So Far

2008 is my year guys. I feel it right now. Spring Training has been constantly kicking my ass, but in a good way. I have been gaining some attention from local media and was even interviewed on a telecast about what I will bring to the team in 2008, among other stuff. 

I think back to when I was hurt and training to get back to this point and I am very excited about the chance to make a roster spot. Right now, AAA ball is in my future but the manager knows my name and a few Veterans have played some pranks on me, which is a good sign. 

Ryan has been sending me some raunchy text messages which make me smile during the day when I see them. This semester he is taking 2 classes and has a lot of time on his hands. I am pretty excited about seeing him because all of this jerking off alone in the shower blows. 

Ask Slugger time...

"sounds like what you and ryan have is pretty awesome. as a closeted dude myself, i would really dig finding a situation like that. lol ryan have a brother? also not gonna lie: very curious about what you were referring to with jp, but i'm sure you'll reveal that in your own time."

Well, I kinda threw that out there without bringing it up to JP first. I was refering to JP being a guy that I have had sex with and since he hasn't told the story, I will. 

JP and I met at a football camp in middle school. We were bunkmates. That sumer, I got to know JP and the guys from his town and for some reason was very drawn to JP. We would talk about sports, football, back home and were on the beginning stages of puberty. 

Two weeks of sleep away camp and JP and I were like best friends. I had seen him naked since we all had to shower in the gang bang style of showers, plus around the bunk most guys were only wearing shorts because it was so hot and we had no A/C. 

At the end of camp JP and I exchanged e-mail and phone numbers. About two weeks later he called and asked if I wanted to go camping up at his uncles house in vermont. My parents said it was ok. 

His parents drove us up to the lake house in Vermont and we had an awesome time. It was there where JP and I shared a tent by the lake and did not have anyone around us. Without going into much detail J and I explored a lot about ourselves. His family has an amazing house on this huge lake and we went fishing, hiking, and even got to take a boat out by ourselves. We were bad ass.

That next summer, after football camp, I went up again and that is when we sealed the deal, so to speak. 

JP and I have been close since camp. We both grew up in different states but always kept in touch somehow. When I started the blog, I sent him the link because I wanted to see what he thought. He has been a constant friend and someone I can lean on when I have problems and need to talk about "gay stuff"

We both have our own issues, but what's cool is that this guy who I explored with when I was younger knows a lot more about me than my close team mates, best college friends and even my siblings. 

Keep the Ask Slugger questions coming. 

My Situation

Writing has become a crack for me. Last night I took it easy and was watching TV with a few buddies while chatting online. It was fun. I am what they call a Non Roster Invitee to one of the Major League clubs. For the most part, it's an audition to make a roster of the big league team. If not, I head back down into the farm system and keep working hard to get noticed and work my way up.

I'm working hard and so far have had some great feedback on my play. The guys I have met, that I have not met before are hot. In one of those nice e-mails, someone asked me how I am able to not get hard. That's easy... practice.

I think I have talked about it before... I have grown up in a locker room enviroment. The first time I had to shower in front of other guys we were all terrified. This was back in 8th grade while playing on a travel team. We were using a high school locker room to change and since we were not heading back to a hotel and heading home, I wanted to shower.

As the years go on you get to know the guys you shower with. They are your friends. Everyone takes a peek. For those who have played sports in high school, college and professionaly there is always a different comfort level in there. Almost always there is the guy with the big dick, who hows it off, guys laugh the way he can spin it around like a propeller. The hairy guy that looks like he is wearing a hair suit. Ect, Ect.

That post last night felt good to get off my chest. None of you know me. There is one person that reads the blog that knows me. I have met some awesome guys to chat with, swap stories with and some I have even had cyber crushes on. No big deal. The assholes got to me. I hope I don't have to blow up again.

A lot of you like the pictures that I post on the site. The pictures I post are sent to me by guys like you reading or I am able to find them when I have the time to look, while I am alone. I try not to download them because I obviously don't need gay porn to be found on my laptop.

So last night, someone IMed me and asked me about the Wrestlers i had posted a while ago. Much like those football players, they were a big hit. These guys are what I am attracted to and when I am looking for. They do exsist because Ryan looks like these guys.

FUCK (some of) YOU

I get angry when I read some of the comments about my lifestyle. I understand it and many people have e-mailed me and told me that they feel sorry for me that I have to "live a lie" to make money. That I should just "come out" and be a pioneer.

None of you have any idea what I go through everyday of my life. Some wonder why I don't post a lot on the blog anymore. I am busy, for one. But another reason are the crazies out there that have come out the past few posts to tell me that I am a mess.

Fuck You.

anonymous said: Dear Ask Slugger,You said, "He also knows that if I am in a position where I might have sex with a woman I will do so. I keep up the act in front of the team mates." My question to you is... how do YOU feel about this?

To which, another anonymous said: Repulsed, obviously. I'd feel the same.

I came off the wrong way on the blog about this situation I am in. The second anonymous commenter there has it on the dot. I was very truthful with him with what happens during spring training and he knows that if I NEED to do this that I will. I wanted to be up front about it to him. I don't WANT to do it. Almost none of you will ever be in a situation close to where I am right now.

Ryan is also still in the closet and not in a place to be coming out. If I could classify him right now, he is a really close fuck bud. We have a connection beyond that but right now, if I needed to define he and I… that is how I would define him.

He is in college… getting ready to graduate. A former president of his frat still living in his frat house. It’s complicated. I can’t be out and open like most of you. I just can’t. There are those that understand and those who do not understand.

I have blown up at guys before who just don’t get it and don’t understand. I almost stopped updating the blog because of them. I let them get to me. Now, I don’t care. I am who I am. I do what I have to do in order to keep mysecret, keep playing baseball and try to find someone to fill my sexual need.

To answer another question about linking to JP's blog when talking about bottoming. JP and I have a relationship that goes WAY back. I should have asked him about sharing that first. I will let him tell the story or if he does not want to, I will fill you all in.