk we are going to get after the game. If the shower heads have the right temp and pressure, we call a meeting of the crew. if not, its shower time, do your thing and back to the clubhouse to change.

The "Italian Stallion" - This is the Italian guy on the team and most of you know my fondness for Italian guys. His parents are straight off the boat from Sicilly. Cut to the chase, the guy is hung. When he is soft he is about 6 inches (judging from the eye). He is a member of "The Crew" and has an agreement that if the team hits 30 homeruns, he will masterbate wherever we want him to and he will then get about $500 that is in the pot.

I will go on more about the roomies and everyone later but i got to take off for most of the day. I have been working on some e-mails back to you guys and promise to send them out by late afternoon/tonight. Keep writing in!

PLAY BALL!

2006-10-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

The playoffs are here (for the majors) and I am happy to have the Yankees in the ALDS and David Wright in the NLDS. I could care less for the "Amazin's" but David Wright is just an instant boner for me.

Not many guys give me an instant boner. There are those guys that I have encountered in my years playing that did. One guy is nammed Kevin. It's his real name. We played college ball together and is just a hottie. He had this ass that looked amazing in a jock strap. Kevin was one of those guys who was just crazy. He always had a dip in his mouth when playing. Outside of playing, he would never dip. It was very strange.

He was also a big man whore. Our first week of school, he met this girl who lived in a dorm on the complete other side of campus. He was determined to bang her that night. So he calls her cell phone, asks her to come over to our dorm to party and she, of course does. Kevin is a stud. About 6'2" blonde hair, blue eyes and the abs of a god. He spent a good ammount of time in the gym and would work his ass off to keep his stomach looking good. To get the ladies to notice him he would always rub his stomach and make sure to expose his abs and "sex lines" to get the girls eyes to wander down to his crotch. From there he was always golden.

That night, the girl brought over a bunch of her friends from her dorm. She was a definitly a hot girl. Kevin did his signature move that "worked all the time at the cape" and she was his the entire night.

A bunch of us went off to a frat party that night to see what else campus had to offer. I came back to Kevin's room, wasted, and walked in. In my drunken state I didn't see anyone in either of the lofted beds. I moved more into the center of the room and looked down on the futon to see Kevin railing this girl Doggie style on the futon. We locked eyes for about 2 seconds. He didn't say a word, just kep't banging the girl from behind with a big smile.

That next day, while in the cafeteria he asked me if I walked in on him last night while he was fucking the girl. I said yeah, sorry about that bro.

He said the strangest thing, "All I could think about the rest of the night was the look on your face when you saw me fucking that chick."

My heart stopped. I thought I was called out right there. He smiled and said, we should have double teamed her.

I laughed, and from there, Kevin has been one of my best friends in the world. And a guy that gives me an instant boner. He has an average sized cock when he is soft and hard it's a god 7 inches long and has good girth. How do I know...

I took him up on a double team one night. He IMed me one night saying this chick wanted to get double teamed. I went over across the hall, and we did our deed. He liked fucking the girl while I got head. I was mostly watching his dick the entire time. If anyone has had a threesome with a friend you know i t can be strange sometimes afterwords. I woke up that morning, in bed, with kevin on the other side. The chick had left at some point during the night. I decided to put my boxers back on, go acorss the hall to my bedroom and fall asleep.

Kevin called and we talked last night about the threesome we had in college, about his life in Hoboken and how he wants to marry his girlfriend. I guess I wanted to post the story because I am sexually frustrated and it's pretty cool that he called me for advice and to catch up.

David Wright!!!

2006-09-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

The sight of David Wright with a cigar in his mouth just made me VERY happy today. I was up last night when the Mets clinched and saw it at the bar I was at last night. When I saw the cigar picture, I rushed to my computer when I got home to see if I could get any of those pictures.

I am a Yankees fan, but, I am a David Wright fan. He is just a great all around ball player. Do you guys have a favorite player or a hot one? Email Me. ClubhouseCloset@gmail.com

Matt Dallas pt. 3

2006-09-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

I have got the most amount of comments on this whole Matt Dallas thing going on. I am NOT saying that he is gay. I was just saying that he is good looking and that this guy Perez is "outing" him.

As a closeted guy myself, I would not want someone to out me to the media or my teammates. I think it's bullshit that someones sexuality should have to define them or make them something different. I just happen to be a guy who plays baseball and likes to have relationships with other men.

Matt Dallas is a GREAT looking guy. With fame, there is that spotlight where your life goes under the microscope. It's bullshit but it lets people who have no lives live vicariously through talented actors and athletes who are making a living and trying to live life.

If Matt Dallas is gay and doesn't want to say so, he has that right. If he wants to come out, he has that right also. The gay guessing game isa fun game to play sometimes. I have played it with a bunch of teammates from college and into the minors.

Perez does have the right to talk about how he "thinks" Matt Dallas is gay. It's all protected speech. But not everyone has to agree with it. I know looking back on this post it's kinda flip flop but it's such a strange issue. We as Americans love to hear about other people, especialy if it has to do with Gay Rumors.

So, Basicly, Matt, if you are interested in men... Hit me up. I am on the left coast bro.

HaHa.... I am so tired.

Can't Sleep

2006-09-19T00:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just not been able to fall asleep? I have been trying for about an hour to fall asleep and just keep posting to the blog. I have tried to put my laptop down and just go to sleep but I keep going back to my e-mail and reading and just thinking.

I am working on describing all of my roommates to you guys and giving them nicknames so I can tell all the funny stories that have happened. They are funny to me, and I hope they will be funny and fun for you guys too.

Also, I have been spending time with a trainer after practice to make sure that I am "healed" so when I get back to the locker room there aren't many guys left. Once I start getting some quality eye candy time I will give you guys and update.

For now enjoy some more hot pictures of college guys. If you guys want to send your own picture, please feel free to send them!!!!

Hotties

2006-09-19T00:33:00.000-07:00

Just some morning wood for all of you!

just like my roommate say...

Cali... So Far

2006-09-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

I have been out here in Cali for over a week now and I can tell you that it feels really good to be out here.

I am VERY happy to be out of my parents house and I am adjusting to the laid back lifestyle that California has to offer. My roommates are really cool. From all over the USA and pretty much in the same boat I am, just trying to be a ball player.

The Harvard Guys, pictured left, who I have posted about, remind me of my roomates that I have now. We were up early to watch the early NFL games. We have Direct TV and got NFL Ticket so we can watch all kinds of football games. As you know, I am a big Giants fan and were able to watch the Giants come back and win the game.

Another part of group living is using the bathroom. I share a house with 6 guys. We have 2 bathrooms. Since we all shower after practice and games together, it's no big deal to be in the bathroom with eachother at the same time. After a heavy night of drinking, I woke up to go use the shower the 2nd day I was here. I walked in on my roommate shaving (his face) and appologized and started to close the door. He yelled back, "Brah, you can take a shower. I don't give a fuck." So I went in... turned on the shower and hopped in. I got so used to having my own shower at my parents house that I was spoiled with having my own time in there. While I was showering, and he was shaving, another roomate came in and started pissing. 3 of us in one bathroom. No big deal. I really think I am going to like team living.